hello, its me.

rescue.

2009-01-15T20:33:00.001-08:00

it's hard to let go.

we grow up. and grow apart. everyone does. i'm not afraid to do it. i pretty much don't have a choice. but it's hard to let go of those who you so badly want to grow up with you. i've never understood why i can't just drag them along with me. but they aren't a puppet that i can control. i can't tell them what to do and certainly what not to do. besides, i doubt they'd listen. but you know, deep down, this person isn't the person they've always been. you've seen them differently before. it's like you want to shake them until they wake up from this nightmare of an imposter they've become. desperately begging for them to wake up. wake up. please, please. just wake up.

but is there really only so much you can do?

i hate feeling helpless. it drains me emotionally, physically, spiritually. it literally makes my stomach turn and it brings frustrated tears that never seem to cease. i put my head in my hands and weep. sitting on the side of my bed and just weep. or worse, being filled with grief that you collapse on the floor and just lay there. i just want to be held close. to hear soothing whispers reminding me i'm loved and that nothing is in my total control. disgustingly compassionate people need encouragement too you know.

i've never wanted to turn my back on anyone. i can't forget people. their laughs. that's what always sticks close.

my strength has become my weakness. compassion. it's almost annoying -- even to me. i so desperately want to just forget it and let them take care of themselves. they're old enough anyways. but then my weakness quietly speaks and begs me not to turn away. but then i analyze my choices. i can't just turn my back on them. someone that i love very deeply asked me if i thought Paul ever questioned himself when Christ showed up and broke into his life. did Paul ever wonder if he was doing the right thing when he turned away from all that was bringing him down? here's your answer - i highly doubt it.

being a compassionate person makes me want to rescue everyone. [i always threaten to bring home stray dogs that i find. mark returns the threat with "i'll kill them."] but i can't rescue anyone. i'm the one who needs rescue more than anything right now. i'd gladly welcome Christ Himself to sit on my futon, put His feet up on my coffee table and tell me what to do. i'd gladly listen and do what He says. He is perfect you know.

i can't just turn away and say forget it. i can't. i'd be breaking my own heart. sometimes i wonder if anyone could ever understand my heart. i know i can't rescue anyone. it's not my job to do so but its my conviction to try. with God's wisdom and strength, i want to try. i wonder if anyone turned away from Paul when he tried to tell them what Christ did for him. they probably thought he was crazy. or hopefully, someone listened and took up his cross and followed Christ.

it's harder to grow up and let go than i thought it would be.

i just want to be lonely tonight. just me and my Maker in this cool moonlight. with no one around to see this sight of me lying here. because this is the hardest thing i've ever done before. i don't want to be lonely. i won't be lonely tonight. because my Maker's holding me. -MW

exodus.

2008-10-28T20:37:00.000-07:00

it's terrifying when you realize you're growing up. maybe you're already older than you look. maybe you're younger than you look. but obviously, everyone has to grow up.

it's like leaving your....what? childhood? no real responsibilities? blank word that i cannot think of? you can't look back. you can't pretend it's not happening. you're awakening to it. you're growing up. usually, this hits someone when they are on the brink of something major in their life.

hello. my name is lauren and i am on the brink of something huge in my life.

and in steps decisions. life decisions. i'm not making sense. i don't care. i can't sleep.

it's just so funny when you think you've got a plan laid out and everything is just perfect. but God being an unpredictable God reminds us that our plans are not His. His plans are far too good to let us be in charge of them. so of course, we hit a fork in the road. left. or right. or left. or right.

i want nothing more in life than to bring glory to God and to marry mark. but it's so hard having to comprise. i wanted to marry mark at christmas time 2009. i have this vision of me, in a beautiful maggie sorttero dress covered in lace, walking down the aisle on the arm of my dad. mark is waiting for me at the end with this huge smile on his face. white candles are everywhere dimly lighting the sanctuary creating an intimate atmosphere. my bridesmaids (still not sure who they are...) are standing on the steps in deep red dresses that match my deep red rose bouquet. they're holding one lilly with a white sash tied around it. the sanctuary is decorated with its annual christmas decorations that i adore. and i'm getting married.

dad and i talked the other night about sometimes we don't always get what we want and sometimes we have to make sacrifices to see the big picture. unfortunately, he's so right. gah, i hate when he's right. the best part about getting married is that i'm marrying mark. this time last year, i didn't even know what was going to happen with us. i loved him, he secretly loved me but we were too stubborn to lay our pride aside and admit it. and now i'm still blown away to think how the golden child from atlanta ended up in at a small christian college in south carolina and fell in love with a quirky goofball from a small town down the road. so i guess my rambling and nonsense have brought me to the solution - seeing the whole picture.

of our thousands of decisions, what's best for the both of us? is it best to wait until after i graduate? where are we going to live? are we capable of surviving paycheck to paycheck? am i being selfish? are we going to have cable? should i sell my 47 purses? am i going to be there enough to take care of him? what if i have to work all the time for the first few months and i never get to actually be married to him? are we trusting God enough or are we still wanting some control? why isn't this easier? i am however finally able to say that i am willing to give up my christmas dream wedding. just marrying mark is way beyond worth it. i must remember that God is in control. He is control. I am not in control. I am safe. protected. trusting. i'm waiting. and waiting. and waiting. i need God's email address. or a sticky note would be awesome.

Dear Lauren,
This is my plan for you.
[Insert plan here.]
You are loved.
Love, Your Almighty Father.

in this dark so dense, we talk so soft.

2008-10-23T21:01:00.000-07:00

mark came over tonight and fell asleep on my bed while i worked on my futon. my sheets smell like him. it makes me all the more excited to marry him. i think that excitement increases every second. it makes me dream of being married to him and the things i want us to accomplish together.

things i can't wait to do and things i will do when i'm mrs. mark mcminn:

1. have a candlelight picnic in our living room with hardwood floors.
2. fall asleep wearing his t-shirt.
3. lay in bed late at night and talk. about things that matter.
4. have dinner waiting for him when he walks in from work.
5. wake up in the morning and see him laying beside me with sunlight streaming across his face.
6. in his words - lay my head in his lap, listen to jazz music and watch the sparks rise from the fire in our fireplace.
7. spend Christmas in New York.
8. raise our children to be God-fearing children.
9. lay in bed and eat ice cream. 100 calorie ice cream bars.
10. make cookies for Christmas time.
11. take as many pictures of mark and our children as possible.
12. have one dog at a time.
13. look up from the dinner table and catch mark looking at me.
14. wake our kids up in the middle of the night, bundle them up, hand them a mug of hot chocolate and go outside and watch the stars.
15. take weekend trips away.
16. hear mark introduce me as his wife.
17. feel his feet against mine in the middle of the night.
18. hear his laugh whenever i want.
19. be with him and his family on holidays.
20. travel to northern california with him
21. paint a room in the middle of the night.
22. have a marriage that brings glory to God.
23. text each other during the day to see when we're coming home for dinner
24. see his laundry mixed in with mine.
25. go out on dates :)
26. move from our first house into our second
27. when we actually decide to have kids, announce to everyone that we're having a baby.
28. get tattoos together.
29. be out running errands together and feel him put his hand in mine.
30. change my relationship status to "married" and change my name to Lauren Kirby McMinn
31. go on trips for our anniversary
32. buy gifts for each other.
33. see the Christmas tree being lit at Rockefeller Center
34. go to concerts together
35. lay in bed and read
36. watch him preach every Sunday morning
37. nap together every Friday afternoon
38. cook him breakfast. lunch. and dinner.
39. lay in the floor of our living room or sit in the floor of his office and talk.
40. feel his heart beat when he's holding me close.
41. get really, really tickled together.
42. pick up the phone whenever his mom calls
43. have a little boy who looks and acts just like him
44. see his toothbrush beside mine. (is that weird?)
45. call things "ours"
46. go shopping together.
47. steal his clothes.
48. have dinner dates with wil ray and whitney.
49. hear him moving around the house late at night or early in the morning.
50. wake up in the morning and catch him watching me sleep.
51. hiding the remote from him so he can't watch espn 24/7
52. move into our first house together.
53. decorate our christmas tree together
54. play hooky.
55. get in arguments. me cry. and then us apologize to each other and then laugh at how dumb we are.
56. organize our house.
57. go to downtown atlanta for dinner.
58. decorate the house for birthdays.
59. lay in bed with the windows open listening to the rain.
60. have jazz music playing while we cook together.
61. beg him for more dogs but laugh when he says no every time.
62. come home from a bad day and find he filled a bubble bath for me.
63. fall asleep while he works and feel him crawl into bed with me.
64. walk into the living room and find him asleep on the couch with one of our kids.
65. feel him cover me up with a blanket when i'm cold.
66. pretend like we're still in college and go away on a "spring break"
67. take our kids to see the Nutcracker every Christmas
68. work in the yard.
69. finally getting a mac for my birthday or Christmas
70. hearing him talk to our children about God and His love for us
71. go to asheville for the day.
72. take our kids shopping for back to school supplies.
73. naming our son Phillip
74. calling him throughout the day to tell him what hilarious things our kids have done.
75. find notes he's left for me all over the house.
76. take a spur of the moment road trip.
77. visit colleges with our kids.
78. hearing him read to our children.
79. surprising him with tickets to a UGA football game or Braves game
80. fall more and more in love with him every day
81. holding hands.
82. him letting me stick my toes under his feet when im cold.
83. playing out in the snow.
84. him coming home for lunch when our children are little.
85. still learning and studying him after years of being married.
86. getting so mad at him that i can't see straight.
87. talking to his mom for hours.
88. leaving him notes in his car and briefcase.
89. hearing him say my name.
90. still being in love after years of being married.
91. stealing his hoodies when i'm cold.
92. having our house smell like him
93. lighting candles at night.
94. seeing a wedding band on my left hand.
95. complaining to him about a bad day and then him making me laugh
96. fighting over the middle of the bed and the covers during the night.
97. seeing his bed-head hair whenever he wakes up from a nap.
98. teaching our puppy new tricks.
99. still wondering after 50 years of being married why God blessed me with such an incredible husband.
100. being married to mark mcminn.

