"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2
today was my church's 7th annual "Stabs of Joy" service where Pastor Harling allows the congregation to share the times in the past year where God has moved them and given them joy. i thought about standing up to share mine but realized even if i tried, i wouldn't be able to make it through without crying. so i decided i could share mine here where it doesnt matter if i cry. you won't see me but only read my words.
my first two stabs of joy are from the same family. kaylee grace and analise faith. i have been blessed to babysit these two beautiful girls every day during summer and Christmas break. these girls teach me new things every day, from patience to the new games to play at school. but i need to explain why they are my daily stabs of joy.
kaylee grace, who is 6 now, was diagnosed a few years ago with a developmental delay in speech. at the age of 3, kaylee was still using grunts and noises to communicate. by the age of 4, she still had not begun to talk in full sentences but only used single words or just a few worded sentence to get her point across. finally at the age of 5, kaylee began talking like normal. and now that she has finally opened her mouth, she is never quiet. sometimes i have to admit, it drives me crazy, but God reminds me that just a year ago, kaylee wasn't talking. now i love to hear her talk to me. sometimes i beg her to tell me about her day at school or some new friends she met on the playground. i love the fact that she screams my name everytime she sees me. like the other night i walked into the gym where our youth group meets and kaylee was inside with her dad. i didnt even get through the door without her running up to me, screaming my name and jumping into my outstretched arms. my favorite thing to talk about with kaylee is her love for Jesus. i catch her singing "Jesus Loves Me" all the time. i love hearing her sing to Veggietales or praise songs like "Here I am To Worship." whenever i hear her sing, i immediately thank God for the blessing of having kaylee in my life. she is truly a miracle child.
"He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God..." Psalm 40:3
and now analise faith. analise is two and acts as though she's older than kaylee. my sweet, sweet lisie...this child is absolutely hysterical. i can only hope and pray that i have a little girl as funny as she is. but analise surprised me the other day. she's learning to talk and sometimes she'll repeat what i say. i've even taught her what certain animals say. that may be one of the funniest things she does. but anyways, after their bathtime the other night, i had analise in her room changing her into her pajamas. i had the Hillsong United's "Solution" stuck in my head and i started singing the part that says "Whoa-ah oh, God be the solution". and lisie started singing it back to me. then we both were singing at the top of our lungs. it reminded me of having a child-like faith. the innocence of a child can teach an adult such amazing things. kaylee and analise trust and depend on me for most of their things during the day. and to see lisie singing a simple song she doesnt know only showed a preview to what i hope will be a strong Christian walk. i want so badly to sing along with God when i dont know whats going on. analise has such a caring heart and somehow she knows when i've had a rough day. when i arrived at their house monday morning, i wasn't in the best mood and i guess lisie understood that i wasn't too happy. as soon as i walked in the door, she ran to me and threw her arms around my neck. she never left my side the entire day. thank you God for this child and her sweet heart.
"And He said, 'I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of Heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of Heaven." Matthew 18:3
my next stab of joy will definitely bring tears to my eyes. this person has shown me faith in ways i've never seen before. i know he was placed in my life for a reason.
on october 20th, of this year, i received one of the worst phone calls of my life. i hope and pray i won't ever get a call like this again. as i answered my phone with an excited "hey you!" my best friend's voice was filled with sorrow and pain. he simply said my name and by his tone i knew something was terribly wrong. as i asked what had happened, he said my name again and then told me the terrible news that his father had died. i hit the floor in my hallway and started crying. i asked him how and he could barely get it out. i'll never forget the sound of his voice as he asked me over and over again "what am i going to do?" to be honest, i had no clue. the sound of him sobbing is played in my head on the daily. as we hung up the phone, i stayed on my knees, with my face to the floor and cried out to God. i was angry. i was confused. why did this happen? my best friend's father as an amazing man who truly loved God with everything in him. why? my best friend did not deserve to feel pain like this. i didn't understand why. it was at this time, i realized i needed to call my parents and tell them. i cried to my mom and begged her to tell me how i was supposed to help my best friend during this time. she assured me over and over again that God would grant me the words, the encouragement and the perfect timing that would be needed to minister to my friend. the next few days were a blur all except the day of the funeral.
