1. Bring glory to God in absolutely everything that I am and everything I do.
2. Go to Africa (after June 8, I can check this one off!)
3. Marry my best friend.
4. Make sure my girls know how much they mean to me and that they are a God-sent blessing to my life.
5. Go fishing at the Great Lakes.
6. Become an amazing chef (better than Paula Deen or Racheal Ray)
7. Serve Christ alongside my husband.
8. Karaoke.
9. Visit Ireland.
10. Learn to wakeboard and snowboard.
11. Have children who are madly in love with Jesus.
12. Go to Santorini, Greece for my 50th wedding anniversary.
13. Make someone smile. and then they ask why I smile. and I'll answer Jesus.
14. Run in Race for the Cure.
15. Adopt a child.
16. See the Rockefellar Christmas Tree lighting ceremony.
17. Learn to paint.
18. See Kaylee graduate high school.
19. Write a book.
20. Make scrapbooks for all my children.
21. Send Mom and Dad on a cruise for their wedding anniversary.
22. See the house Mom and Dad lived in while Dad was in seminary.
23. Buy a lakehouse or a beach house...or both...
24. Sit in a rocking chair, drinking coffee, watching the sunrise and be completely at peace.
25. Change the world.
more to come...
Monday, January 21, 2008
Saturday, January 19, 2008
for my love.
february 29th - march 2, i'll be in my favorite place in the world with some of my favorite people. folly beach. simpsonville first baptist high school girls retreat. i have never been more excited.
i think i went every year i was in high school but this year is going to be different. i've been asked to help lead this retreat. today i received an email about the theme this year, "Virtuous Reality". our topics this year are hopefully going to help these high school girls to find out what it means to be a woman of God. our topics for the four sessions of the weekend are the Proverbs 31 woman (of course), a woman of worth and purpose, a woman of wisdom and virtuous dating. as i begin praying for each girl on this retreat and for God to prepare my heart to share with these girls, i realize that i must first find out what it really means to be a woman of God. to be the Proverbs 31 woman. to be a woman of worth and purpose. to be a woman of wisdom. and to have a virtuous dating relationship.
i think most Christian women can quote something from the Proverbs 31 woman passage. i know i can quote many verses from it. i strive to be that woman. although i am not married yet, i do hope my husband will have full confidence in me. i want to bring him good, not harm all the days of my life. i cannot wait to serve him. to bring him honor. and to serve Christ with him. that will be my greatest joy. to serve Christ along side my husband. my best friend.
this past Christmas Eve, my dad shared a devotion with my mom, my sister and i where he shared verses that he prays for us. the verses he shared for my mom were the verses from Proverbs 31. as he read them aloud, i saw how much he loves my mom. my mom is an amazing woman. a strong and passionate woman of God. i hope to be like her one day.
every one wants to be considered worthy and to know their purpose in life. i thought my purpose years ago was just to be a 5th grade teacher. but God has bigger plans. i'm going to be a revolutionary. a warrior for Christ. in June i'll be a missionary.
*side track - i just thought of my best friend Heather. i miss her. but while skiing a few weeks ago, heather and i were talking about Jesus coming back and the end of the world. we started talking about the battle that is mentioned in Revelations and Heather looks at me, and in all honesty says, "I hope i get a sword to fight some demons with." Jesus, thank You for my beautiful best friend and her spirit and fire for You.*
okay back to what i was saying. i've always known God valued me as worthy and had a purpose for my life. but He is slowly revealing His purpose for me. i'm so glad that i'm searching for it. He shows me bits and pieces of it daily. and its like unwrapping a present in slow motion. if God just emailed me and told me exactly what i'd be doing for the rest of my life, the search would be over. i'd know. i'd be content. i never want to be content. God is too big and too magnificent for me to be content. if i become content, i stop searching Him. i'd make myself believe that i knew everything there is to know about God. but no. i know so little. and i'm excited about spending the rest of my life still searching and craving to know him. i thirst for Him.
wow. i got side-tracked. that's what God does to me. He blows my mind. i begin searching Him and i cannot stop. i NEVER want to stop. but anyways...worth and purpose. yes. "A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies." well...how sweet. but that's a wife. i am not a wife yet. i am a woman of God. my favorite quote from Captivating says that "creation is incomplete without women." yes, true, God saw the earth and everything He made. and it was good. but still it was incomplete. He made women. without us, creation is incomplete. anytime i feel unworthy or just another person, God always reminds me of that. i am worthy. i am a daughter of the King.
