it's terrifying when you realize you're growing up. maybe you're already older than you look. maybe you're younger than you look. but obviously, everyone has to grow up.
it's like leaving your....what? childhood? no real responsibilities? blank word that i cannot think of? you can't look back. you can't pretend it's not happening. you're awakening to it. you're growing up. usually, this hits someone when they are on the brink of something major in their life.
hello. my name is lauren and i am on the brink of something huge in my life.
and in steps decisions. life decisions. i'm not making sense. i don't care. i can't sleep.
it's just so funny when you think you've got a plan laid out and everything is just perfect. but God being an unpredictable God reminds us that our plans are not His. His plans are far too good to let us be in charge of them. so of course, we hit a fork in the road. left. or right. or left. or right.
i want nothing more in life than to bring glory to God and to marry mark. but it's so hard having to comprise. i wanted to marry mark at christmas time 2009. i have this vision of me, in a beautiful maggie sorttero dress covered in lace, walking down the aisle on the arm of my dad. mark is waiting for me at the end with this huge smile on his face. white candles are everywhere dimly lighting the sanctuary creating an intimate atmosphere. my bridesmaids (still not sure who they are...) are standing on the steps in deep red dresses that match my deep red rose bouquet. they're holding one lilly with a white sash tied around it. the sanctuary is decorated with its annual christmas decorations that i adore. and i'm getting married.
dad and i talked the other night about sometimes we don't always get what we want and sometimes we have to make sacrifices to see the big picture. unfortunately, he's so right. gah, i hate when he's right. the best part about getting married is that i'm marrying mark. this time last year, i didn't even know what was going to happen with us. i loved him, he secretly loved me but we were too stubborn to lay our pride aside and admit it. and now i'm still blown away to think how the golden child from atlanta ended up in at a small christian college in south carolina and fell in love with a quirky goofball from a small town down the road. so i guess my rambling and nonsense have brought me to the solution - seeing the whole picture.
of our thousands of decisions, what's best for the both of us? is it best to wait until after i graduate? where are we going to live? are we capable of surviving paycheck to paycheck? am i being selfish? are we going to have cable? should i sell my 47 purses? am i going to be there enough to take care of him? what if i have to work all the time for the first few months and i never get to actually be married to him? are we trusting God enough or are we still wanting some control? why isn't this easier? i am however finally able to say that i am willing to give up my christmas dream wedding. just marrying mark is way beyond worth it. i must remember that God is in control. He is control. I am not in control. I am safe. protected. trusting. i'm waiting. and waiting. and waiting. i need God's email address. or a sticky note would be awesome.
Dear Lauren,
This is my plan for you.
[Insert plan here.]
You are loved.
Love, Your Almighty Father.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
in this dark so dense, we talk so soft.
mark came over tonight and fell asleep on my bed while i worked on my futon. my sheets smell like him. it makes me all the more excited to marry him. i think that excitement increases every second. it makes me dream of being married to him and the things i want us to accomplish together.
things i can't wait to do and things i will do when i'm mrs. mark mcminn:
1. have a candlelight picnic in our living room with hardwood floors.
2. fall asleep wearing his t-shirt.
3. lay in bed late at night and talk. about things that matter.
4. have dinner waiting for him when he walks in from work.
5. wake up in the morning and see him laying beside me with sunlight streaming across his face.
6. in his words - lay my head in his lap, listen to jazz music and watch the sparks rise from the fire in our fireplace.
7. spend Christmas in New York.
8. raise our children to be God-fearing children.
9. lay in bed and eat ice cream. 100 calorie ice cream bars.
10. make cookies for Christmas time.
11. take as many pictures of mark and our children as possible.
12. have one dog at a time.
13. look up from the dinner table and catch mark looking at me.
14. wake our kids up in the middle of the night, bundle them up, hand them a mug of hot chocolate and go outside and watch the stars.
15. take weekend trips away.
16. hear mark introduce me as his wife.
17. feel his feet against mine in the middle of the night.
18. hear his laugh whenever i want.
19. be with him and his family on holidays.
20. travel to northern california with him
21. paint a room in the middle of the night.
22. have a marriage that brings glory to God.
23. text each other during the day to see when we're coming home for dinner
24. see his laundry mixed in with mine.
25. go out on dates :)
26. move from our first house into our second
27. when we actually decide to have kids, announce to everyone that we're having a baby.
28. get tattoos together.
29. be out running errands together and feel him put his hand in mine.
30. change my relationship status to "married" and change my name to Lauren Kirby McMinn
31. go on trips for our anniversary
32. buy gifts for each other.