october 23rd, the day of the funeral. the day that i saw God's hands in a way i can hardly describe. there were tons of people at the funeral. my other friend and i were seated in the overflow room where we watched the funeral on a screen. there we watched as my best friend, only by the grace and strength of God, stood before the congregation and spoke of the love and life of his father. later on in the funeral, the band played "How Great Is Our God" and it was during this song that i witnessed true faith and trust in God. as the song played, the cameras moved throughout the congregation and finally came to rest on the most amazing thing i've ever seen - my best friend's raised hands. he was singing and praising God with everything he had. tears streamed down my face and i began thanking God for everything i have been blessed with. especially being blessed with a friend who was so passionately in love with Him. i will never forget what i saw that day. that holy moment, that humbling scene, will stay with me for the rest of my life. that is true faith and trust to me.
my best friend will never know how much he means to me. my heart still literally aches for him every day. he has experienced pain and sorrow that i cannot begin to imagine. but yet throughout this time, he has taught me what faith really is. he has shown me how to be fearless for Christ. he points me constantly in the way of Christ and expects nothing less for me than to carry out the will of God for my life. for that, im thankful to be blessed with him in my life. he is my stab of joy.
"I will praise Your Name for Your Love and Your Faithfulness, for You have exalted above all things Your Name and Your Word. When I called You, answered me. You have made me bold and stouthearted." Psalm 138:2-3
my last stab of joy is knowing that i am forgiven. i've made so many mistakes this past year but i know God's mercies are new and everleasting. He takes all of me; every stupid, rash, arrogant, sinful cell in my body. for that i truly know what grace is. i do not deserve the love of God. the inexplainable love that called an innocent, perfect man to give up His life willingly for me. me, the girl who makes mistakes every day. the girl who chooses to make her own decisions without letting God take control first. the girl who stumbles but truly wants to carry out God's will. what have i done to deserve a love like this? nothing. all i can offer is my life and my promise to give everything i am for the glory of God. my promise to carry the light of Christ to places where only darkness reigns. to put my life on the line just to show the love of God to someone. God i give You all of me. my heart is Yours.
"If You, O Lord, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with You there is forgiveness; therefore You are feared." Psalm 130:3-4
God, you have given me joy that i cannot explain. You wake me up every morning and fill my life with joy. i am blessed beyond words. beyond my wildest dreams. God i give you my life, my all, my everything. use me so that i may share this joy with those around me. let me become a light for You Father. let me fade so others can only see You and the joy that You provide. You, Father God, are my true stab of joy.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
joyborn
God moved me today like never before. i'm surprised i'm even able to write. i went over to the satellite campus with my dad today to hear some ladies from the church sing. dad had to be there to play piano for them and i also made him go with me to my doctor's appointment this morning.
two sidenotes on that:
1. while at the doctor's appointment, i had to get a shot. it hurt. a lot.
2. i pulled the pity card and made dad buy me starbucks afterwards. pumpkin spice frap = amazing.
anyways, while dad was playing piano, i kind of listened to these ladies sing the same ole christmas songs. but then they began to sing "oh holy night." i wanted to see how this one would go because of the high notes that were in the song and because its one of my favorites. but as these ladies began to sing, i started to listen in closely to the words.
"Fall on your knees. Oh, hear the angel voices..."
literally, i felt God move. its the most indescribable feeling i've ever had. and then it occurred to me. God, the Creator of the Universe, the Infinite One, the Great I AM, sent His Son to save me. WHY? the Prince of Heaven had arrived on earth. for me. something is radically wrong. Jesus Christ, my Lord, my Savior, the warrior of my soul has just been born. who am i that God would give up His son for me, a unworthy sinner? i began to go weak in the knees from the millions of thoughts that flowed from that one phrase in this song.
i wanted to fall to my knees. i should have gotten facedown to the floor and cried out to God. i began to think of the supernatural events that were taking place on that very night. angels filled the sky singing praise to God. demons ran in fear because they knew their days were numbered. the spiritual battle over our souls had just taken a drastic turn. God sent in His son, the One who would save us all. no more pain, no more sorrow, no more hurt because of this one child. this one child would be the Savior of the world. Praise God!