"gaze into my eyes and let me know you'd fight thousands for my love. slip your hand in mine and ask me to dance tonight. just ask me for my love..." -Bethany Dillon
i love that. absolutely love that. God wants to romance us. He wants us to fall in love with Him and to know how much He so desperately loves us. not just loves. but looooooooves. God tells me every day. i am looooooved. go ahead. say it out loud. "God looooooooves me." if you don't tell yourself that right now, i'll call you up and tell you. God looooooooooooves you. passionately. desperately. you are loooooved.
so i don't see myself as being very wise. i mean i try. i could probably pretend to come off as wise. my mom always tells me that i was wise from the beginning. i was the little evangelist in our family. i'd take off down the beach giving out cheese its to people. sandy, dirty little hands and all. apparently my passion for feeding the poor started off when i was two. i just wanted to make sure no one was hungry. thank You lord i haven't lost sight of that passion. i should have known then You were going to use me to feed the hungry.
funny story, i also wanted to start a church when i was four. i wanted to call it "High Heavens Baptist Church." yet again, little evangelist here. crazy thing is i still want to start a church somewhere. i'm going to do it before i die. i'm adding that to my bucket list.
but wise. no. i try. i wish i knew all the answers to give someone. all i can do is pray for you. offer advice and words of encouragement that i've prayed God would give me. but i am not wise on my own.
and when it comes to dating. my goodness. i am blessed. blessed beyond words. i've been blessed by God to have an amazing boyfriend. to steal from Ben Folds, "all the wrong turns, stumbles and falls brought me here..." mark and i meeting each other was what i like to call a divine appointment. at the shotgun house, both of us were supposed to be standing in that kitchen. i was supposed to have a pancake in my mouth and telling my roommate that i needed some milk. mark was supposed to walk by and overhear my dumb comment. i still remember the look he gave me. i was so embarassed that a really good looking guy heard me say something incredibly stupid. he looked like he was almost in disbelief and maybe wonder that a girl would say that. but hey. it paid off right? no i usually dont talk with food in my mouth, thats disgusting. but i was just being silly. and thank God mark walked by. and that he actually found me later that night. we talked for about two hours on that front porch. we talked about everything.from a goofy movie to being pastor's kids to coldplay. i walked away that night and felt as though my life was about to change.
but although mark and i both desire to have the perfect relationship. we don't. and we never will. but to have a virtuous dating relationship is something we can only pursue. to have something that honors Christ in everything we do. to see Christ in each other's actions and words. i want mark to look at me and not see me at all but see Christ in me and through me. i want to be beautiful to him because of my passion and fire for Christ. i am so blessed to have someone who loves Christ with everything that he is. i love the fact that mark is so passionate for God. one of my favorite dates that we had was sitting on top of mark's car under a sky full of billions of stars and just sitting. not talking. not laughing. but sitting. and worshipping. taking God in with every breath.
this reminds me of beach camp a few years ago. our speaker, Marcus....Marcus something. i wish i could remember his last name but he was awesome. anways...he reminded us that we are to worship and praise God with all that we are. with every breath we breathe. so when we breathe in, we worship God. we take Him in. when we breathe out, we praise Him. we extol His name. breathe in. breathe out. constant worship and praise.
i love hearing about what God is doing in mark's life. i love the fact that mark prays for me. that he prays for my life apart from our life as a couple. mark prays for me and my daily walk with Christ. i woke up from a nap one day with an IM from mark that simply said, "good morning. i'm about to pray for you. look for a chance to share Christ with someone today." i will never forget that. mark always encourages me to look for a chance to share Christ.