33. see the Christmas tree being lit at Rockefeller Center
34. go to concerts together
35. lay in bed and read
36. watch him preach every Sunday morning
37. nap together every Friday afternoon
38. cook him breakfast. lunch. and dinner.
39. lay in the floor of our living room or sit in the floor of his office and talk.
40. feel his heart beat when he's holding me close.
41. get really, really tickled together.
42. pick up the phone whenever his mom calls
43. have a little boy who looks and acts just like him
44. see his toothbrush beside mine. (is that weird?)
45. call things "ours"
46. go shopping together.
47. steal his clothes.
48. have dinner dates with wil ray and whitney.
49. hear him moving around the house late at night or early in the morning.
50. wake up in the morning and catch him watching me sleep.
51. hiding the remote from him so he can't watch espn 24/7
52. move into our first house together.
53. decorate our christmas tree together
54. play hooky.
55. get in arguments. me cry. and then us apologize to each other and then laugh at how dumb we are.
56. organize our house.
57. go to downtown atlanta for dinner.
58. decorate the house for birthdays.
59. lay in bed with the windows open listening to the rain.
60. have jazz music playing while we cook together.
61. beg him for more dogs but laugh when he says no every time.
62. come home from a bad day and find he filled a bubble bath for me.
63. fall asleep while he works and feel him crawl into bed with me.
64. walk into the living room and find him asleep on the couch with one of our kids.
65. feel him cover me up with a blanket when i'm cold.
66. pretend like we're still in college and go away on a "spring break"
67. take our kids to see the Nutcracker every Christmas
68. work in the yard.
69. finally getting a mac for my birthday or Christmas
70. hearing him talk to our children about God and His love for us
71. go to asheville for the day.
72. take our kids shopping for back to school supplies.
73. naming our son Phillip
74. calling him throughout the day to tell him what hilarious things our kids have done.
75. find notes he's left for me all over the house.
76. take a spur of the moment road trip.
77. visit colleges with our kids.
78. hearing him read to our children.
79. surprising him with tickets to a UGA football game or Braves game
80. fall more and more in love with him every day
81. holding hands.
82. him letting me stick my toes under his feet when im cold.
83. playing out in the snow.
84. him coming home for lunch when our children are little.
85. still learning and studying him after years of being married.
86. getting so mad at him that i can't see straight.
87. talking to his mom for hours.
88. leaving him notes in his car and briefcase.
89. hearing him say my name.
90. still being in love after years of being married.
91. stealing his hoodies when i'm cold.
92. having our house smell like him
93. lighting candles at night.
94. seeing a wedding band on my left hand.
95. complaining to him about a bad day and then him making me laugh
96. fighting over the middle of the bed and the covers during the night.
97. seeing his bed-head hair whenever he wakes up from a nap.
98. teaching our puppy new tricks.
99. still wondering after 50 years of being married why God blessed me with such an incredible husband.
100. being married to mark mcminn.
things i can't wait to do and things i will do when i'm mrs. mark mcminn:
1. have a candlelight picnic in our living room with hardwood floors.
2. fall asleep wearing his t-shirt.
3. lay in bed late at night and talk. about things that matter.
4. have dinner waiting for him when he walks in from work.
5. wake up in the morning and see him laying beside me with sunlight streaming across his face.
6. in his words - lay my head in his lap, listen to jazz music and watch the sparks rise from the fire in our fireplace.
7. spend Christmas in New York.
8. raise our children to be God-fearing children.
9. lay in bed and eat ice cream. 100 calorie ice cream bars.
10. make cookies for Christmas time.
11. take as many pictures of mark and our children as possible.
12. have one dog at a time.
13. look up from the dinner table and catch mark looking at me.
14. wake our kids up in the middle of the night, bundle them up, hand them a mug of hot chocolate and go outside and watch the stars.
15. take weekend trips away.
16. hear mark introduce me as his wife.
17. feel his feet against mine in the middle of the night.
18. hear his laugh whenever i want.
19. be with him and his family on holidays.
20. travel to northern california with him
21. paint a room in the middle of the night.
22. have a marriage that brings glory to God.
23. text each other during the day to see when we're coming home for dinner
24. see his laundry mixed in with mine.
25. go out on dates :)
26. move from our first house into our second
27. when we actually decide to have kids, announce to everyone that we're having a baby.
28. get tattoos together.
29. be out running errands together and feel him put his hand in mine.
30. change my relationship status to "married" and change my name to Lauren Kirby McMinn
31. go on trips for our anniversary
32. buy gifts for each other.
33. see the Christmas tree being lit at Rockefeller Center
34. go to concerts together
35. lay in bed and read
36. watch him preach every Sunday morning
37. nap together every Friday afternoon
38. cook him breakfast. lunch. and dinner.