"and in His name, all oppression shall cease..."
i love that line. it just sounds so commanding. "And In His Name..." ah, i love it. it just cries out "nothing is impossible for God. absolutely nothing so don't even try."
i'm beginning to lose words for my feelings about today. there's only so much i can say and then i become speechless and in awe. i still cannot comprehend everything that happened on that holy night. the other lines that really get me are...
"let all within us praise His Name forever. Christ is the Lord. Oh praise His name forever..."
it doesn't say halfway sing His praises. it doesn't say sway with the music. it says, it commands more like it, that with all that we are we are to praise Christ Jesus. everything else is meaningless. nothing else matters. for the rest of our lives, for all of eternity we are to praise Christ with everything we are. the passion that we feel should burn within us. we should be left completely poured out but yet filled again. comprende? probably not, but hopefully you understand what i mean. we are to present ourselves to God, completely pour out everything we are so that are left empty but yet satisfied. no not satisfied because we are never to be satisfied in our walk. then we'll settle and be content.
God is enough for us. we are not enough for God. but He takes all that we are anyways.
sorry i know i got off track, but the words kept coming. my point in this blog was it blows my mind that God can use something like hearing a christmas song that i've heard millions of times before and turn it into a moving and powerful moment that i will never forget. praise God. with all that i am, praise God.
so the next time you hear a Christmas song that talks about the birth of Jesus, really listen to it. fall on your knees even and praise His holy name.
"His power and glory evermore proclaim..."
two sidenotes on that:
1. while at the doctor's appointment, i had to get a shot. it hurt. a lot.
2. i pulled the pity card and made dad buy me starbucks afterwards. pumpkin spice frap = amazing.
anyways, while dad was playing piano, i kind of listened to these ladies sing the same ole christmas songs. but then they began to sing "oh holy night." i wanted to see how this one would go because of the high notes that were in the song and because its one of my favorites. but as these ladies began to sing, i started to listen in closely to the words.
"Fall on your knees. Oh, hear the angel voices..."
literally, i felt God move. its the most indescribable feeling i've ever had. and then it occurred to me. God, the Creator of the Universe, the Infinite One, the Great I AM, sent His Son to save me. WHY? the Prince of Heaven had arrived on earth. for me. something is radically wrong. Jesus Christ, my Lord, my Savior, the warrior of my soul has just been born. who am i that God would give up His son for me, a unworthy sinner? i began to go weak in the knees from the millions of thoughts that flowed from that one phrase in this song.
i wanted to fall to my knees. i should have gotten facedown to the floor and cried out to God. i began to think of the supernatural events that were taking place on that very night. angels filled the sky singing praise to God. demons ran in fear because they knew their days were numbered. the spiritual battle over our souls had just taken a drastic turn. God sent in His son, the One who would save us all. no more pain, no more sorrow, no more hurt because of this one child. this one child would be the Savior of the world. Praise God!
"and in His name, all oppression shall cease..."
i love that line. it just sounds so commanding. "And In His Name..." ah, i love it. it just cries out "nothing is impossible for God. absolutely nothing so don't even try."
i'm beginning to lose words for my feelings about today. there's only so much i can say and then i become speechless and in awe. i still cannot comprehend everything that happened on that holy night. the other lines that really get me are...
"let all within us praise His Name forever. Christ is the Lord. Oh praise His name forever..."
it doesn't say halfway sing His praises. it doesn't say sway with the music. it says, it commands more like it, that with all that we are we are to praise Christ Jesus. everything else is meaningless. nothing else matters. for the rest of our lives, for all of eternity we are to praise Christ with everything we are. the passion that we feel should burn within us. we should be left completely poured out but yet filled again. comprende? probably not, but hopefully you understand what i mean. we are to present ourselves to God, completely pour out everything we are so that are left empty but yet satisfied. no not satisfied because we are never to be satisfied in our walk. then we'll settle and be content.
God is enough for us. we are not enough for God. but He takes all that we are anyways.
sorry i know i got off track, but the words kept coming. my point in this blog was it blows my mind that God can use something like hearing a christmas song that i've heard millions of times before and turn it into a moving and powerful moment that i will never forget. praise God. with all that i am, praise God.
so the next time you hear a Christmas song that talks about the birth of Jesus, really listen to it. fall on your knees even and praise His holy name.
"His power and glory evermore proclaim..."