breathe in. breathe out.

2008-09-28T12:52:00.000-07:00

i have never been more confused in my life. all that i thought was right now seems to be completely wrong. things are not making sense to me and i dont understand why. i always had the desire to teach but every lesson plan, every education class and every education majors meeting makes my stomach turn. the thought of me teaching seems so absurd and almost hilarious. and WHY now? WHY not 2 years ago? why does it all have to fall apart now?

i've got a few decisons to make. but oh they are not light. the next decisions i have to make could determine my career, my financial situation and what will happen to me for the next two years. i feel pulled in almost every direction. which one is right?

to be honest, i do not care to hear any one's opinion on why i should stay in the education program. this is not the time for someone to "encourage" me in the education program. because those of you wanting to say those things to me are probably getting ready to graduate or you are going to be an incredible teacher who has always had the creative mind for lesson plans. and take no offense please when i say i don't want to hear your opinion. now is just not the time.

i laid in bed last night completely under my covers desperate for a moment of peace. for five minutes i prayed that i could just...have...five...minutes. of nothing. no decisions. no doubts. no thoughts. no noise. just five minutes. that's all i wanted.

i finally made it to sleep with my pillow wet from where i had cried so hard. it was that cry where you long to be wrapped in someone's arms and just held close. to feel reassurance. serenity.

when i woke up this morning, my soccer player teddy bear from my sister was laying beside me. i forgot to move it down to the end of my bed where it usually sits while i sleep. when i was younger i used to sleep with five or six stuffed animals at night because i was afraid i'd hurt one's feelings. here is where my compassion as a child could be seen as vomit. now i see that my compassion and desire to please everyone could still be seen as vomit.

you know in the movies when a character is struggling with a huge internal conflict they always seem to go stand in the shower (i.e. every movie on Lifetime)? i tried that today. almost as an escape for a few minutes. but of course, some people, including me, get their "best" ideas in the shower. so my escape was just another few minutes to think. mark asked me last night what i wanted to do with my life. when i thought of that today i laughed because i was reminded of that scene in the notebook when Noah asks Allie what she wanted- him, her long, lost love of a summer 7 years before or rich, handsome, army Lon. he didn't want her to please anyone else but herself. it was that assertive "WHAT do you WANT?" mark is my Noah.

i want to look back and know that what i've done was more than enough. that i didn't settle for a mediocre life just to please someone else. that i did what was right. for me.

so right now i know only a few things i want. to glorify God in absolutely everything i do. to marry mark and serve God alongside him. to be a mom and drive my kids to their soccer games and dance classes. to remember that i am loved. i am still breathing.

be near me when i've given up.

2008-06-22T07:24:00.000-07:00

i need to be reminded of who i was when i took that first step out the door.
all i said now follows me around. i'm reminded i'm not like that anymore.

i uprooted and miles behind me are the faces and the home i love.
You've brought to my attention i'm slowly changing
and becoming what i wanted to stop.

isn't that just like a finite mind? setting out with such righteous indignation.
but now i'm at Your feet.
could You look at me with some imagination?

the bush before me, i slip my sandals off.
i only stopped to look in the depths of the sea, in the midst of a great storm.
and i run from You.

and isn't that just like a finite mind setting out with such righteous indignation
but now i'm at Your feet.
could You look at me with some imagination?

so remind me why You woke me up and why You wake me every morning.
the staff in my hand, held in by Your love. just stay close, stay close.

because i know my own mind. i set out with righteous indignation.
but when i'm at Your feet please, please look at me with some imagination.

distractions.

2008-06-01T17:41:00.001-07:00

i leave for Kenya in a week. i've waited for 4 years. and now it comes down to one week.

a few nights ago i had a group meeting with everyone going on the Kenya trip. our leader was reminding us to cling to the Father this week because everything that could go wrong will probably go wrong. hey guess what...it has.

its so funny how the smallest thing can just get to me. a comment or a facial expression- anything that doesn't matter, does matter. more than it should. and i HATE it.

i realized that my fears have been taken out on others things. and people. things and people that i have reassurance and promises in. people that i know will be around forever. i may take my fears out on them and i'm sorry. he knows who he is. thank you for being my human emotional punching bag.

friday, the day after the meeting, i came across something that still rubs me wrong. i realized that people i'm not even around anymore still manage to get under my skin. and they do it so well. i noticed that i started calling them out on their faults. how they aren't being original and REAL. the person they are portraying isn't someone i've ever seen before. and i've known them for years.

it just feels like satan has sent his demons to distract me and turn my focus on everything else but this trip. the fact that next week i'll be in the right place at the right time. the children that i'll fall in love with. im so caught up in the packing. and what to wear. and how many skirts do i need to take. i can't forget to update my iPod and charge it fully. i'm absolutely terrified of flying. thanks to pointless shows like LOST. i have never flown before and in the words of my one and only love, "i'm wigging out." and i can't forget to buy a few more memory cards for the 65287 pictures that i'll be taking while i'm in Kenya and...

deep breaths. in and out. exhale. inhale.

i broke down today at church. it wasn't like a few tears running down my face. it was like black tears from my mascara. i don't know why i lost it. i needed someone to hold my hand. i think it just hit me. that i'm actually doing this. its not just a dream anymore. its reality. i'm terrified. i'm not qualified to do this. i dont know anything. i don't have some amazing story that can change someone's life. im a spoiled little girl who grew up in a strong Christian family and is surrounded by ones that love her. i have a place to lay down at night. i have clean clothes to wear everyday. i have shoes. these people dont even have shoes to wear. they sleep on cardboard every night with a strip of cloth to keep them warm in 40 degree weather. i have two fans in my room to keep me cool at night. i dont understand. what if i can't communicate? what if they don't understand? i want so badly for them to see the desperation in my eyes. i want so badly to hug them and hold them and make them understand they are loved. i long to feel their hands in mine. i dont want this trip to slip through my fingers. i don't want to mess this up.