i pray for mark and his passion for Christ. i pray for him several times a day. not only do i thank God for him but i pray that mark will feel God move in him constantly. that God will surround him and pour His love into his life. i pray that mark will be overwhelmed and left speechless by God. that his life will be constantly revolutionized by God. that he will learn new things every day. that his fire and his passion for God will never fade, even the slightest bit. i hope and pray with everything i am that mark will continue to search God. to thirst for Him. to never be content in where he is at. to always want to know more. mark doesn't know this but sometimes when we're hanging out or riding in the car, i'm praying to God for him. sometimes i'll squeeze his hand only to hint at him that i'm praying for him. i hope he gets that.
this may have been the longest blog i've ever written. but i dont care. i hope this helped someone to want to become a woman of God or to want to know how to be one. i'll do the best i can to help but remember i'm learning too. please, please please be praying for this retreat in february. i'm so very excited to be going to folly beach with my favorite high school girls. they're all amazing and i thank God for them every day.
i think i went every year i was in high school but this year is going to be different. i've been asked to help lead this retreat. today i received an email about the theme this year, "Virtuous Reality". our topics this year are hopefully going to help these high school girls to find out what it means to be a woman of God. our topics for the four sessions of the weekend are the Proverbs 31 woman (of course), a woman of worth and purpose, a woman of wisdom and virtuous dating. as i begin praying for each girl on this retreat and for God to prepare my heart to share with these girls, i realize that i must first find out what it really means to be a woman of God. to be the Proverbs 31 woman. to be a woman of worth and purpose. to be a woman of wisdom. and to have a virtuous dating relationship.
i think most Christian women can quote something from the Proverbs 31 woman passage. i know i can quote many verses from it. i strive to be that woman. although i am not married yet, i do hope my husband will have full confidence in me. i want to bring him good, not harm all the days of my life. i cannot wait to serve him. to bring him honor. and to serve Christ with him. that will be my greatest joy. to serve Christ along side my husband. my best friend.
this past Christmas Eve, my dad shared a devotion with my mom, my sister and i where he shared verses that he prays for us. the verses he shared for my mom were the verses from Proverbs 31. as he read them aloud, i saw how much he loves my mom. my mom is an amazing woman. a strong and passionate woman of God. i hope to be like her one day.
every one wants to be considered worthy and to know their purpose in life. i thought my purpose years ago was just to be a 5th grade teacher. but God has bigger plans. i'm going to be a revolutionary. a warrior for Christ. in June i'll be a missionary.
*side track - i just thought of my best friend Heather. i miss her. but while skiing a few weeks ago, heather and i were talking about Jesus coming back and the end of the world. we started talking about the battle that is mentioned in Revelations and Heather looks at me, and in all honesty says, "I hope i get a sword to fight some demons with." Jesus, thank You for my beautiful best friend and her spirit and fire for You.*
okay back to what i was saying. i've always known God valued me as worthy and had a purpose for my life. but He is slowly revealing His purpose for me. i'm so glad that i'm searching for it. He shows me bits and pieces of it daily. and its like unwrapping a present in slow motion. if God just emailed me and told me exactly what i'd be doing for the rest of my life, the search would be over. i'd know. i'd be content. i never want to be content. God is too big and too magnificent for me to be content. if i become content, i stop searching Him. i'd make myself believe that i knew everything there is to know about God. but no. i know so little. and i'm excited about spending the rest of my life still searching and craving to know him. i thirst for Him.
wow. i got side-tracked. that's what God does to me. He blows my mind. i begin searching Him and i cannot stop. i NEVER want to stop. but anyways...worth and purpose. yes. "A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies." well...how sweet. but that's a wife. i am not a wife yet. i am a woman of God. my favorite quote from Captivating says that "creation is incomplete without women." yes, true, God saw the earth and everything He made. and it was good. but still it was incomplete. He made women. without us, creation is incomplete. anytime i feel unworthy or just another person, God always reminds me of that. i am worthy. i am a daughter of the King.