Monday, December 3, 2007
sparks
i hate fighting with you.
i hate the fact that we both know what we want but we let everything else get in the way. we've been stuck like this for months now. we both make promises of changing and yet we're still the same. i'm sick and tired of this. i hate crying about us. i hate laying in bed for hours, thinking of nothing but you and me and how we're playing games. i hate the fact that i run so much, hoping to get you off my mind but it only makes things worse. i havent been running in weeks. i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.
"So roll the windows down
and put the car in drive.
It's starting to rain a little bit outside
and I've had you on my mind for some time.
Why did you go?
Why did you leave?
I can't forget about you and me
But now I'm letting go."
- Sequoyah Prep School
you know good and well that i want to be with you. i know you want to be with me. but what is the problem? i'm not angry. i'm not bitter. i just want to know. things aren't getting easier and they won't for a long time. we're human. we make mistakes. i am not perfect. neither are you. i will make more mistakes. you will still say things you don't mean when you're angry at me. you'll make mistakes too. i'll be upset and probably cry and refuse to talk to you until you come around. we'll get mad. we'll yell. yet again, we're human. we both have hurt each other in so many ways. we've both said a lot of hurtful things. why do we keep reminding ourselves of what each other did wrong?
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
yeah i used that verse. i pulled that card. it needed to be brought up. we're good together. you are my absolute best friend and i know i can count on you for anything. you are the only one who is actually honest with me. you aren't afraid to hurt my feelings which surprisingly, is kind of attractive. no you aren't mean to me but if i need to hear the truth, you're the one who'll let me in on it. thank you.
but i'm not asking for anything right now. you cannot give me that. I KNOW. I KNOW. I KNOW. its okay. i can't offer you anything except my promise to be there like i have been before. my heart has some healing to do as well. some things we've said have hurt me more than you could know. i'm learning about patience. God has taught me so much about patience. patience for you. patience for me. but especially about being patient with Him. i wish God could let me know every morning what i'd be doing that day. who i'll meet. what i'll say. what mistakes i'll make. but obviously, that can't happen. it's all a part of life.
you and i have got to figure out what's going to happen. i dont want to leave but i have to ask; if i told you i was done, what would you do? would you let me leave? or would you try and convince me to stay? i hope you'd ask me to stay. and not just because you need me as your best friend. i asked you before what you would say if i left. you said you'd miss me and that you needed me in your life because im your best friend. is that all i'll ever be? i want to turn and walk away so bad but something is still holding me back. maybe its hope. hope that you and i will actually have a chance to be together. i'm not saying i'm done. i'm not ready to give up yet. but i'm drained. and i need you to be my strength right now. i've been yours for the past few months and now i need it just as much. i know you're weak but we have to learn to rely on each other. we have to help each other.
"I am running out of patience.
It seems that we have run out of time.
But its another fight for another night
to get you off my mind.
And I'm thining that I should walk away...
Fussing and fighting and crying,
I've had enough.
And I'm leaving.
But maybe if I stay and choose not to walk away,
we could last for one more day.
But the catch is you know,
that I can't let you go.
Through the good times and the bad times...
You can lay down on my shoulder if you want to.
If you fall, you won't fall far
cause I'll catch you.
And even when it rains,
I'll be there just the same.
My whole life has changed since I met you."
- Sequoyah Prep School
the truth is, i want to be angry. i want to yell and scream at you about everything. there are so many things that i've thought of to say. satan has definitely reminded me of the cruel things we've done to each other. i am so tempted to remind you of every one of them. i want to be bitter to you so then i wouldn't think of how much this hurts. but if i'm angry or bitter that means i shut you out. i lose you period. no more being best friends. i can't do that. i can't shut you out. yes, i admit it, i need you in my life whether its best friends or more. i wish it were more but i cannot and will not ask of that now. its not fair to you or me. i've been here for months. i've been patient. i've had your back everytime, day and night. you told me that at the end of everything, you know i'd still be here. but now, i've got to tell you- please decide if you want me to stay. if i stay then i'm afraid that this will happen again in a few months or even weeks. one time you said that you wished i would do something to make you realize that you could really lose me because you felt you could do anything to me and i'd still be here. i wish you would realize that you could lose me without me having to do anything. its the effort that i'm asking for. if you want me to stay, then show me. i'd stay as long as i could have some kind of promise that you wouldn't forget me. if you were finally healed, then i'd be the first to know. i cannot guarantee if you let me walk then i'd be able to be friends with you. at least not yet. it would be too painful for me to look you in the eye and tell you i was fine.
