impatience is my worst enemy

it's been absolutely forever since i've had the chance to write. i've realized i find serenity in writing. it helps to clear my head. although so many think if you write down your thoughts, you'll forget them. i think sometimes when i write down my thoughts, they only intensify. sometimes i feel a release, but many times writing is only a reminder. i'm only making my thoughts permanent by writing them down.

so why do i write? to be honest, i have no clue. i have my journal that i've let only three people look through. i've been writing in it for a little over a year now. it started out to be a random journal with my thoughts, doodles and letters to certain people. the first letter is quite long...i had some things to say to that person. God healed my heart and thankfully i don't need to say anything at all. but now my journal is full of my dreams, my passions, ways God has revolutionized my heart. my favorite part of my journal is articles and pictures i've cut out over the period of three years. no one really knows why my heart aches for the faces in these pictures. God only knows...

three years ago while at the beach with my family, i ended up getting really really sick and had to spend a few days inside. i was bummed. extremely bummed. but being the little sister that i am, i stole some of my sister's magazines to read. i came across an article in marie claire that became the spark to fuel the fire that i have now. thank you megan for buying this issue of marie claire. this article was about women who have experienced things, many would not be strong enough to survive. one 13 year old girl hides her face behind a veil because her brother in law threw acid in her face. only 3/4ths of her face is recognizable. my heart literally broke. as i flipped through this article, i felt God move in a way that still gets to me today. my mom says He "nudged" my heart. this was only the beginning ...

the beach + my hilarious family + gorgeous weather + getting sick + 36 hours on the couch = best summer of my life.

now three years later, God has shown me my purpose. i was created only to serve Him. to carry His light to the ends of the earth. for the past three years, i have been praying for an opportunity to go to wherever He has called me. last summer, God made it clear where i was going. Kenya is my first trip. Uganda will be my next. in July 2008, i will hopefully be in Kenya. my journal is now filled with pictures of people, articles on courageous children in Uganda and numerous entries of my impatience to go. my best friend mary went to Kenya two summers ago. lucky...But she brought back pictures and stories. this only fueled the fire. but i feel helpless. impatience is my worst enemy. the pictures in my journal constantly come back to haunt me. these children need to know they are not alone. they must know there is a Savior. i cannot bear to think they live in a life of fear. it is evident in their eyes.

their eyes tell the stories we refuse to hear.

God forgive me for not listening before. forgive me for being so wrapped up in my life and refusing to listen to what actually matters. God forgive me for complaining. You have blessed me beyond my wildest dreams. what have i done to deserve it? how can i bring glory to Your Name? whatever i have, all that i am, everything, God...I give it to You. here i am Lord. send me.

i cannot wait.

i cannot wait to throw my arms around them. i want to hug every one of them. i cannot wait to hear the stories with my own ears. i cannot wait to share pictures. i cannot wait until i see their smiles with my own eyes. i cannot wait...