"gaze into my eyes and let me know you'd fight thousands for my love. slip your hand in mine and ask me to dance tonight. just ask me for my love..." -Bethany Dillon
i love that. absolutely love that. God wants to romance us. He wants us to fall in love with Him and to know how much He so desperately loves us. not just loves. but looooooooves. God tells me every day. i am looooooved. go ahead. say it out loud. "God looooooooves me." if you don't tell yourself that right now, i'll call you up and tell you. God looooooooooooves you. passionately. desperately. you are loooooved.
so i don't see myself as being very wise. i mean i try. i could probably pretend to come off as wise. my mom always tells me that i was wise from the beginning. i was the little evangelist in our family. i'd take off down the beach giving out cheese its to people. sandy, dirty little hands and all. apparently my passion for feeding the poor started off when i was two. i just wanted to make sure no one was hungry. thank You lord i haven't lost sight of that passion. i should have known then You were going to use me to feed the hungry.
funny story, i also wanted to start a church when i was four. i wanted to call it "High Heavens Baptist Church." yet again, little evangelist here. crazy thing is i still want to start a church somewhere. i'm going to do it before i die. i'm adding that to my bucket list.
but wise. no. i try. i wish i knew all the answers to give someone. all i can do is pray for you. offer advice and words of encouragement that i've prayed God would give me. but i am not wise on my own.
and when it comes to dating. my goodness. i am blessed. blessed beyond words. i've been blessed by God to have an amazing boyfriend. to steal from Ben Folds, "all the wrong turns, stumbles and falls brought me here..." mark and i meeting each other was what i like to call a divine appointment. at the shotgun house, both of us were supposed to be standing in that kitchen. i was supposed to have a pancake in my mouth and telling my roommate that i needed some milk. mark was supposed to walk by and overhear my dumb comment. i still remember the look he gave me. i was so embarassed that a really good looking guy heard me say something incredibly stupid. he looked like he was almost in disbelief and maybe wonder that a girl would say that. but hey. it paid off right? no i usually dont talk with food in my mouth, thats disgusting. but i was just being silly. and thank God mark walked by. and that he actually found me later that night. we talked for about two hours on that front porch. we talked about everything.from a goofy movie to being pastor's kids to coldplay. i walked away that night and felt as though my life was about to change.
but although mark and i both desire to have the perfect relationship. we don't. and we never will. but to have a virtuous dating relationship is something we can only pursue. to have something that honors Christ in everything we do. to see Christ in each other's actions and words. i want mark to look at me and not see me at all but see Christ in me and through me. i want to be beautiful to him because of my passion and fire for Christ. i am so blessed to have someone who loves Christ with everything that he is. i love the fact that mark is so passionate for God. one of my favorite dates that we had was sitting on top of mark's car under a sky full of billions of stars and just sitting. not talking. not laughing. but sitting. and worshipping. taking God in with every breath.
this reminds me of beach camp a few years ago. our speaker, Marcus....Marcus something. i wish i could remember his last name but he was awesome. anways...he reminded us that we are to worship and praise God with all that we are. with every breath we breathe. so when we breathe in, we worship God. we take Him in. when we breathe out, we praise Him. we extol His name. breathe in. breathe out. constant worship and praise.
i love hearing about what God is doing in mark's life. i love the fact that mark prays for me. that he prays for my life apart from our life as a couple. mark prays for me and my daily walk with Christ. i woke up from a nap one day with an IM from mark that simply said, "good morning. i'm about to pray for you. look for a chance to share Christ with someone today." i will never forget that. mark always encourages me to look for a chance to share Christ.
i pray for mark and his passion for Christ. i pray for him several times a day. not only do i thank God for him but i pray that mark will feel God move in him constantly. that God will surround him and pour His love into his life. i pray that mark will be overwhelmed and left speechless by God. that his life will be constantly revolutionized by God. that he will learn new things every day. that his fire and his passion for God will never fade, even the slightest bit. i hope and pray with everything i am that mark will continue to search God. to thirst for Him. to never be content in where he is at. to always want to know more. mark doesn't know this but sometimes when we're hanging out or riding in the car, i'm praying to God for him. sometimes i'll squeeze his hand only to hint at him that i'm praying for him. i hope he gets that.
this may have been the longest blog i've ever written. but i dont care. i hope this helped someone to want to become a woman of God or to want to know how to be one. i'll do the best i can to help but remember i'm learning too. please, please please be praying for this retreat in february. i'm so very excited to be going to folly beach with my favorite high school girls. they're all amazing and i thank God for them every day.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
i need You to love me
Why are You still here with me? Didn't You see what I've done? In my shame I want to run and hide myself there. But its here I see the truth, I don't deserve You.