i'm good at pretending but after a while everything would come to the surface and you'd know the truth. the truth that i wouldn't be fine. the truth that every song on my iPod still had something to do with you. that everything in my room still reminded me of you. that i still had every note, card and flower that you'd given me. the truth that i looked for you around campus, hoping to just "accidentally" bump into you. that i hoped you missed me. or i hoped you thought about me when you heard a song and it made you want to call. obviously, i'd be holding out for you. hoping you'd call me and say that you want to be with me. that it would be you and me. no more back and forth. no more changing our minds every other week. i can't promise i wouldn't secretly hold out for you.
"As long as the day is full of time, there will always be room for your hand in mine..." - Brandi Carlile
i know you care about me. i know. i can tell by the way you talk to me or when i catch you looking at me. (yes i catch you doing that. and i love it.) i can tell you have feelings for me when you laugh or when you are really listening to what i have to say. i can tell when your eyes light up when im telling something exciting that happened to me. of if i need you to pray for me, you do it. or you celebrate with me when i call to tell you about something with my youth kids. i know how you feel when you throw your arms around me and hug me like we haven't seen each other in years when its only been an hour. i can tell. so don't ever think i never knew.
you told me once that you were afraid i didn't "get" you. you're a complex person. you wanted me to just "know" when you were upset. but how can i if i dont have the slightest clue? you're an extremely strong person. its okay to be weak. its okay to cry. its okay to want to be held. i want you to want me to be the one who holds you when you're upset. i want to be that person. God alone can fix you, but i want to be used by Him to fix you. you and i both know about being back and forth. i've got some healing to do as well but i want you to know that i want to be with you. no one else. you are everything i want and need. you know me and you understand me. you get me. thats why its so hard for me to let go. you understand what im saying when i dont make sense at all, not even to myself. you encourage me and point me to Christ. you have made me brave. i remember one conversation we had about me being nervous about going to kenya and uganda. i told you how dangerous it was over there for a Christian and you told me that you want to die for Christ. i told you i was scared of doing that. you have helped to make me fearless. i'm no longer scared about going into unknown territory but i cannot wait to be out of my comfort zone. you are the reason for that.
the one thing i hate is when we talk about "what if we don't work out." i hate that more than you know. but i have to say this...i don't know whats going to happen with us. but you need to know that if things don't work out the way we want them to, then i will be fine. it will be so hard for me at first. i am strong enough to get over you. i know i can do it. i dont want to shut you out and i promise i'll do my best not to. i know you don't know what's going to happen with us. and that is comforting. because of that i know that you are struggling with this just as much as i am. you've got that "i don't care, chill out" attitude that you know i can't stand sometimes. but to know that this tears you up just as much as it kills me, it helps.
i'm sorry for the mistakes i made. i'm sorry for the wrong things i said. i'm sorry for possibly pushing something neither of us were ready for. you know my heart and you know my intentions. all i can hope is that you will show me yours. prove to me what you want. thats all i ask.
"so pick me. choose me. love me." - Grey's Anatomy
i wish we knew what was going to happen with us. i want to be with you. the only thing i can promise you know is to be here like i have been before, but better than before. i'm here. i'm not going anywhere. but i need you to realize that i could leave. this should make you realize that you need to prove to me you dont want me to go. you could lose me. i dont need to do anything at all for you to realize that. you need to know that on your own.
i hate the fact that we both know what we want but we let everything else get in the way. we've been stuck like this for months now. we both make promises of changing and yet we're still the same. i'm sick and tired of this. i hate crying about us. i hate laying in bed for hours, thinking of nothing but you and me and how we're playing games. i hate the fact that i run so much, hoping to get you off my mind but it only makes things worse. i havent been running in weeks. i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.
"So roll the windows down
and put the car in drive.
It's starting to rain a little bit outside
and I've had you on my mind for some time.
Why did you go?
Why did you leave?
I can't forget about you and me
But now I'm letting go."