39. lay in the floor of our living room or sit in the floor of his office and talk.
40. feel his heart beat when he's holding me close.
41. get really, really tickled together.
42. pick up the phone whenever his mom calls
43. have a little boy who looks and acts just like him
44. see his toothbrush beside mine. (is that weird?)
45. call things "ours"
46. go shopping together.
47. steal his clothes.
48. have dinner dates with wil ray and whitney.
49. hear him moving around the house late at night or early in the morning.
50. wake up in the morning and catch him watching me sleep.
51. hiding the remote from him so he can't watch espn 24/7
52. move into our first house together.
53. decorate our christmas tree together
54. play hooky.
55. get in arguments. me cry. and then us apologize to each other and then laugh at how dumb we are.
56. organize our house.
57. go to downtown atlanta for dinner.
58. decorate the house for birthdays.
59. lay in bed with the windows open listening to the rain.
60. have jazz music playing while we cook together.
61. beg him for more dogs but laugh when he says no every time.
62. come home from a bad day and find he filled a bubble bath for me.
63. fall asleep while he works and feel him crawl into bed with me.
64. walk into the living room and find him asleep on the couch with one of our kids.
65. feel him cover me up with a blanket when i'm cold.
66. pretend like we're still in college and go away on a "spring break"
67. take our kids to see the Nutcracker every Christmas
68. work in the yard.
69. finally getting a mac for my birthday or Christmas
70. hearing him talk to our children about God and His love for us
71. go to asheville for the day.
72. take our kids shopping for back to school supplies.
73. naming our son Phillip
74. calling him throughout the day to tell him what hilarious things our kids have done.
75. find notes he's left for me all over the house.
76. take a spur of the moment road trip.
77. visit colleges with our kids.
78. hearing him read to our children.
79. surprising him with tickets to a UGA football game or Braves game
80. fall more and more in love with him every day
81. holding hands.
82. him letting me stick my toes under his feet when im cold.
83. playing out in the snow.
84. him coming home for lunch when our children are little.
85. still learning and studying him after years of being married.
86. getting so mad at him that i can't see straight.
87. talking to his mom for hours.
88. leaving him notes in his car and briefcase.
89. hearing him say my name.
90. still being in love after years of being married.
91. stealing his hoodies when i'm cold.
92. having our house smell like him
93. lighting candles at night.
94. seeing a wedding band on my left hand.
95. complaining to him about a bad day and then him making me laugh
96. fighting over the middle of the bed and the covers during the night.
97. seeing his bed-head hair whenever he wakes up from a nap.
98. teaching our puppy new tricks.
99. still wondering after 50 years of being married why God blessed me with such an incredible husband.
100. being married to mark mcminn.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
breathe in. breathe out.
i have never been more confused in my life. all that i thought was right now seems to be completely wrong. things are not making sense to me and i dont understand why. i always had the desire to teach but every lesson plan, every education class and every education majors meeting makes my stomach turn. the thought of me teaching seems so absurd and almost hilarious. and WHY now? WHY not 2 years ago? why does it all have to fall apart now?
i've got a few decisons to make. but oh they are not light. the next decisions i have to make could determine my career, my financial situation and what will happen to me for the next two years. i feel pulled in almost every direction. which one is right?
to be honest, i do not care to hear any one's opinion on why i should stay in the education program. this is not the time for someone to "encourage" me in the education program. because those of you wanting to say those things to me are probably getting ready to graduate or you are going to be an incredible teacher who has always had the creative mind for lesson plans. and take no offense please when i say i don't want to hear your opinion. now is just not the time.
i laid in bed last night completely under my covers desperate for a moment of peace. for five minutes i prayed that i could just...have...five...minutes. of nothing. no decisions. no doubts. no thoughts. no noise. just five minutes. that's all i wanted.
i finally made it to sleep with my pillow wet from where i had cried so hard. it was that cry where you long to be wrapped in someone's arms and just held close. to feel reassurance. serenity.
when i woke up this morning, my soccer player teddy bear from my sister was laying beside me. i forgot to move it down to the end of my bed where it usually sits while i sleep. when i was younger i used to sleep with five or six stuffed animals at night because i was afraid i'd hurt one's feelings. here is where my compassion as a child could be seen as vomit. now i see that my compassion and desire to please everyone could still be seen as vomit.
you know in the movies when a character is struggling with a huge internal conflict they always seem to go stand in the shower (i.e. every movie on Lifetime)? i tried that today. almost as an escape for a few minutes. but of course, some people, including me, get their "best" ideas in the shower. so my escape was just another few minutes to think. mark asked me last night what i wanted to do with my life. when i thought of that today i laughed because i was reminded of that scene in the notebook when Noah asks Allie what she wanted- him, her long, lost love of a summer 7 years before or rich, handsome, army Lon. he didn't want her to please anyone else but herself. it was that assertive "WHAT do you WANT?" mark is my Noah.
