crawl

I've had things to say to you for a few months now. But I've never found the right words to say or the appropriate time to say these words. Today I felt God pushing me to say these things. Its taken me hours to get all of this together because I wanted to get these thoughts across perfectly. I don't know if they'll be of some comfort but I want you to know.


I replay October 20th in my head over and over again. I cannot get the sound of you crying out of my head. I am reminded of it often. There is not a day that goes by that I don't hear the pain and the sorrow in your voice. Or the way it felt to drop to my knees in the hallway- the same way my heart dropped when you told me. Your voice and your exact words will stay with me for the rest of my life.


The next night when I saw you was the night I saw the physical definition of being broken and lost. You listened to "Fire and Rain" over and over again. This is another image that still haunts my thoughts...the site of you sitting in the car not knowing what to do or where to go. Every time I hear that song, that image is thrown back into my thoughts. I remember you didn't look me in the eye or barely speak at all. You rested your head on your hand while you sat. I sat there too...praying for the words to say. Apparently, my prayer was unanswered because I didn't speak either. I knew that nothing I could say would take away the pain or be of any comfort. I was scared...scared that I wouldn't be able to help you at all. or that the words I thought of to say wouldn't be comforting or would be words that you had just heard before and you didn't want to hear them again.


I don't think I slept for more than an hour for the next several nights. I was hurting because you were hurting. I hated the look in your eyes that screamed how bad you hurt. I wanted it all to go away. I wished there was something...anything that I could do to take this pain away from you. I had never experienced anything like this before in my life and I was not ready for it. I remember laying on my couch for an entire night sobbing and crying out to God. I went out to our spot many times during that week and just sat under the stars searching for answers and praying for you and your family. I didn't feel as though God was listening. Shame on me for that.


God most certainly was listening because I saw His power and His glory on October 23rd. I saw a broken family find comfort in the peace and love of God. I saw a family who had been stripped of their Dad, their husband and their spiritual leader still have the strength and the faith to give the glory to God. I saw a church who lost their pastor, but yet they refused to fall apart and they promised to carry on with he had only just begun. Through my tears, I saw you stand in front of hundreds and talk about the impact that your dad had on your life. I have never been more proud of you than at that moment. I thanked God over and over again for your concrete faith in Him and for the peace that I knew He was going to pour over you.


After the funeral, I met you at the gas station in Greenwood so that Wil and I could follow you to the burial site. As we pulled up, you were blaring "Day by Day" from the Freaked album. I remember that for some reason. Before we left the gas station, I realized I didn't want you to be alone. I knew you wanted to be alone but that was the last thing I was going to let you do. So I asked to ride with you...not just so I could be near you or talk to you but just so you had someone to sit with you.


I've done all that I can to support you and to be of some help to you. I doubt I've done anything much but as long as you know that I've tried.I promise I'll do that for the rest of our lives. I lift you and your family up daily in my prayers asking God to give you all His everlasting peace and reassurance. I know now that if you want to be left alone then I'll leave you alone. But every time that happens, I pray that God will not leave you alone. that you feel His presence in a way that completely sweeps you away from this world. and that He will just be near you. Just to know that God is near you is enough for me.


I know that you have days when it seems like there is nothing you can do to get your dad or your pain off your mind. On those days...run, stagger, crawl to Christ. Love is here. Love is waiting at His feet. It is pouring from His hands. It is a love that satifies. It wraps us up and takes us away to a place where we find unceasing peace from our pain. Take everything you have to Him no matter how small and weak you feel. His arms are open and waiting for you. When we are broken, all we can do is turn to Christ. The pain, the sorrow and the tears we cry are all things He has experienced. But the beauty through this is that we can still believe in Him and His power when we feel as though He is silent. It's just like believing in the sun when it's not shining. or believing that love still exists even when we don't feel it. When you feel as though your strength is gone and the agony is too much, remember that Christ's love is stronger than the weight of your sorrow. His love fills the emptiness that you feel and then you begin to feel His healing. Our God is a God who saves. He loves to rescue His children from their pain and suffering but we have to let Him. We have to let Him find us. He always finds us at the right time.

I also know that you will have days when you are happy and it feels good to remember your dad. Rejoice in those days. Hold on to those days with all you are. Thank God for the time you had with your dad. Thank Him for the moments that you were able to share with him. for those silly little things you two would do together. for the times that you two worked on cars. or for the times he watched you at your soccer games. for cheering you on and being an encouragment to you. for the texts and voicemails. but especially thank Him for the lessons your dad taught you. for his amazing and concrete faith in God. and for his influence he has had in your walk with Christ. because of God and your dad, you are where you are today.

You are a man who seeks nothing less than to bring glory to God with your life. You have surrended your life and your will to receive the blessings that He wants to pour on you. I praise God for that. I thank Him for you over and over...hundreds of times a day. God has opened my eyes to amazing things through you and your famiy...not only my eyes but hundreds of others...even people you don't know. You have an amazing testimony and I cannot wait to hear you tell it. Your story is one that exists because of your strong faith in God and His everlasting love for you. I praise Him because He is a father to the fatherless, he rescues the widows in their mourning and wraps His arms around those whose hearts are breaking, giving them a peace they can find nowhere else.

These past few months have taught me that life is precious. I am only here for a blink of an eye and for this short time I must make my time worth something. But we know that it is only worth something if I live my life for God, seeking His kingdom first. I can picture your dad encouraging you to "seek first His kingdom." Continue to do so. God has written an amazing story for your life but He wants you to share that story now. In the times where you are sad, seek Him. In the times where you are happy, seek Him. In Christ alone is where you will find God. It is where you will find love. It is where you will find peace. Seek Him first.