- Sequoyah Prep School
you know good and well that i want to be with you. i know you want to be with me. but what is the problem? i'm not angry. i'm not bitter. i just want to know. things aren't getting easier and they won't for a long time. we're human. we make mistakes. i am not perfect. neither are you. i will make more mistakes. you will still say things you don't mean when you're angry at me. you'll make mistakes too. i'll be upset and probably cry and refuse to talk to you until you come around. we'll get mad. we'll yell. yet again, we're human. we both have hurt each other in so many ways. we've both said a lot of hurtful things. why do we keep reminding ourselves of what each other did wrong?
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
yeah i used that verse. i pulled that card. it needed to be brought up. we're good together. you are my absolute best friend and i know i can count on you for anything. you are the only one who is actually honest with me. you aren't afraid to hurt my feelings which surprisingly, is kind of attractive. no you aren't mean to me but if i need to hear the truth, you're the one who'll let me in on it. thank you.
but i'm not asking for anything right now. you cannot give me that. I KNOW. I KNOW. I KNOW. its okay. i can't offer you anything except my promise to be there like i have been before. my heart has some healing to do as well. some things we've said have hurt me more than you could know. i'm learning about patience. God has taught me so much about patience. patience for you. patience for me. but especially about being patient with Him. i wish God could let me know every morning what i'd be doing that day. who i'll meet. what i'll say. what mistakes i'll make. but obviously, that can't happen. it's all a part of life.
you and i have got to figure out what's going to happen. i dont want to leave but i have to ask; if i told you i was done, what would you do? would you let me leave? or would you try and convince me to stay? i hope you'd ask me to stay. and not just because you need me as your best friend. i asked you before what you would say if i left. you said you'd miss me and that you needed me in your life because im your best friend. is that all i'll ever be? i want to turn and walk away so bad but something is still holding me back. maybe its hope. hope that you and i will actually have a chance to be together. i'm not saying i'm done. i'm not ready to give up yet. but i'm drained. and i need you to be my strength right now. i've been yours for the past few months and now i need it just as much. i know you're weak but we have to learn to rely on each other. we have to help each other.
"I am running out of patience.
It seems that we have run out of time.
But its another fight for another night
to get you off my mind.
And I'm thining that I should walk away...
Fussing and fighting and crying,
I've had enough.
And I'm leaving.
But maybe if I stay and choose not to walk away,
we could last for one more day.
But the catch is you know,
that I can't let you go.
Through the good times and the bad times...
You can lay down on my shoulder if you want to.
If you fall, you won't fall far
cause I'll catch you.
And even when it rains,
I'll be there just the same.
My whole life has changed since I met you."
- Sequoyah Prep School
the truth is, i want to be angry. i want to yell and scream at you about everything. there are so many things that i've thought of to say. satan has definitely reminded me of the cruel things we've done to each other. i am so tempted to remind you of every one of them. i want to be bitter to you so then i wouldn't think of how much this hurts. but if i'm angry or bitter that means i shut you out. i lose you period. no more being best friends. i can't do that. i can't shut you out. yes, i admit it, i need you in my life whether its best friends or more. i wish it were more but i cannot and will not ask of that now. its not fair to you or me. i've been here for months. i've been patient. i've had your back everytime, day and night. you told me that at the end of everything, you know i'd still be here. but now, i've got to tell you- please decide if you want me to stay. if i stay then i'm afraid that this will happen again in a few months or even weeks. one time you said that you wished i would do something to make you realize that you could really lose me because you felt you could do anything to me and i'd still be here. i wish you would realize that you could lose me without me having to do anything. its the effort that i'm asking for. if you want me to stay, then show me. i'd stay as long as i could have some kind of promise that you wouldn't forget me. if you were finally healed, then i'd be the first to know. i cannot guarantee if you let me walk then i'd be able to be friends with you. at least not yet. it would be too painful for me to look you in the eye and tell you i was fine.
i'm good at pretending but after a while everything would come to the surface and you'd know the truth. the truth that i wouldn't be fine. the truth that every song on my iPod still had something to do with you. that everything in my room still reminded me of you. that i still had every note, card and flower that you'd given me. the truth that i looked for you around campus, hoping to just "accidentally" bump into you. that i hoped you missed me. or i hoped you thought about me when you heard a song and it made you want to call. obviously, i'd be holding out for you. hoping you'd call me and say that you want to be with me. that it would be you and me. no more back and forth. no more changing our minds every other week. i can't promise i wouldn't secretly hold out for you.