"Moses said to the Lord, ' O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow to speech and tongue.' The Lord said to him, 'Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say." Exodus 4:10-12

Father God, be with me. take my hand and don't let go. free me from these distractions so that i may focus only on You. i want so badly to carry Your Name and Your love to these people. i want to make a lasting impression so they may bring others to You after i leave. deliver me from my fears. remind me of the promise of protection that You have made to me. i so desperately need to feel You close to me Father God. continue to surround me in Your love and mercy. be with the others that are preparing for this trip. i pray that You will keep them safe this week and free from the same distractions. prepare our hearts for what we will see. open our eyes so that we will those who are searching for You. give us chance after chance to love those who especially need it. these people have seen pain and sorrow that not many of us can understand. let us disappear so they may only see You. i pray for the ones that we will meet. go before us Father God. begin to soften their hearts so they may hear the words You will speak through us. let them feel You move within their streets and their homes. i pray they will feel salvation and freedom on its way. be with us during the rest of this week. let us feel You near to us. calm our fears and nerves. i give this trip to You Father God. in your holy and precious name.

same girl.

2008-04-07T00:07:00.000-07:00

2 months and 1 day. i leave for Kenya. my eyes will be opened. my heart will be broken. i'll learn to appreciate the usually unnoticeable things in life like my bed. or my shoes. or a bottle of water. i'll realize how blessed i really am.

but i'll be the same.

my fingers will have interlocked with fingers of children who have lost everything. my hands will have held infants who will never know their parents. my arms will have hugged amazing people each with an amazing amount of faith. my fire and my desperation to share Christ will only be fueled.

but i'll be the same.

i'll be the same girl who had a pancake in her mouth when you walked by her last august. i'll still love coldplay and hoodies. i'll still testify that drinking Simply Orange juice is better out of the bottle than drinking it out of a cup. i'll still love daisies and i'll still hate the word "chunk." i'll still be the girl who faithfully watches your soccer games in silence so you can focus. i'll still carry my sunglasses with me wherever i go. i'll still love club sandwiches and i'll still be obsessed with my camera.

i'll still be the same girl who has loved you since she met you. i'll still be the same girl who loves to sit with you under the stars for hours. i'll still be the same girl who would rather sit and talk with your family then go out with tons of friends. i'll still be the same girl who makes you read the Dove chocolate wrappers before you eat the chocolate.

when i come back from kenya and i get off the plane and run into your arms, i'll be the same girl as the one who left two weeks before. although my desire for peace and salvation for Kenya will be increased, i'll still be the same girl. nothing and no one can ever change any of that. atlanta, rock hill, kenya...distance doesn't mean anything. nothing will change. i have the reassurance, the confidence, the promise that you aren't going anywhere. neither am i. this summer will only make us grow stronger in our faith in God and in each other. you and i just fit. life with you makes sense to me. you promised to fight and defend me and i'll hold fast to that promise.

i'm not going to throw a pity party about any of this. of course, i'll be upset every once and a while - that's expected. but this summer will be too good for both of us to sit around and pout. you're going to be doing amazing things over the next few months. i cannot express to you how proud i am of you. i cannot wait to brag about what you're doing this summer. yes, it will kill me to have to say goodbye to you...but actually, no. we're not saying goodbye. i hate that. we'll say "see you soon." just like at christmas. we'll see each other every chance we can get. talking every night on the phone or online will be a must (you knew that). i cannot wait for what God has planned for you and i this summer - together and seperately.

i hope you know how i desperately love you. i can't explain it. its something i thought i had but i was wrong - so very wrong. you've shown me what love really is. its a faithful, trusting, reassuring love that i've never felt before. i could never throw it away or even begin to lose it. i refuse to let that happen. the night you and i met, was a night that was only planned by God. everything i have been through led me to that kitchen on that monday night. all that i've done led me to that front porch where you walked up to me in that Nationals t-shirt, black bandana and wild hair. you stole my heart that night and i'm never asking for it back. you promised to fight for me and to defend me. you know i'm a fighter and i'm stubborn so trust that i won't let this slip away. i could never imagine my life without you. this summer will be a time of growing and learning for both of us. we just won't physically see each other every day. but always know and remember - i love you. always and forever.

So let's be through with this one

Cause some things never change.

I know you're still my same girl

Who builds her own frames

For the pictures that she paints...

Right back to my same girl.

How can you be so calm when the truth is sometimes

Living in the eye of the storm?

With everything going on around us

I feel comfort in the sounds when you say

It will be ok.

Like a star that's immune to the light of the day

Told dreams it could follow me

But not with my same girl.

- Jack Johnson "Same Girl"

crawl

2008-03-11T13:48:00.000-07:00

I've had things to say to you for a few months now. But I've never found the right words to say or the appropriate time to say these words. Today I felt God pushing me to say these things. Its taken me hours to get all of this together because I wanted to get these thoughts across perfectly. I don't know if they'll be of some comfort but I want you to know.

I replay October 20th in my head over and over again. I cannot get the sound of you crying out of my head. I am reminded of it often. There is not a day that goes by that I don't hear the pain and the sorrow in your voice. Or the way it felt to drop to my knees in the hallway- the same way my heart dropped when you told me. Your voice and your exact words will stay with me for the rest of my life.

The next night when I saw you was the night I saw the physical definition of being broken and lost. You listened to "Fire and Rain" over and over again. This is another image that still haunts my thoughts...the site of you sitting in the car not knowing what to do or where to go. Every time I hear that song, that image is thrown back into my thoughts. I remember you didn't look me in the eye or barely speak at all. You rested your head on your hand while you sat. I sat there too...praying for the words to say. Apparently, my prayer was unanswered because I didn't speak either. I knew that nothing I could say would take away the pain or be of any comfort. I was scared...scared that I wouldn't be able to help you at all. or that the words I thought of to say wouldn't be comforting or would be words that you had just heard before and you didn't want to hear them again.

I don't think I slept for more than an hour for the next several nights. I was hurting because you were hurting. I hated the look in your eyes that screamed how bad you hurt. I wanted it all to go away. I wished there was something...anything that I could do to take this pain away from you. I had never experienced anything like this before in my life and I was not ready for it. I remember laying on my couch for an entire night sobbing and crying out to God. I went out to our spot many times during that week and just sat under the stars searching for answers and praying for you and your family. I didn't feel as though God was listening. Shame on me for that.

God most certainly was listening because I saw His power and His glory on October 23rd. I saw a broken family find comfort in the peace and love of God. I saw a family who had been stripped of their Dad, their husband and their spiritual leader still have the strength and the faith to give the glory to God. I saw a church who lost their pastor, but yet they refused to fall apart and they promised to carry on with he had only just begun. Through my tears, I saw you stand in front of hundreds and talk about the impact that your dad had on your life. I have never been more proud of you than at that moment. I thanked God over and over again for your concrete faith in Him and for the peace that I knew He was going to pour over you.

After the funeral, I met you at the gas station in Greenwood so that Wil and I could follow you to the burial site. As we pulled up, you were blaring "Day by Day" from the Freaked album. I remember that for some reason. Before we left the gas station, I realized I didn't want you to be alone. I knew you wanted to be alone but that was the last thing I was going to let you do. So I asked to ride with you...not just so I could be near you or talk to you but just so you had someone to sit with you.

I've done all that I can to support you and to be of some help to you. I doubt I've done anything much but as long as you know that I've tried.I promise I'll do that for the rest of our lives. I lift you and your family up daily in my prayers asking God to give you all His everlasting peace and reassurance. I know now that if you want to be left alone then I'll leave you alone. But every time that happens, I pray that God will not leave you alone. that you feel His presence in a way that completely sweeps you away from this world. and that He will just be near you. Just to know that God is near you is enough for me.

