sparks

i hate fighting with you.

i hate the fact that we both know what we want but we let everything else get in the way. we've been stuck like this for months now. we both make promises of changing and yet we're still the same. i'm sick and tired of this. i hate crying about us. i hate laying in bed for hours, thinking of nothing but you and me and how we're playing games. i hate the fact that i run so much, hoping to get you off my mind but it only makes things worse. i havent been running in weeks. i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

"So roll the windows down
and put the car in drive.
It's starting to rain a little bit outside
and I've had you on my mind for some time.
Why did you go?
Why did you leave?
I can't forget about you and me
But now I'm letting go."
- Sequoyah Prep School

you know good and well that i want to be with you. i know you want to be with me. but what is the problem? i'm not angry. i'm not bitter. i just want to know. things aren't getting easier and they won't for a long time. we're human. we make mistakes. i am not perfect. neither are you. i will make more mistakes. you will still say things you don't mean when you're angry at me. you'll make mistakes too. i'll be upset and probably cry and refuse to talk to you until you come around. we'll get mad. we'll yell. yet again, we're human. we both have hurt each other in so many ways. we've both said a lot of hurtful things. why do we keep reminding ourselves of what each other did wrong?

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

yeah i used that verse. i pulled that card. it needed to be brought up. we're good together. you are my absolute best friend and i know i can count on you for anything. you are the only one who is actually honest with me. you aren't afraid to hurt my feelings which surprisingly, is kind of attractive. no you aren't mean to me but if i need to hear the truth, you're the one who'll let me in on it. thank you.

but i'm not asking for anything right now. you cannot give me that. I KNOW. I KNOW. I KNOW. its okay. i can't offer you anything except my promise to be there like i have been before. my heart has some healing to do as well. some things we've said have hurt me more than you could know. i'm learning about patience. God has taught me so much about patience. patience for you. patience for me. but especially about being patient with Him. i wish God could let me know every morning what i'd be doing that day. who i'll meet. what i'll say. what mistakes i'll make. but obviously, that can't happen. it's all a part of life.

you and i have got to figure out what's going to happen. i dont want to leave but i have to ask; if i told you i was done, what would you do? would you let me leave? or would you try and convince me to stay? i hope you'd ask me to stay. and not just because you need me as your best friend. i asked you before what you would say if i left. you said you'd miss me and that you needed me in your life because im your best friend. is that all i'll ever be? i want to turn and walk away so bad but something is still holding me back. maybe its hope. hope that you and i will actually have a chance to be together. i'm not saying i'm done. i'm not ready to give up yet. but i'm drained. and i need you to be my strength right now. i've been yours for the past few months and now i need it just as much. i know you're weak but we have to learn to rely on each other. we have to help each other.

"I am running out of patience.
It seems that we have run out of time.
But its another fight for another night
to get you off my mind.
And I'm thining that I should walk away...
Fussing and fighting and crying,
I've had enough.
And I'm leaving.
But maybe if I stay and choose not to walk away,
we could last for one more day.
But the catch is you know,
that I can't let you go.
Through the good times and the bad times...
You can lay down on my shoulder if you want to.
If you fall, you won't fall far
cause I'll catch you.
And even when it rains,
I'll be there just the same.
My whole life has changed since I met you."
- Sequoyah Prep School

the truth is, i want to be angry. i want to yell and scream at you about everything. there are so many things that i've thought of to say. satan has definitely reminded me of the cruel things we've done to each other. i am so tempted to remind you of every one of them. i want to be bitter to you so then i wouldn't think of how much this hurts. but if i'm angry or bitter that means i shut you out. i lose you period. no more being best friends. i can't do that. i can't shut you out. yes, i admit it, i need you in my life whether its best friends or more. i wish it were more but i cannot and will not ask of that now. its not fair to you or me. i've been here for months. i've been patient. i've had your back everytime, day and night. you told me that at the end of everything, you know i'd still be here. but now, i've got to tell you- please decide if you want me to stay. if i stay then i'm afraid that this will happen again in a few months or even weeks. one time you said that you wished i would do something to make you realize that you could really lose me because you felt you could do anything to me and i'd still be here. i wish you would realize that you could lose me without me having to do anything. its the effort that i'm asking for. if you want me to stay, then show me. i'd stay as long as i could have some kind of promise that you wouldn't forget me. if you were finally healed, then i'd be the first to know. i cannot guarantee if you let me walk then i'd be able to be friends with you. at least not yet. it would be too painful for me to look you in the eye and tell you i was fine.