"As long as the day is full of time, there will always be room for your hand in mine..." - Brandi Carlile
i know you care about me. i know. i can tell by the way you talk to me or when i catch you looking at me. (yes i catch you doing that. and i love it.) i can tell you have feelings for me when you laugh or when you are really listening to what i have to say. i can tell when your eyes light up when im telling something exciting that happened to me. of if i need you to pray for me, you do it. or you celebrate with me when i call to tell you about something with my youth kids. i know how you feel when you throw your arms around me and hug me like we haven't seen each other in years when its only been an hour. i can tell. so don't ever think i never knew.
you told me once that you were afraid i didn't "get" you. you're a complex person. you wanted me to just "know" when you were upset. but how can i if i dont have the slightest clue? you're an extremely strong person. its okay to be weak. its okay to cry. its okay to want to be held. i want you to want me to be the one who holds you when you're upset. i want to be that person. God alone can fix you, but i want to be used by Him to fix you. you and i both know about being back and forth. i've got some healing to do as well but i want you to know that i want to be with you. no one else. you are everything i want and need. you know me and you understand me. you get me. thats why its so hard for me to let go. you understand what im saying when i dont make sense at all, not even to myself. you encourage me and point me to Christ. you have made me brave. i remember one conversation we had about me being nervous about going to kenya and uganda. i told you how dangerous it was over there for a Christian and you told me that you want to die for Christ. i told you i was scared of doing that. you have helped to make me fearless. i'm no longer scared about going into unknown territory but i cannot wait to be out of my comfort zone. you are the reason for that.
the one thing i hate is when we talk about "what if we don't work out." i hate that more than you know. but i have to say this...i don't know whats going to happen with us. but you need to know that if things don't work out the way we want them to, then i will be fine. it will be so hard for me at first. i am strong enough to get over you. i know i can do it. i dont want to shut you out and i promise i'll do my best not to. i know you don't know what's going to happen with us. and that is comforting. because of that i know that you are struggling with this just as much as i am. you've got that "i don't care, chill out" attitude that you know i can't stand sometimes. but to know that this tears you up just as much as it kills me, it helps.
i'm sorry for the mistakes i made. i'm sorry for the wrong things i said. i'm sorry for possibly pushing something neither of us were ready for. you know my heart and you know my intentions. all i can hope is that you will show me yours. prove to me what you want. thats all i ask.
"so pick me. choose me. love me." - Grey's Anatomy
i wish we knew what was going to happen with us. i want to be with you. the only thing i can promise you know is to be here like i have been before, but better than before. i'm here. i'm not going anywhere. but i need you to realize that i could leave. this should make you realize that you need to prove to me you dont want me to go. you could lose me. i dont need to do anything at all for you to realize that. you need to know that on your own.
Monday, November 26, 2007
impatience is my worst enemy
it's been absolutely forever since i've had the chance to write. i've realized i find serenity in writing. it helps to clear my head. although so many think if you write down your thoughts, you'll forget them. i think sometimes when i write down my thoughts, they only intensify. sometimes i feel a release, but many times writing is only a reminder. i'm only making my thoughts permanent by writing them down.
so why do i write? to be honest, i have no clue. i have my journal that i've let only three people look through. i've been writing in it for a little over a year now. it started out to be a random journal with my thoughts, doodles and letters to certain people. the first letter is quite long...i had some things to say to that person. God healed my heart and thankfully i don't need to say anything at all. but now my journal is full of my dreams, my passions, ways God has revolutionized my heart. my favorite part of my journal is articles and pictures i've cut out over the period of three years. no one really knows why my heart aches for the faces in these pictures. God only knows...
three years ago while at the beach with my family, i ended up getting really really sick and had to spend a few days inside. i was bummed. extremely bummed. but being the little sister that i am, i stole some of my sister's magazines to read. i came across an article in marie claire that became the spark to fuel the fire that i have now. thank you megan for buying this issue of marie claire. this article was about women who have experienced things, many would not be strong enough to survive. one 13 year old girl hides her face behind a veil because her brother in law threw acid in her face. only 3/4ths of her face is recognizable. my heart literally broke. as i flipped through this article, i felt God move in a way that still gets to me today. my mom says He "nudged" my heart. this was only the beginning ...
