oh the name of Jesus.

4 years.

4 years of praying. tears. reading. researching. more praying. more tears. more praying. finally i'm going. i'm going to Kenya. i leave June 8 and will return to the States on June 19. i have never been more excited but mostly scared out of my mind. absolutely terrified. to the point of tears.

"Father, please forgive me for I cannot compose the fear that lives within me or the rate at which it grows. Struggle has a purpose on the narrow road you've carved Why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar? Do they see the fear in my eyes? Are they so revealing? This time I cannot disguise all the doubt I'm feeling..." "what if i stumble?" - dc talk

yes that is dc talk. and i still listen to them. those few lines are my exact feelings right now. what if i stumble? what i don't get through to those who need to hear the good news? what if i arrive and i see the pain and the sorrow in their eyes and i freeze because i feel uncapable? unprepared? unworthy? what if i get to Kenya and my fear comes to rule me and i become silent? what if i don't express the message of Christ's love enough? too many what ifs...

i've known for 4 years that God was calling me...no He was making it absolutely clear to me that He wants me in Kenya. funny thing is He began to soften my heart for this aching country through a Marie Claire magazine. God surely does work in mysterious ways. i truly am excited about going but my fear and my nerves have become to wear me down. i refuse to let this happen. i cannot let this happen. i refuse to let myself grow silent. to let my excitement and my fire die. these past 4 years of growing and learning have been worth it. my dad reminded me this past weekend that sometimes the journey is really when you learn the most, not even on the actual trip that you've been preparing for. i may arrive in Kenya and realize that i am not called to work here but it was actually the growing and learning from God that has brought me to the place where i am.

tonight while riding in mark's car, i began to listen intensely to the words of "How Wonderful" by Leeland. at one part, Leeland sings "oh the name of Jesus..." over and over again. a calmness and peace swept me away. i heard God whisper "i love you. i love you. i love you." just by hearing this one part of the song, the name of Jesus brought a peace and helped to rekindle my fire. it amazes me that just by saying this holy name brings comfort to me. that is how powerful, how mind blowing Christ's love is. i felt mark's hand holding tight to mine and i realized that God was still holding my hand but stronger and tighter than anyone else could. He's never let go. even in my fear. in my doubt. in my stupid thoughts of stumbling...He has not let go of my hand. sometimes i think mark knows when i'm not in a good mood or when something is weighing on my mind, he always seems to grab hold of my hand at the perfect time. i believe this is God's way of me physically feeling His hand in mine. thank You God for mark and for what You've done in our lives.

i'm not saying my fear has subsided. or my thoughts of failure have been silenced. this is only the beginning. satan is going to do everything he can to tear me away and to dampen my fire for Kenya. i know God and the strength He provides is stronger than any fear or thought of failure but i am human. i am not completely fearless. i hope and pray that over the next few months i will learn to be. i want to arrive in Kenya completely on fire and unable to be silenced. i thank God for people like mark who listen to me and remind me that its okay to be scared as long as my faith and trust is in God. i know my trip will be amazing. my eyes will be opened. my ears will hear the stories that are told by the eyes of the ones i will meet. i will be moved in a way that i can find nowhere else. i'm scared but willing. i am hard pressed on every side but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair; persecuted but not abandoned; struck down but not destroyed. i am ready. scared out of my mind. absolutely terrified. but ready.

I hear you whispering my name ..."My love for you will never change"


oh the name of Jesus...