I know that you have days when it seems like there is nothing you can do to get your dad or your pain off your mind. On those days...run, stagger, crawl to Christ. Love is here. Love is waiting at His feet. It is pouring from His hands. It is a love that satifies. It wraps us up and takes us away to a place where we find unceasing peace from our pain. Take everything you have to Him no matter how small and weak you feel. His arms are open and waiting for you. When we are broken, all we can do is turn to Christ. The pain, the sorrow and the tears we cry are all things He has experienced. But the beauty through this is that we can still believe in Him and His power when we feel as though He is silent. It's just like believing in the sun when it's not shining. or believing that love still exists even when we don't feel it. When you feel as though your strength is gone and the agony is too much, remember that Christ's love is stronger than the weight of your sorrow. His love fills the emptiness that you feel and then you begin to feel His healing. Our God is a God who saves. He loves to rescue His children from their pain and suffering but we have to let Him. We have to let Him find us. He always finds us at the right time.

I also know that you will have days when you are happy and it feels good to remember your dad. Rejoice in those days. Hold on to those days with all you are. Thank God for the time you had with your dad. Thank Him for the moments that you were able to share with him. for those silly little things you two would do together. for the times that you two worked on cars. or for the times he watched you at your soccer games. for cheering you on and being an encouragment to you. for the texts and voicemails. but especially thank Him for the lessons your dad taught you. for his amazing and concrete faith in God. and for his influence he has had in your walk with Christ. because of God and your dad, you are where you are today.

You are a man who seeks nothing less than to bring glory to God with your life. You have surrended your life and your will to receive the blessings that He wants to pour on you. I praise God for that. I thank Him for you over and over...hundreds of times a day. God has opened my eyes to amazing things through you and your famiy...not only my eyes but hundreds of others...even people you don't know. You have an amazing testimony and I cannot wait to hear you tell it. Your story is one that exists because of your strong faith in God and His everlasting love for you. I praise Him because He is a father to the fatherless, he rescues the widows in their mourning and wraps His arms around those whose hearts are breaking, giving them a peace they can find nowhere else.

These past few months have taught me that life is precious. I am only here for a blink of an eye and for this short time I must make my time worth something. But we know that it is only worth something if I live my life for God, seeking His kingdom first. I can picture your dad encouraging you to "seek first His kingdom." Continue to do so. God has written an amazing story for your life but He wants you to share that story now. In the times where you are sad, seek Him. In the times where you are happy, seek Him. In Christ alone is where you will find God. It is where you will find love. It is where you will find peace. Seek Him first.

my bucket list

2008-01-21T20:23:00.000-08:00

1. Bring glory to God in absolutely everything that I am and everything I do.
2. Go to Africa (after June 8, I can check this one off!)
3. Marry my best friend.
4. Make sure my girls know how much they mean to me and that they are a God-sent blessing to my life.
5. Go fishing at the Great Lakes.
6. Become an amazing chef (better than Paula Deen or Racheal Ray)
7. Serve Christ alongside my husband.
8. Karaoke.
9. Visit Ireland.
10. Learn to wakeboard and snowboard.
11. Have children who are madly in love with Jesus.
12. Go to Santorini, Greece for my 50th wedding anniversary.
13. Make someone smile. and then they ask why I smile. and I'll answer Jesus.
14. Run in Race for the Cure.
15. Adopt a child.
16. See the Rockefellar Christmas Tree lighting ceremony.
17. Learn to paint.
18. See Kaylee graduate high school.
19. Write a book.
20. Make scrapbooks for all my children.
21. Send Mom and Dad on a cruise for their wedding anniversary.
22. See the house Mom and Dad lived in while Dad was in seminary.
23. Buy a lakehouse or a beach house...or both...
24. Sit in a rocking chair, drinking coffee, watching the sunrise and be completely at peace.
25. Change the world.

more to come...

for my love.

2008-01-19T21:34:00.000-08:00

february 29th - march 2, i'll be in my favorite place in the world with some of my favorite people. folly beach. simpsonville first baptist high school girls retreat. i have never been more excited.

i think i went every year i was in high school but this year is going to be different. i've been asked to help lead this retreat. today i received an email about the theme this year, "Virtuous Reality". our topics this year are hopefully going to help these high school girls to find out what it means to be a woman of God. our topics for the four sessions of the weekend are the Proverbs 31 woman (of course), a woman of worth and purpose, a woman of wisdom and virtuous dating. as i begin praying for each girl on this retreat and for God to prepare my heart to share with these girls, i realize that i must first find out what it really means to be a woman of God. to be the Proverbs 31 woman. to be a woman of worth and purpose. to be a woman of wisdom. and to have a virtuous dating relationship.

i think most Christian women can quote something from the Proverbs 31 woman passage. i know i can quote many verses from it. i strive to be that woman. although i am not married yet, i do hope my husband will have full confidence in me. i want to bring him good, not harm all the days of my life. i cannot wait to serve him. to bring him honor. and to serve Christ with him. that will be my greatest joy. to serve Christ along side my husband. my best friend.

this past Christmas Eve, my dad shared a devotion with my mom, my sister and i where he shared verses that he prays for us. the verses he shared for my mom were the verses from Proverbs 31. as he read them aloud, i saw how much he loves my mom. my mom is an amazing woman. a strong and passionate woman of God. i hope to be like her one day.

every one wants to be considered worthy and to know their purpose in life. i thought my purpose years ago was just to be a 5th grade teacher. but God has bigger plans. i'm going to be a revolutionary. a warrior for Christ. in June i'll be a missionary.

*side track - i just thought of my best friend Heather. i miss her. but while skiing a few weeks ago, heather and i were talking about Jesus coming back and the end of the world. we started talking about the battle that is mentioned in Revelations and Heather looks at me, and in all honesty says, "I hope i get a sword to fight some demons with." Jesus, thank You for my beautiful best friend and her spirit and fire for You.*

okay back to what i was saying. i've always known God valued me as worthy and had a purpose for my life. but He is slowly revealing His purpose for me. i'm so glad that i'm searching for it. He shows me bits and pieces of it daily. and its like unwrapping a present in slow motion. if God just emailed me and told me exactly what i'd be doing for the rest of my life, the search would be over. i'd know. i'd be content. i never want to be content. God is too big and too magnificent for me to be content. if i become content, i stop searching Him. i'd make myself believe that i knew everything there is to know about God. but no. i know so little. and i'm excited about spending the rest of my life still searching and craving to know him. i thirst for Him.

wow. i got side-tracked. that's what God does to me. He blows my mind. i begin searching Him and i cannot stop. i NEVER want to stop. but anyways...worth and purpose. yes. "A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies." well...how sweet. but that's a wife. i am not a wife yet. i am a woman of God. my favorite quote from Captivating says that "creation is incomplete without women." yes, true, God saw the earth and everything He made. and it was good. but still it was incomplete. He made women. without us, creation is incomplete. anytime i feel unworthy or just another person, God always reminds me of that. i am worthy. i am a daughter of the King.

"gaze into my eyes and let me know you'd fight thousands for my love. slip your hand in mine and ask me to dance tonight. just ask me for my love..." -Bethany Dillon

i love that. absolutely love that. God wants to romance us. He wants us to fall in love with Him and to know how much He so desperately loves us. not just loves. but looooooooves. God tells me every day. i am looooooved. go ahead. say it out loud. "God looooooooves me." if you don't tell yourself that right now, i'll call you up and tell you. God looooooooooooves you. passionately. desperately. you are loooooved.

so i don't see myself as being very wise. i mean i try. i could probably pretend to come off as wise. my mom always tells me that i was wise from the beginning. i was the little evangelist in our family. i'd take off down the beach giving out cheese its to people. sandy, dirty little hands and all. apparently my passion for feeding the poor started off when i was two. i just wanted to make sure no one was hungry. thank You lord i haven't lost sight of that passion. i should have known then You were going to use me to feed the hungry.

funny story, i also wanted to start a church when i was four. i wanted to call it "High Heavens Baptist Church." yet again, little evangelist here. crazy thing is i still want to start a church somewhere. i'm going to do it before i die. i'm adding that to my bucket list.

but wise. no. i try. i wish i knew all the answers to give someone. all i can do is pray for you. offer advice and words of encouragement that i've prayed God would give me. but i am not wise on my own.