i'm good at pretending but after a while everything would come to the surface and you'd know the truth. the truth that i wouldn't be fine. the truth that every song on my iPod still had something to do with you. that everything in my room still reminded me of you. that i still had every note, card and flower that you'd given me. the truth that i looked for you around campus, hoping to just "accidentally" bump into you. that i hoped you missed me. or i hoped you thought about me when you heard a song and it made you want to call. obviously, i'd be holding out for you. hoping you'd call me and say that you want to be with me. that it would be you and me. no more back and forth. no more changing our minds every other week. i can't promise i wouldn't secretly hold out for you.

"As long as the day is full of time, there will always be room for your hand in mine..." - Brandi Carlile

i know you care about me. i know. i can tell by the way you talk to me or when i catch you looking at me. (yes i catch you doing that. and i love it.) i can tell you have feelings for me when you laugh or when you are really listening to what i have to say. i can tell when your eyes light up when im telling something exciting that happened to me. of if i need you to pray for me, you do it. or you celebrate with me when i call to tell you about something with my youth kids. i know how you feel when you throw your arms around me and hug me like we haven't seen each other in years when its only been an hour. i can tell. so don't ever think i never knew.

you told me once that you were afraid i didn't "get" you. you're a complex person. you wanted me to just "know" when you were upset. but how can i if i dont have the slightest clue? you're an extremely strong person. its okay to be weak. its okay to cry. its okay to want to be held. i want you to want me to be the one who holds you when you're upset. i want to be that person. God alone can fix you, but i want to be used by Him to fix you. you and i both know about being back and forth. i've got some healing to do as well but i want you to know that i want to be with you. no one else. you are everything i want and need. you know me and you understand me. you get me. thats why its so hard for me to let go. you understand what im saying when i dont make sense at all, not even to myself. you encourage me and point me to Christ. you have made me brave. i remember one conversation we had about me being nervous about going to kenya and uganda. i told you how dangerous it was over there for a Christian and you told me that you want to die for Christ. i told you i was scared of doing that. you have helped to make me fearless. i'm no longer scared about going into unknown territory but i cannot wait to be out of my comfort zone. you are the reason for that.

the one thing i hate is when we talk about "what if we don't work out." i hate that more than you know. but i have to say this...i don't know whats going to happen with us. but you need to know that if things don't work out the way we want them to, then i will be fine. it will be so hard for me at first. i am strong enough to get over you. i know i can do it. i dont want to shut you out and i promise i'll do my best not to. i know you don't know what's going to happen with us. and that is comforting. because of that i know that you are struggling with this just as much as i am. you've got that "i don't care, chill out" attitude that you know i can't stand sometimes. but to know that this tears you up just as much as it kills me, it helps.

i'm sorry for the mistakes i made. i'm sorry for the wrong things i said. i'm sorry for possibly pushing something neither of us were ready for. you know my heart and you know my intentions. all i can hope is that you will show me yours. prove to me what you want. thats all i ask.

"so pick me. choose me. love me." - Grey's Anatomy

i wish we knew what was going to happen with us. i want to be with you. the only thing i can promise you know is to be here like i have been before, but better than before. i'm here. i'm not going anywhere. but i need you to realize that i could leave. this should make you realize that you need to prove to me you dont want me to go. you could lose me. i dont need to do anything at all for you to realize that. you need to know that on your own.