But I need You to love me. And I won't keep my heart from You this time. I'll stop this pretending that I can somehow deserve what I already have. I need You to love me.
I have wasted so much time pushing You away from me. I just never saw how You could cherish me because You're a God who has all things and still You want me.
I need You to love me. I won't keep my heart from You this time. I'll stop this pretending that I can somehow deserve what I already have.
Your love makes me forget what I have been. Your love makes me see who I really am. Your love makes me forget what I have been.
I need You to love me. I'll stop this pretending that I can somehow deserve what I already have. I need You to love me.
-BG
"But You are a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love..." Nehemiah 9:17
"Nothing can hinder the Lord from saving, whether by many or by few." 1 Samuel 14:6
"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." Romans 8:18
"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9
"For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to Him." 2 Chronicles 16:9
"My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to Your word." Psalm 119:28
"Strengthen the feeble hands, steady the knees that give way. Say to those with fearful hearts, 'Be strong. Do not fear. Your God will come, He will come with vengeance, with divine retribution. He will come to save you." Isaiah 35:3
"So do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
But I need You to love me. And I won't keep my heart from You this time. I'll stop this pretending that I can somehow deserve what I already have. I need You to love me.
I have wasted so much time pushing You away from me. I just never saw how You could cherish me because You're a God who has all things and still You want me.
I need You to love me. I won't keep my heart from You this time. I'll stop this pretending that I can somehow deserve what I already have.
Your love makes me forget what I have been. Your love makes me see who I really am. Your love makes me forget what I have been.
I need You to love me. I'll stop this pretending that I can somehow deserve what I already have. I need You to love me.
-BG
"But You are a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love..." Nehemiah 9:17
"Nothing can hinder the Lord from saving, whether by many or by few." 1 Samuel 14:6
"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." Romans 8:18
"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9
"For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to Him." 2 Chronicles 16:9
"My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to Your word." Psalm 119:28
"Strengthen the feeble hands, steady the knees that give way. Say to those with fearful hearts, 'Be strong. Do not fear. Your God will come, He will come with vengeance, with divine retribution. He will come to save you." Isaiah 35:3
"So do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
Thursday, January 10, 2008
oh the name of Jesus.
4 years.
4 years of praying. tears. reading. researching. more praying. more tears. more praying. finally i'm going. i'm going to Kenya. i leave June 8 and will return to the States on June 19. i have never been more excited but mostly scared out of my mind. absolutely terrified. to the point of tears.
"Father, please forgive me for I cannot compose the fear that lives within me or the rate at which it grows. Struggle has a purpose on the narrow road you've carved Why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar? Do they see the fear in my eyes? Are they so revealing? This time I cannot disguise all the doubt I'm feeling..." "what if i stumble?" - dc talk
yes that is dc talk. and i still listen to them. those few lines are my exact feelings right now. what if i stumble? what i don't get through to those who need to hear the good news? what if i arrive and i see the pain and the sorrow in their eyes and i freeze because i feel uncapable? unprepared? unworthy? what if i get to Kenya and my fear comes to rule me and i become silent? what if i don't express the message of Christ's love enough? too many what ifs...
i've known for 4 years that God was calling me...no He was making it absolutely clear to me that He wants me in Kenya. funny thing is He began to soften my heart for this aching country through a Marie Claire magazine. God surely does work in mysterious ways. i truly am excited about going but my fear and my nerves have become to wear me down. i refuse to let this happen. i cannot let this happen. i refuse to let myself grow silent. to let my excitement and my fire die. these past 4 years of growing and learning have been worth it. my dad reminded me this past weekend that sometimes the journey is really when you learn the most, not even on the actual trip that you've been preparing for. i may arrive in Kenya and realize that i am not called to work here but it was actually the growing and learning from God that has brought me to the place where i am.