and when it comes to dating. my goodness. i am blessed. blessed beyond words. i've been blessed by God to have an amazing boyfriend. to steal from Ben Folds, "all the wrong turns, stumbles and falls brought me here..." mark and i meeting each other was what i like to call a divine appointment. at the shotgun house, both of us were supposed to be standing in that kitchen. i was supposed to have a pancake in my mouth and telling my roommate that i needed some milk. mark was supposed to walk by and overhear my dumb comment. i still remember the look he gave me. i was so embarassed that a really good looking guy heard me say something incredibly stupid. he looked like he was almost in disbelief and maybe wonder that a girl would say that. but hey. it paid off right? no i usually dont talk with food in my mouth, thats disgusting. but i was just being silly. and thank God mark walked by. and that he actually found me later that night. we talked for about two hours on that front porch. we talked about everything.from a goofy movie to being pastor's kids to coldplay. i walked away that night and felt as though my life was about to change.

but although mark and i both desire to have the perfect relationship. we don't. and we never will. but to have a virtuous dating relationship is something we can only pursue. to have something that honors Christ in everything we do. to see Christ in each other's actions and words. i want mark to look at me and not see me at all but see Christ in me and through me. i want to be beautiful to him because of my passion and fire for Christ. i am so blessed to have someone who loves Christ with everything that he is. i love the fact that mark is so passionate for God. one of my favorite dates that we had was sitting on top of mark's car under a sky full of billions of stars and just sitting. not talking. not laughing. but sitting. and worshipping. taking God in with every breath.

this reminds me of beach camp a few years ago. our speaker, Marcus....Marcus something. i wish i could remember his last name but he was awesome. anways...he reminded us that we are to worship and praise God with all that we are. with every breath we breathe. so when we breathe in, we worship God. we take Him in. when we breathe out, we praise Him. we extol His name. breathe in. breathe out. constant worship and praise.

i love hearing about what God is doing in mark's life. i love the fact that mark prays for me. that he prays for my life apart from our life as a couple. mark prays for me and my daily walk with Christ. i woke up from a nap one day with an IM from mark that simply said, "good morning. i'm about to pray for you. look for a chance to share Christ with someone today." i will never forget that. mark always encourages me to look for a chance to share Christ.

i pray for mark and his passion for Christ. i pray for him several times a day. not only do i thank God for him but i pray that mark will feel God move in him constantly. that God will surround him and pour His love into his life. i pray that mark will be overwhelmed and left speechless by God. that his life will be constantly revolutionized by God. that he will learn new things every day. that his fire and his passion for God will never fade, even the slightest bit. i hope and pray with everything i am that mark will continue to search God. to thirst for Him. to never be content in where he is at. to always want to know more. mark doesn't know this but sometimes when we're hanging out or riding in the car, i'm praying to God for him. sometimes i'll squeeze his hand only to hint at him that i'm praying for him. i hope he gets that.

this may have been the longest blog i've ever written. but i dont care. i hope this helped someone to want to become a woman of God or to want to know how to be one. i'll do the best i can to help but remember i'm learning too. please, please please be praying for this retreat in february. i'm so very excited to be going to folly beach with my favorite high school girls. they're all amazing and i thank God for them every day.

i need You to love me

2008-01-12T08:53:00.000-08:00

Why are You still here with me? Didn't You see what I've done? In my shame I want to run and hide myself there. But its here I see the truth, I don't deserve You.

But I need You to love me. And I won't keep my heart from You this time. I'll stop this pretending that I can somehow deserve what I already have. I need You to love me.

I have wasted so much time pushing You away from me. I just never saw how You could cherish me because You're a God who has all things and still You want me.

I need You to love me. I won't keep my heart from You this time. I'll stop this pretending that I can somehow deserve what I already have.

Your love makes me forget what I have been. Your love makes me see who I really am. Your love makes me forget what I have been.

I need You to love me. I'll stop this pretending that I can somehow deserve what I already have. I need You to love me.

-BG

"But You are a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love..." Nehemiah 9:17

"Nothing can hinder the Lord from saving, whether by many or by few." 1 Samuel 14:6

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." Romans 8:18

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9

"For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to Him." 2 Chronicles 16:9

"My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to Your word." Psalm 119:28

"Strengthen the feeble hands, steady the knees that give way. Say to those with fearful hearts, 'Be strong. Do not fear. Your God will come, He will come with vengeance, with divine retribution. He will come to save you." Isaiah 35:3

"So do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

oh the name of Jesus.

2008-01-10T17:55:00.000-08:00

4 years.

4 years of praying. tears. reading. researching. more praying. more tears. more praying. finally i'm going. i'm going to Kenya. i leave June 8 and will return to the States on June 19. i have never been more excited but mostly scared out of my mind. absolutely terrified. to the point of tears.

"Father, please forgive me for I cannot compose the fear that lives within me or the rate at which it grows. Struggle has a purpose on the narrow road you've carved Why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar? Do they see the fear in my eyes? Are they so revealing? This time I cannot disguise all the doubt I'm feeling..." "what if i stumble?" - dc talk

yes that is dc talk. and i still listen to them. those few lines are my exact feelings right now. what if i stumble? what i don't get through to those who need to hear the good news? what if i arrive and i see the pain and the sorrow in their eyes and i freeze because i feel uncapable? unprepared? unworthy? what if i get to Kenya and my fear comes to rule me and i become silent? what if i don't express the message of Christ's love enough? too many what ifs...

i've known for 4 years that God was calling me...no He was making it absolutely clear to me that He wants me in Kenya. funny thing is He began to soften my heart for this aching country through a Marie Claire magazine. God surely does work in mysterious ways. i truly am excited about going but my fear and my nerves have become to wear me down. i refuse to let this happen. i cannot let this happen. i refuse to let myself grow silent. to let my excitement and my fire die. these past 4 years of growing and learning have been worth it. my dad reminded me this past weekend that sometimes the journey is really when you learn the most, not even on the actual trip that you've been preparing for. i may arrive in Kenya and realize that i am not called to work here but it was actually the growing and learning from God that has brought me to the place where i am.

tonight while riding in mark's car, i began to listen intensely to the words of "How Wonderful" by Leeland. at one part, Leeland sings "oh the name of Jesus..." over and over again. a calmness and peace swept me away. i heard God whisper "i love you. i love you. i love you." just by hearing this one part of the song, the name of Jesus brought a peace and helped to rekindle my fire. it amazes me that just by saying this holy name brings comfort to me. that is how powerful, how mind blowing Christ's love is. i felt mark's hand holding tight to mine and i realized that God was still holding my hand but stronger and tighter than anyone else could. He's never let go. even in my fear. in my doubt. in my stupid thoughts of stumbling...He has not let go of my hand. sometimes i think mark knows when i'm not in a good mood or when something is weighing on my mind, he always seems to grab hold of my hand at the perfect time. i believe this is God's way of me physically feeling His hand in mine. thank You God for mark and for what You've done in our lives.

i'm not saying my fear has subsided. or my thoughts of failure have been silenced. this is only the beginning. satan is going to do everything he can to tear me away and to dampen my fire for Kenya. i know God and the strength He provides is stronger than any fear or thought of failure but i am human. i am not completely fearless. i hope and pray that over the next few months i will learn to be. i want to arrive in Kenya completely on fire and unable to be silenced. i thank God for people like mark who listen to me and remind me that its okay to be scared as long as my faith and trust is in God. i know my trip will be amazing. my eyes will be opened. my ears will hear the stories that are told by the eyes of the ones i will meet. i will be moved in a way that i can find nowhere else. i'm scared but willing. i am hard pressed on every side but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair; persecuted but not abandoned; struck down but not destroyed. i am ready. scared out of my mind. absolutely terrified. but ready.

I hear you whispering my name ..."My love for you will never change"

oh the name of Jesus...

you belong to Me

2008-01-06T18:01:00.000-08:00

blessed -divinely or supremely favored; fortunate; blissfully happy or contented.

this definition, provided by dictionary.com thank you very much, fits me perfectly. i am blessed. blessed beyond words. beyond emotion. my smile and tears of joy do not even come to close to what i feel. as i sit here with my piece of pizza, tall glass of sweet lemonade and my new favorite cd playing in the background (Sara Bareilles "Little Voice" go buy it or go home.), i realize that my blessings have only begun. this is only the beginning.