the beach + my hilarious family + gorgeous weather + getting sick + 36 hours on the couch = best summer of my life.
now three years later, God has shown me my purpose. i was created only to serve Him. to carry His light to the ends of the earth. for the past three years, i have been praying for an opportunity to go to wherever He has called me. last summer, God made it clear where i was going. Kenya is my first trip. Uganda will be my next. in July 2008, i will hopefully be in Kenya. my journal is now filled with pictures of people, articles on courageous children in Uganda and numerous entries of my impatience to go. my best friend mary went to Kenya two summers ago. lucky...But she brought back pictures and stories. this only fueled the fire. but i feel helpless. impatience is my worst enemy. the pictures in my journal constantly come back to haunt me. these children need to know they are not alone. they must know there is a Savior. i cannot bear to think they live in a life of fear. it is evident in their eyes.
their eyes tell the stories we refuse to hear.
God forgive me for not listening before. forgive me for being so wrapped up in my life and refusing to listen to what actually matters. God forgive me for complaining. You have blessed me beyond my wildest dreams. what have i done to deserve it? how can i bring glory to Your Name? whatever i have, all that i am, everything, God...I give it to You. here i am Lord. send me.
i cannot wait.
i cannot wait to throw my arms around them. i want to hug every one of them. i cannot wait to hear the stories with my own ears. i cannot wait to share pictures. i cannot wait until i see their smiles with my own eyes. i cannot wait...
so why do i write? to be honest, i have no clue. i have my journal that i've let only three people look through. i've been writing in it for a little over a year now. it started out to be a random journal with my thoughts, doodles and letters to certain people. the first letter is quite long...i had some things to say to that person. God healed my heart and thankfully i don't need to say anything at all. but now my journal is full of my dreams, my passions, ways God has revolutionized my heart. my favorite part of my journal is articles and pictures i've cut out over the period of three years. no one really knows why my heart aches for the faces in these pictures. God only knows...
three years ago while at the beach with my family, i ended up getting really really sick and had to spend a few days inside. i was bummed. extremely bummed. but being the little sister that i am, i stole some of my sister's magazines to read. i came across an article in marie claire that became the spark to fuel the fire that i have now. thank you megan for buying this issue of marie claire. this article was about women who have experienced things, many would not be strong enough to survive. one 13 year old girl hides her face behind a veil because her brother in law threw acid in her face. only 3/4ths of her face is recognizable. my heart literally broke. as i flipped through this article, i felt God move in a way that still gets to me today. my mom says He "nudged" my heart. this was only the beginning ...
the beach + my hilarious family + gorgeous weather + getting sick + 36 hours on the couch = best summer of my life.
now three years later, God has shown me my purpose. i was created only to serve Him. to carry His light to the ends of the earth. for the past three years, i have been praying for an opportunity to go to wherever He has called me. last summer, God made it clear where i was going. Kenya is my first trip. Uganda will be my next. in July 2008, i will hopefully be in Kenya. my journal is now filled with pictures of people, articles on courageous children in Uganda and numerous entries of my impatience to go. my best friend mary went to Kenya two summers ago. lucky...But she brought back pictures and stories. this only fueled the fire. but i feel helpless. impatience is my worst enemy. the pictures in my journal constantly come back to haunt me. these children need to know they are not alone. they must know there is a Savior. i cannot bear to think they live in a life of fear. it is evident in their eyes.
their eyes tell the stories we refuse to hear.
God forgive me for not listening before. forgive me for being so wrapped up in my life and refusing to listen to what actually matters. God forgive me for complaining. You have blessed me beyond my wildest dreams. what have i done to deserve it? how can i bring glory to Your Name? whatever i have, all that i am, everything, God...I give it to You. here i am Lord. send me.
i cannot wait.
i cannot wait to throw my arms around them. i want to hug every one of them. i cannot wait to hear the stories with my own ears. i cannot wait to share pictures. i cannot wait until i see their smiles with my own eyes. i cannot wait...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