tonight while riding in mark's car, i began to listen intensely to the words of "How Wonderful" by Leeland. at one part, Leeland sings "oh the name of Jesus..." over and over again. a calmness and peace swept me away. i heard God whisper "i love you. i love you. i love you." just by hearing this one part of the song, the name of Jesus brought a peace and helped to rekindle my fire. it amazes me that just by saying this holy name brings comfort to me. that is how powerful, how mind blowing Christ's love is. i felt mark's hand holding tight to mine and i realized that God was still holding my hand but stronger and tighter than anyone else could. He's never let go. even in my fear. in my doubt. in my stupid thoughts of stumbling...He has not let go of my hand. sometimes i think mark knows when i'm not in a good mood or when something is weighing on my mind, he always seems to grab hold of my hand at the perfect time. i believe this is God's way of me physically feeling His hand in mine. thank You God for mark and for what You've done in our lives.
i'm not saying my fear has subsided. or my thoughts of failure have been silenced. this is only the beginning. satan is going to do everything he can to tear me away and to dampen my fire for Kenya. i know God and the strength He provides is stronger than any fear or thought of failure but i am human. i am not completely fearless. i hope and pray that over the next few months i will learn to be. i want to arrive in Kenya completely on fire and unable to be silenced. i thank God for people like mark who listen to me and remind me that its okay to be scared as long as my faith and trust is in God. i know my trip will be amazing. my eyes will be opened. my ears will hear the stories that are told by the eyes of the ones i will meet. i will be moved in a way that i can find nowhere else. i'm scared but willing. i am hard pressed on every side but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair; persecuted but not abandoned; struck down but not destroyed. i am ready. scared out of my mind. absolutely terrified. but ready.
I hear you whispering my name ..."My love for you will never change"
oh the name of Jesus...
4 years of praying. tears. reading. researching. more praying. more tears. more praying. finally i'm going. i'm going to Kenya. i leave June 8 and will return to the States on June 19. i have never been more excited but mostly scared out of my mind. absolutely terrified. to the point of tears.
"Father, please forgive me for I cannot compose the fear that lives within me or the rate at which it grows. Struggle has a purpose on the narrow road you've carved Why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar? Do they see the fear in my eyes? Are they so revealing? This time I cannot disguise all the doubt I'm feeling..." "what if i stumble?" - dc talk
yes that is dc talk. and i still listen to them. those few lines are my exact feelings right now. what if i stumble? what i don't get through to those who need to hear the good news? what if i arrive and i see the pain and the sorrow in their eyes and i freeze because i feel uncapable? unprepared? unworthy? what if i get to Kenya and my fear comes to rule me and i become silent? what if i don't express the message of Christ's love enough? too many what ifs...
i've known for 4 years that God was calling me...no He was making it absolutely clear to me that He wants me in Kenya. funny thing is He began to soften my heart for this aching country through a Marie Claire magazine. God surely does work in mysterious ways. i truly am excited about going but my fear and my nerves have become to wear me down. i refuse to let this happen. i cannot let this happen. i refuse to let myself grow silent. to let my excitement and my fire die. these past 4 years of growing and learning have been worth it. my dad reminded me this past weekend that sometimes the journey is really when you learn the most, not even on the actual trip that you've been preparing for. i may arrive in Kenya and realize that i am not called to work here but it was actually the growing and learning from God that has brought me to the place where i am.
tonight while riding in mark's car, i began to listen intensely to the words of "How Wonderful" by Leeland. at one part, Leeland sings "oh the name of Jesus..." over and over again. a calmness and peace swept me away. i heard God whisper "i love you. i love you. i love you." just by hearing this one part of the song, the name of Jesus brought a peace and helped to rekindle my fire. it amazes me that just by saying this holy name brings comfort to me. that is how powerful, how mind blowing Christ's love is. i felt mark's hand holding tight to mine and i realized that God was still holding my hand but stronger and tighter than anyone else could. He's never let go. even in my fear. in my doubt. in my stupid thoughts of stumbling...He has not let go of my hand. sometimes i think mark knows when i'm not in a good mood or when something is weighing on my mind, he always seems to grab hold of my hand at the perfect time. i believe this is God's way of me physically feeling His hand in mine. thank You God for mark and for what You've done in our lives.
i'm not saying my fear has subsided. or my thoughts of failure have been silenced. this is only the beginning. satan is going to do everything he can to tear me away and to dampen my fire for Kenya. i know God and the strength He provides is stronger than any fear or thought of failure but i am human. i am not completely fearless. i hope and pray that over the next few months i will learn to be. i want to arrive in Kenya completely on fire and unable to be silenced. i thank God for people like mark who listen to me and remind me that its okay to be scared as long as my faith and trust is in God. i know my trip will be amazing. my eyes will be opened. my ears will hear the stories that are told by the eyes of the ones i will meet. i will be moved in a way that i can find nowhere else. i'm scared but willing. i am hard pressed on every side but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair; persecuted but not abandoned; struck down but not destroyed. i am ready. scared out of my mind. absolutely terrified. but ready.