"Jabez called out to the God of Israel, 'Oh that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let Your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain.' And God granted his request..." 1 Chronicles 4:10

before one can recieve the blessings, one must surrender. surrender and give up control of your life. your life is not yours to call your own. your life is God's to use to share His love and to bring glory to His name. but you must surrender to Him and His love for you. and with surrender comes the blessings. God rewards those who take positive daily steps in His direction. december 7th 2007, while driving home, i threw myself a pity party because i though this Christmas break was going to suck. no...more than just suck. i was going to be completely away from my best friend, from my other half. it was going to be nothing more than a miserable holiday, that for once in my life, i wasn't in the mood for. but two days later, i cried out to God in my car. i hated the fact that i had only been home for two days and i was already miserable. i was scared. so scared and confused. i had never been that way. when i had problems with a guy, i never held on. i let go because it wasn't worth my time. but now i had held on for all i had in me. something was different. i was being held without chains.

finally through the tears i cried, i surrendered everything to God, asking Him to take complete control of me. to show me what he wants for me. separate from all relationships i have. i want to know His love song for me. i want to know His plan for me. i need to know this. it is vital in order for me to survive in this world. so by the grace of God, all my miserable thoughts were cleared away. the rain had finally come to a stop and the blessings began. the right doors were open once i completely surrendered control. on my own, away from my best friend, i had to grow.

grace is free. salvation is free. spritual growth is not.

weeks later on December 21, part of God's plan for my life was revealed to me. on december 27th, i recieved the best Christmas present i could ever ask for. after 4 months of prayer and faith, my best friend and i finally recieved God's blessing to be together. it sounds so silly but i became a girlfriend. i have a boyfriend who still leaves me speechless with his reckless love and faith in Christ.*and trust me. if you're laughing i really don't care. because 1. im laughing at myself. and 2. i'll be laughing when you realize your boyfriend is extremely lame when it comes to mine. there is no comparison to him*

since that day, it has been nothing but a blessing. a blessing to wake up in the morning and know, without a doubt, that i am loved. loved in a way i thought i had before, but that was not love. that was far from it. now i am in loved in a way so deep and so passionate that i could never trade it for anything in this world. i know that when my world is a mess and to steal a quote from The Fray, "when my city spins around" i know who i can run to. i have someone who will hold me in his arms and reassure me that i am okay. that God is in control. i am constantly encouraged in my daily walk with Christ and i am loved for me. for what i am. for what i was created by God to be. it feels so good. to know that i was created for someone. that i now belong with someone. i am his and he is mine.

but all the more...i am still me. i thank God with all that i am that i have someone who has not let me lose sight of what i am. mom and i talked today about how sometimes in a relationship, one person is lost in the shadow of another and they are forgotten. i praise God that this will never happen to me. i will not be lost in the shadow. my other half has only helped me to further pursue God's will for my life, apart from our life together. i can create my own shadow where i pray to God no one will ever stand. i refuse to let that happen. although i know who i belong with, i know who i belong to. i am child of the King. i belong to Him. no one else will ever have my love. my fire. my passion for my King. He has rescued me over and over again. when things are not going right, when i feel all the world is against me, i can hold on to the knowledge that i am rescued. that i am saved by grace. i hear God quietly whisper "you belong to Me." praise God. praise God with all that i am and with all that is in me. i belong to Him.

"Into Your hands, I commit my spirit. Redeem me, O Lord, the God of truth...You have not handed me over to the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place." Psalm 31:5 &8

how great our joy.

2007-12-16T18:47:00.000-08:00

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2

today was my church's 7th annual "Stabs of Joy" service where Pastor Harling allows the congregation to share the times in the past year where God has moved them and given them joy. i thought about standing up to share mine but realized even if i tried, i wouldn't be able to make it through without crying. so i decided i could share mine here where it doesnt matter if i cry. you won't see me but only read my words.

my first two stabs of joy are from the same family. kaylee grace and analise faith. i have been blessed to babysit these two beautiful girls every day during summer and Christmas break. these girls teach me new things every day, from patience to the new games to play at school. but i need to explain why they are my daily stabs of joy.

kaylee grace, who is 6 now, was diagnosed a few years ago with a developmental delay in speech. at the age of 3, kaylee was still using grunts and noises to communicate. by the age of 4, she still had not begun to talk in full sentences but only used single words or just a few worded sentence to get her point across. finally at the age of 5, kaylee began talking like normal. and now that she has finally opened her mouth, she is never quiet. sometimes i have to admit, it drives me crazy, but God reminds me that just a year ago, kaylee wasn't talking. now i love to hear her talk to me. sometimes i beg her to tell me about her day at school or some new friends she met on the playground. i love the fact that she screams my name everytime she sees me. like the other night i walked into the gym where our youth group meets and kaylee was inside with her dad. i didnt even get through the door without her running up to me, screaming my name and jumping into my outstretched arms. my favorite thing to talk about with kaylee is her love for Jesus. i catch her singing "Jesus Loves Me" all the time. i love hearing her sing to Veggietales or praise songs like "Here I am To Worship." whenever i hear her sing, i immediately thank God for the blessing of having kaylee in my life. she is truly a miracle child.

"He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God..." Psalm 40:3

and now analise faith. analise is two and acts as though she's older than kaylee. my sweet, sweet lisie...this child is absolutely hysterical. i can only hope and pray that i have a little girl as funny as she is. but analise surprised me the other day. she's learning to talk and sometimes she'll repeat what i say. i've even taught her what certain animals say. that may be one of the funniest things she does. but anyways, after their bathtime the other night, i had analise in her room changing her into her pajamas. i had the Hillsong United's "Solution" stuck in my head and i started singing the part that says "Whoa-ah oh, God be the solution". and lisie started singing it back to me. then we both were singing at the top of our lungs. it reminded me of having a child-like faith. the innocence of a child can teach an adult such amazing things. kaylee and analise trust and depend on me for most of their things during the day. and to see lisie singing a simple song she doesnt know only showed a preview to what i hope will be a strong Christian walk. i want so badly to sing along with God when i dont know whats going on. analise has such a caring heart and somehow she knows when i've had a rough day. when i arrived at their house monday morning, i wasn't in the best mood and i guess lisie understood that i wasn't too happy. as soon as i walked in the door, she ran to me and threw her arms around my neck. she never left my side the entire day. thank you God for this child and her sweet heart.

"And He said, 'I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of Heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of Heaven." Matthew 18:3

my next stab of joy will definitely bring tears to my eyes. this person has shown me faith in ways i've never seen before. i know he was placed in my life for a reason.

on october 20th, of this year, i received one of the worst phone calls of my life. i hope and pray i won't ever get a call like this again. as i answered my phone with an excited "hey you!" my best friend's voice was filled with sorrow and pain. he simply said my name and by his tone i knew something was terribly wrong. as i asked what had happened, he said my name again and then told me the terrible news that his father had died. i hit the floor in my hallway and started crying. i asked him how and he could barely get it out. i'll never forget the sound of his voice as he asked me over and over again "what am i going to do?" to be honest, i had no clue. the sound of him sobbing is played in my head on the daily. as we hung up the phone, i stayed on my knees, with my face to the floor and cried out to God. i was angry. i was confused. why did this happen? my best friend's father as an amazing man who truly loved God with everything in him. why? my best friend did not deserve to feel pain like this. i didn't understand why. it was at this time, i realized i needed to call my parents and tell them. i cried to my mom and begged her to tell me how i was supposed to help my best friend during this time. she assured me over and over again that God would grant me the words, the encouragement and the perfect timing that would be needed to minister to my friend. the next few days were a blur all except the day of the funeral.

october 23rd, the day of the funeral. the day that i saw God's hands in a way i can hardly describe. there were tons of people at the funeral. my other friend and i were seated in the overflow room where we watched the funeral on a screen. there we watched as my best friend, only by the grace and strength of God, stood before the congregation and spoke of the love and life of his father. later on in the funeral, the band played "How Great Is Our God" and it was during this song that i witnessed true faith and trust in God. as the song played, the cameras moved throughout the congregation and finally came to rest on the most amazing thing i've ever seen - my best friend's raised hands. he was singing and praising God with everything he had. tears streamed down my face and i began thanking God for everything i have been blessed with. especially being blessed with a friend who was so passionately in love with Him. i will never forget what i saw that day. that holy moment, that humbling scene, will stay with me for the rest of my life. that is true faith and trust to me.

my best friend will never know how much he means to me. my heart still literally aches for him every day. he has experienced pain and sorrow that i cannot begin to imagine. but yet throughout this time, he has taught me what faith really is. he has shown me how to be fearless for Christ. he points me constantly in the way of Christ and expects nothing less for me than to carry out the will of God for my life. for that, im thankful to be blessed with him in my life. he is my stab of joy.

"I will praise Your Name for Your Love and Your Faithfulness, for You have exalted above all things Your Name and Your Word. When I called You, answered me. You have made me bold and stouthearted." Psalm 138:2-3

my last stab of joy is knowing that i am forgiven. i've made so many mistakes this past year but i know God's mercies are new and everleasting. He takes all of me; every stupid, rash, arrogant, sinful cell in my body. for that i truly know what grace is. i do not deserve the love of God. the inexplainable love that called an innocent, perfect man to give up His life willingly for me. me, the girl who makes mistakes every day. the girl who chooses to make her own decisions without letting God take control first. the girl who stumbles but truly wants to carry out God's will. what have i done to deserve a love like this? nothing. all i can offer is my life and my promise to give everything i am for the glory of God. my promise to carry the light of Christ to places where only darkness reigns. to put my life on the line just to show the love of God to someone. God i give You all of me. my heart is Yours.

"If You, O Lord, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with You there is forgiveness; therefore You are feared." Psalm 130:3-4

God, you have given me joy that i cannot explain. You wake me up every morning and fill my life with joy. i am blessed beyond words. beyond my wildest dreams. God i give you my life, my all, my everything. use me so that i may share this joy with those around me. let me become a light for You Father. let me fade so others can only see You and the joy that You provide. You, Father God, are my true stab of joy.

joyborn

2007-12-11T16:36:00.000-08:00

God moved me today like never before. i'm surprised i'm even able to write. i went over to the satellite campus with my dad today to hear some ladies from the church sing. dad had to be there to play piano for them and i also made him go with me to my doctor's appointment this morning.

two sidenotes on that:
1. while at the doctor's appointment, i had to get a shot. it hurt. a lot.
2. i pulled the pity card and made dad buy me starbucks afterwards. pumpkin spice frap = amazing.

anyways, while dad was playing piano, i kind of listened to these ladies sing the same ole christmas songs. but then they began to sing "oh holy night." i wanted to see how this one would go because of the high notes that were in the song and because its one of my favorites. but as these ladies began to sing, i started to listen in closely to the words.

"Fall on your knees. Oh, hear the angel voices..."

literally, i felt God move. its the most indescribable feeling i've ever had. and then it occurred to me. God, the Creator of the Universe, the Infinite One, the Great I AM, sent His Son to save me. WHY? the Prince of Heaven had arrived on earth. for me. something is radically wrong. Jesus Christ, my Lord, my Savior, the warrior of my soul has just been born. who am i that God would give up His son for me, a unworthy sinner? i began to go weak in the knees from the millions of thoughts that flowed from that one phrase in this song.

i wanted to fall to my knees. i should have gotten facedown to the floor and cried out to God. i began to think of the supernatural events that were taking place on that very night. angels filled the sky singing praise to God. demons ran in fear because they knew their days were numbered. the spiritual battle over our souls had just taken a drastic turn. God sent in His son, the One who would save us all. no more pain, no more sorrow, no more hurt because of this one child. this one child would be the Savior of the world. Praise God!

"and in His name, all oppression shall cease..."

i love that line. it just sounds so commanding. "And In His Name..." ah, i love it. it just cries out "nothing is impossible for God. absolutely nothing so don't even try."

i'm beginning to lose words for my feelings about today. there's only so much i can say and then i become speechless and in awe. i still cannot comprehend everything that happened on that holy night. the other lines that really get me are...

"let all within us praise His Name forever. Christ is the Lord. Oh praise His name forever..."

it doesn't say halfway sing His praises. it doesn't say sway with the music. it says, it commands more like it, that with all that we are we are to praise Christ Jesus. everything else is meaningless. nothing else matters. for the rest of our lives, for all of eternity we are to praise Christ with everything we are. the passion that we feel should burn within us. we should be left completely poured out but yet filled again. comprende? probably not, but hopefully you understand what i mean. we are to present ourselves to God, completely pour out everything we are so that are left empty but yet satisfied. no not satisfied because we are never to be satisfied in our walk. then we'll settle and be content.

God is enough for us. we are not enough for God. but He takes all that we are anyways.

sorry i know i got off track, but the words kept coming. my point in this blog was it blows my mind that God can use something like hearing a christmas song that i've heard millions of times before and turn it into a moving and powerful moment that i will never forget. praise God. with all that i am, praise God.

so the next time you hear a Christmas song that talks about the birth of Jesus, really listen to it. fall on your knees even and praise His holy name.

"His power and glory evermore proclaim..."

sparks

2007-12-03T06:59:00.000-08:00

i hate fighting with you.

i hate the fact that we both know what we want but we let everything else get in the way. we've been stuck like this for months now. we both make promises of changing and yet we're still the same. i'm sick and tired of this. i hate crying about us. i hate laying in bed for hours, thinking of nothing but you and me and how we're playing games. i hate the fact that i run so much, hoping to get you off my mind but it only makes things worse. i havent been running in weeks. i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

"So roll the windows down
and put the car in drive.
It's starting to rain a little bit outside
and I've had you on my mind for some time.
Why did you go?
Why did you leave?
I can't forget about you and me
But now I'm letting go."
- Sequoyah Prep School

you know good and well that i want to be with you. i know you want to be with me. but what is the problem? i'm not angry. i'm not bitter. i just want to know. things aren't getting easier and they won't for a long time. we're human. we make mistakes. i am not perfect. neither are you. i will make more mistakes. you will still say things you don't mean when you're angry at me. you'll make mistakes too. i'll be upset and probably cry and refuse to talk to you until you come around. we'll get mad. we'll yell. yet again, we're human. we both have hurt each other in so many ways. we've both said a lot of hurtful things. why do we keep reminding ourselves of what each other did wrong?

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

yeah i used that verse. i pulled that card. it needed to be brought up. we're good together. you are my absolute best friend and i know i can count on you for anything. you are the only one who is actually honest with me. you aren't afraid to hurt my feelings which surprisingly, is kind of attractive. no you aren't mean to me but if i need to hear the truth, you're the one who'll let me in on it. thank you.

but i'm not asking for anything right now. you cannot give me that. I KNOW. I KNOW. I KNOW. its okay. i can't offer you anything except my promise to be there like i have been before. my heart has some healing to do as well. some things we've said have hurt me more than you could know. i'm learning about patience. God has taught me so much about patience. patience for you. patience for me. but especially about being patient with Him. i wish God could let me know every morning what i'd be doing that day. who i'll meet. what i'll say. what mistakes i'll make. but obviously, that can't happen. it's all a part of life.

you and i have got to figure out what's going to happen. i dont want to leave but i have to ask; if i told you i was done, what would you do? would you let me leave? or would you try and convince me to stay? i hope you'd ask me to stay. and not just because you need me as your best friend. i asked you before what you would say if i left. you said you'd miss me and that you needed me in your life because im your best friend. is that all i'll ever be? i want to turn and walk away so bad but something is still holding me back. maybe its hope. hope that you and i will actually have a chance to be together. i'm not saying i'm done. i'm not ready to give up yet. but i'm drained. and i need you to be my strength right now. i've been yours for the past few months and now i need it just as much. i know you're weak but we have to learn to rely on each other. we have to help each other.