I hear you whispering my name ..."My love for you will never change"
oh the name of Jesus...
Sunday, January 6, 2008
you belong to Me
blessed -divinely or supremely favored; fortunate; blissfully happy or contented.
this definition, provided by dictionary.com thank you very much, fits me perfectly. i am blessed. blessed beyond words. beyond emotion. my smile and tears of joy do not even come to close to what i feel. as i sit here with my piece of pizza, tall glass of sweet lemonade and my new favorite cd playing in the background (Sara Bareilles "Little Voice" go buy it or go home.), i realize that my blessings have only begun. this is only the beginning.
"Jabez called out to the God of Israel, 'Oh that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let Your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain.' And God granted his request..." 1 Chronicles 4:10
before one can recieve the blessings, one must surrender. surrender and give up control of your life. your life is not yours to call your own. your life is God's to use to share His love and to bring glory to His name. but you must surrender to Him and His love for you. and with surrender comes the blessings. God rewards those who take positive daily steps in His direction. december 7th 2007, while driving home, i threw myself a pity party because i though this Christmas break was going to suck. no...more than just suck. i was going to be completely away from my best friend, from my other half. it was going to be nothing more than a miserable holiday, that for once in my life, i wasn't in the mood for. but two days later, i cried out to God in my car. i hated the fact that i had only been home for two days and i was already miserable. i was scared. so scared and confused. i had never been that way. when i had problems with a guy, i never held on. i let go because it wasn't worth my time. but now i had held on for all i had in me. something was different. i was being held without chains.
finally through the tears i cried, i surrendered everything to God, asking Him to take complete control of me. to show me what he wants for me. separate from all relationships i have. i want to know His love song for me. i want to know His plan for me. i need to know this. it is vital in order for me to survive in this world. so by the grace of God, all my miserable thoughts were cleared away. the rain had finally come to a stop and the blessings began. the right doors were open once i completely surrendered control. on my own, away from my best friend, i had to grow.
grace is free. salvation is free. spritual growth is not.
weeks later on December 21, part of God's plan for my life was revealed to me. on december 27th, i recieved the best Christmas present i could ever ask for. after 4 months of prayer and faith, my best friend and i finally recieved God's blessing to be together. it sounds so silly but i became a girlfriend. i have a boyfriend who still leaves me speechless with his reckless love and faith in Christ.*and trust me. if you're laughing i really don't care. because 1. im laughing at myself. and 2. i'll be laughing when you realize your boyfriend is extremely lame when it comes to mine. there is no comparison to him*
since that day, it has been nothing but a blessing. a blessing to wake up in the morning and know, without a doubt, that i am loved. loved in a way i thought i had before, but that was not love. that was far from it. now i am in loved in a way so deep and so passionate that i could never trade it for anything in this world. i know that when my world is a mess and to steal a quote from The Fray, "when my city spins around" i know who i can run to. i have someone who will hold me in his arms and reassure me that i am okay. that God is in control. i am constantly encouraged in my daily walk with Christ and i am loved for me. for what i am. for what i was created by God to be. it feels so good. to know that i was created for someone. that i now belong with someone. i am his and he is mine.
but all the more...i am still me. i thank God with all that i am that i have someone who has not let me lose sight of what i am. mom and i talked today about how sometimes in a relationship, one person is lost in the shadow of another and they are forgotten. i praise God that this will never happen to me. i will not be lost in the shadow. my other half has only helped me to further pursue God's will for my life, apart from our life together. i can create my own shadow where i pray to God no one will ever stand. i refuse to let that happen. although i know who i belong with, i know who i belong to. i am child of the King. i belong to Him. no one else will ever have my love. my fire. my passion for my King. He has rescued me over and over again. when things are not going right, when i feel all the world is against me, i can hold on to the knowledge that i am rescued. that i am saved by grace. i hear God quietly whisper "you belong to Me." praise God. praise God with all that i am and with all that is in me. i belong to Him.