"I am running out of patience.
It seems that we have run out of time.
But its another fight for another night
to get you off my mind.
And I'm thining that I should walk away...
Fussing and fighting and crying,
I've had enough.
And I'm leaving.
But maybe if I stay and choose not to walk away,
we could last for one more day.
But the catch is you know,
that I can't let you go.
Through the good times and the bad times...
You can lay down on my shoulder if you want to.
If you fall, you won't fall far
cause I'll catch you.
And even when it rains,
I'll be there just the same.
My whole life has changed since I met you."
- Sequoyah Prep School

the truth is, i want to be angry. i want to yell and scream at you about everything. there are so many things that i've thought of to say. satan has definitely reminded me of the cruel things we've done to each other. i am so tempted to remind you of every one of them. i want to be bitter to you so then i wouldn't think of how much this hurts. but if i'm angry or bitter that means i shut you out. i lose you period. no more being best friends. i can't do that. i can't shut you out. yes, i admit it, i need you in my life whether its best friends or more. i wish it were more but i cannot and will not ask of that now. its not fair to you or me. i've been here for months. i've been patient. i've had your back everytime, day and night. you told me that at the end of everything, you know i'd still be here. but now, i've got to tell you- please decide if you want me to stay. if i stay then i'm afraid that this will happen again in a few months or even weeks. one time you said that you wished i would do something to make you realize that you could really lose me because you felt you could do anything to me and i'd still be here. i wish you would realize that you could lose me without me having to do anything. its the effort that i'm asking for. if you want me to stay, then show me. i'd stay as long as i could have some kind of promise that you wouldn't forget me. if you were finally healed, then i'd be the first to know. i cannot guarantee if you let me walk then i'd be able to be friends with you. at least not yet. it would be too painful for me to look you in the eye and tell you i was fine.

i'm good at pretending but after a while everything would come to the surface and you'd know the truth. the truth that i wouldn't be fine. the truth that every song on my iPod still had something to do with you. that everything in my room still reminded me of you. that i still had every note, card and flower that you'd given me. the truth that i looked for you around campus, hoping to just "accidentally" bump into you. that i hoped you missed me. or i hoped you thought about me when you heard a song and it made you want to call. obviously, i'd be holding out for you. hoping you'd call me and say that you want to be with me. that it would be you and me. no more back and forth. no more changing our minds every other week. i can't promise i wouldn't secretly hold out for you.

"As long as the day is full of time, there will always be room for your hand in mine..." - Brandi Carlile

i know you care about me. i know. i can tell by the way you talk to me or when i catch you looking at me. (yes i catch you doing that. and i love it.) i can tell you have feelings for me when you laugh or when you are really listening to what i have to say. i can tell when your eyes light up when im telling something exciting that happened to me. of if i need you to pray for me, you do it. or you celebrate with me when i call to tell you about something with my youth kids. i know how you feel when you throw your arms around me and hug me like we haven't seen each other in years when its only been an hour. i can tell. so don't ever think i never knew.

you told me once that you were afraid i didn't "get" you. you're a complex person. you wanted me to just "know" when you were upset. but how can i if i dont have the slightest clue? you're an extremely strong person. its okay to be weak. its okay to cry. its okay to want to be held. i want you to want me to be the one who holds you when you're upset. i want to be that person. God alone can fix you, but i want to be used by Him to fix you. you and i both know about being back and forth. i've got some healing to do as well but i want you to know that i want to be with you. no one else. you are everything i want and need. you know me and you understand me. you get me. thats why its so hard for me to let go. you understand what im saying when i dont make sense at all, not even to myself. you encourage me and point me to Christ. you have made me brave. i remember one conversation we had about me being nervous about going to kenya and uganda. i told you how dangerous it was over there for a Christian and you told me that you want to die for Christ. i told you i was scared of doing that. you have helped to make me fearless. i'm no longer scared about going into unknown territory but i cannot wait to be out of my comfort zone. you are the reason for that.

the one thing i hate is when we talk about "what if we don't work out." i hate that more than you know. but i have to say this...i don't know whats going to happen with us. but you need to know that if things don't work out the way we want them to, then i will be fine. it will be so hard for me at first. i am strong enough to get over you. i know i can do it. i dont want to shut you out and i promise i'll do my best not to. i know you don't know what's going to happen with us. and that is comforting. because of that i know that you are struggling with this just as much as i am. you've got that "i don't care, chill out" attitude that you know i can't stand sometimes. but to know that this tears you up just as much as it kills me, it helps.

i'm sorry for the mistakes i made. i'm sorry for the wrong things i said. i'm sorry for possibly pushing something neither of us were ready for. you know my heart and you know my intentions. all i can hope is that you will show me yours. prove to me what you want. thats all i ask.

"so pick me. choose me. love me." - Grey's Anatomy

i wish we knew what was going to happen with us. i want to be with you. the only thing i can promise you know is to be here like i have been before, but better than before. i'm here. i'm not going anywhere. but i need you to realize that i could leave. this should make you realize that you need to prove to me you dont want me to go. you could lose me. i dont need to do anything at all for you to realize that. you need to know that on your own.

impatience is my worst enemy

2007-11-26T14:54:00.000-08:00

it's been absolutely forever since i've had the chance to write. i've realized i find serenity in writing. it helps to clear my head. although so many think if you write down your thoughts, you'll forget them. i think sometimes when i write down my thoughts, they only intensify. sometimes i feel a release, but many times writing is only a reminder. i'm only making my thoughts permanent by writing them down.

so why do i write? to be honest, i have no clue. i have my journal that i've let only three people look through. i've been writing in it for a little over a year now. it started out to be a random journal with my thoughts, doodles and letters to certain people. the first letter is quite long...i had some things to say to that person. God healed my heart and thankfully i don't need to say anything at all. but now my journal is full of my dreams, my passions, ways God has revolutionized my heart. my favorite part of my journal is articles and pictures i've cut out over the period of three years. no one really knows why my heart aches for the faces in these pictures. God only knows...

three years ago while at the beach with my family, i ended up getting really really sick and had to spend a few days inside. i was bummed. extremely bummed. but being the little sister that i am, i stole some of my sister's magazines to read. i came across an article in marie claire that became the spark to fuel the fire that i have now. thank you megan for buying this issue of marie claire. this article was about women who have experienced things, many would not be strong enough to survive. one 13 year old girl hides her face behind a veil because her brother in law threw acid in her face. only 3/4ths of her face is recognizable. my heart literally broke. as i flipped through this article, i felt God move in a way that still gets to me today. my mom says He "nudged" my heart. this was only the beginning ...

the beach + my hilarious family + gorgeous weather + getting sick + 36 hours on the couch = best summer of my life.

now three years later, God has shown me my purpose. i was created only to serve Him. to carry His light to the ends of the earth. for the past three years, i have been praying for an opportunity to go to wherever He has called me. last summer, God made it clear where i was going. Kenya is my first trip. Uganda will be my next. in July 2008, i will hopefully be in Kenya. my journal is now filled with pictures of people, articles on courageous children in Uganda and numerous entries of my impatience to go. my best friend mary went to Kenya two summers ago. lucky...But she brought back pictures and stories. this only fueled the fire. but i feel helpless. impatience is my worst enemy. the pictures in my journal constantly come back to haunt me. these children need to know they are not alone. they must know there is a Savior. i cannot bear to think they live in a life of fear. it is evident in their eyes.

their eyes tell the stories we refuse to hear.

God forgive me for not listening before. forgive me for being so wrapped up in my life and refusing to listen to what actually matters. God forgive me for complaining. You have blessed me beyond my wildest dreams. what have i done to deserve it? how can i bring glory to Your Name? whatever i have, all that i am, everything, God...I give it to You. here i am Lord. send me.

i cannot wait.

i cannot wait to throw my arms around them. i want to hug every one of them. i cannot wait to hear the stories with my own ears. i cannot wait to share pictures. i cannot wait until i see their smiles with my own eyes. i cannot wait...