"Into Your hands, I commit my spirit. Redeem me, O Lord, the God of truth...You have not handed me over to the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place." Psalm 31:5 &8
this definition, provided by dictionary.com thank you very much, fits me perfectly. i am blessed. blessed beyond words. beyond emotion. my smile and tears of joy do not even come to close to what i feel. as i sit here with my piece of pizza, tall glass of sweet lemonade and my new favorite cd playing in the background (Sara Bareilles "Little Voice" go buy it or go home.), i realize that my blessings have only begun. this is only the beginning.
"Jabez called out to the God of Israel, 'Oh that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let Your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain.' And God granted his request..." 1 Chronicles 4:10
before one can recieve the blessings, one must surrender. surrender and give up control of your life. your life is not yours to call your own. your life is God's to use to share His love and to bring glory to His name. but you must surrender to Him and His love for you. and with surrender comes the blessings. God rewards those who take positive daily steps in His direction. december 7th 2007, while driving home, i threw myself a pity party because i though this Christmas break was going to suck. no...more than just suck. i was going to be completely away from my best friend, from my other half. it was going to be nothing more than a miserable holiday, that for once in my life, i wasn't in the mood for. but two days later, i cried out to God in my car. i hated the fact that i had only been home for two days and i was already miserable. i was scared. so scared and confused. i had never been that way. when i had problems with a guy, i never held on. i let go because it wasn't worth my time. but now i had held on for all i had in me. something was different. i was being held without chains.
finally through the tears i cried, i surrendered everything to God, asking Him to take complete control of me. to show me what he wants for me. separate from all relationships i have. i want to know His love song for me. i want to know His plan for me. i need to know this. it is vital in order for me to survive in this world. so by the grace of God, all my miserable thoughts were cleared away. the rain had finally come to a stop and the blessings began. the right doors were open once i completely surrendered control. on my own, away from my best friend, i had to grow.
grace is free. salvation is free. spritual growth is not.
weeks later on December 21, part of God's plan for my life was revealed to me. on december 27th, i recieved the best Christmas present i could ever ask for. after 4 months of prayer and faith, my best friend and i finally recieved God's blessing to be together. it sounds so silly but i became a girlfriend. i have a boyfriend who still leaves me speechless with his reckless love and faith in Christ.*and trust me. if you're laughing i really don't care. because 1. im laughing at myself. and 2. i'll be laughing when you realize your boyfriend is extremely lame when it comes to mine. there is no comparison to him*
since that day, it has been nothing but a blessing. a blessing to wake up in the morning and know, without a doubt, that i am loved. loved in a way i thought i had before, but that was not love. that was far from it. now i am in loved in a way so deep and so passionate that i could never trade it for anything in this world. i know that when my world is a mess and to steal a quote from The Fray, "when my city spins around" i know who i can run to. i have someone who will hold me in his arms and reassure me that i am okay. that God is in control. i am constantly encouraged in my daily walk with Christ and i am loved for me. for what i am. for what i was created by God to be. it feels so good. to know that i was created for someone. that i now belong with someone. i am his and he is mine.
but all the more...i am still me. i thank God with all that i am that i have someone who has not let me lose sight of what i am. mom and i talked today about how sometimes in a relationship, one person is lost in the shadow of another and they are forgotten. i praise God that this will never happen to me. i will not be lost in the shadow. my other half has only helped me to further pursue God's will for my life, apart from our life together. i can create my own shadow where i pray to God no one will ever stand. i refuse to let that happen. although i know who i belong with, i know who i belong to. i am child of the King. i belong to Him. no one else will ever have my love. my fire. my passion for my King. He has rescued me over and over again. when things are not going right, when i feel all the world is against me, i can hold on to the knowledge that i am rescued. that i am saved by grace. i hear God quietly whisper "you belong to Me." praise God. praise God with all that i am and with all that is in me. i belong to Him.
"Into Your hands, I commit my spirit. Redeem me, O Lord, the God of truth...You have not handed me over to the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place." Psalm 31:5 &8
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