i want to look back and know that what i've done was more than enough. that i didn't settle for a mediocre life just to please someone else. that i did what was right. for me.
so right now i know only a few things i want. to glorify God in absolutely everything i do. to marry mark and serve God alongside him. to be a mom and drive my kids to their soccer games and dance classes. to remember that i am loved. i am still breathing.
i've got a few decisons to make. but oh they are not light. the next decisions i have to make could determine my career, my financial situation and what will happen to me for the next two years. i feel pulled in almost every direction. which one is right?
to be honest, i do not care to hear any one's opinion on why i should stay in the education program. this is not the time for someone to "encourage" me in the education program. because those of you wanting to say those things to me are probably getting ready to graduate or you are going to be an incredible teacher who has always had the creative mind for lesson plans. and take no offense please when i say i don't want to hear your opinion. now is just not the time.
i laid in bed last night completely under my covers desperate for a moment of peace. for five minutes i prayed that i could just...have...five...minutes. of nothing. no decisions. no doubts. no thoughts. no noise. just five minutes. that's all i wanted.
i finally made it to sleep with my pillow wet from where i had cried so hard. it was that cry where you long to be wrapped in someone's arms and just held close. to feel reassurance. serenity.
when i woke up this morning, my soccer player teddy bear from my sister was laying beside me. i forgot to move it down to the end of my bed where it usually sits while i sleep. when i was younger i used to sleep with five or six stuffed animals at night because i was afraid i'd hurt one's feelings. here is where my compassion as a child could be seen as vomit. now i see that my compassion and desire to please everyone could still be seen as vomit.
you know in the movies when a character is struggling with a huge internal conflict they always seem to go stand in the shower (i.e. every movie on Lifetime)? i tried that today. almost as an escape for a few minutes. but of course, some people, including me, get their "best" ideas in the shower. so my escape was just another few minutes to think. mark asked me last night what i wanted to do with my life. when i thought of that today i laughed because i was reminded of that scene in the notebook when Noah asks Allie what she wanted- him, her long, lost love of a summer 7 years before or rich, handsome, army Lon. he didn't want her to please anyone else but herself. it was that assertive "WHAT do you WANT?" mark is my Noah.
i want to look back and know that what i've done was more than enough. that i didn't settle for a mediocre life just to please someone else. that i did what was right. for me.
so right now i know only a few things i want. to glorify God in absolutely everything i do. to marry mark and serve God alongside him. to be a mom and drive my kids to their soccer games and dance classes. to remember that i am loved. i am still breathing.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
be near me when i've given up.
i need to be reminded of who i was when i took that first step out the door.
all i said now follows me around. i'm reminded i'm not like that anymore.
i uprooted and miles behind me are the faces and the home i love.
You've brought to my attention i'm slowly changing
and becoming what i wanted to stop.
isn't that just like a finite mind? setting out with such righteous indignation.
but now i'm at Your feet.
could You look at me with some imagination?
the bush before me, i slip my sandals off.
i only stopped to look in the depths of the sea, in the midst of a great storm.
and i run from You.
and isn't that just like a finite mind setting out with such righteous indignation
but now i'm at Your feet.
could You look at me with some imagination?
so remind me why You woke me up and why You wake me every morning.
the staff in my hand, held in by Your love. just stay close, stay close.
because i know my own mind. i set out with righteous indignation.
but when i'm at Your feet please, please look at me with some imagination.
all i said now follows me around. i'm reminded i'm not like that anymore.
i uprooted and miles behind me are the faces and the home i love.
You've brought to my attention i'm slowly changing
and becoming what i wanted to stop.
isn't that just like a finite mind? setting out with such righteous indignation.
but now i'm at Your feet.
could You look at me with some imagination?
the bush before me, i slip my sandals off.
i only stopped to look in the depths of the sea, in the midst of a great storm.
and i run from You.
and isn't that just like a finite mind setting out with such righteous indignation
but now i'm at Your feet.
could You look at me with some imagination?
so remind me why You woke me up and why You wake me every morning.
the staff in my hand, held in by Your love. just stay close, stay close.
because i know my own mind. i set out with righteous indignation.
but when i'm at Your feet please, please look at me with some imagination.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
distractions.
i leave for Kenya in a week. i've waited for 4 years. and now it comes down to one week.
a few nights ago i had a group meeting with everyone going on the Kenya trip. our leader was reminding us to cling to the Father this week because everything that could go wrong will probably go wrong. hey guess what...it has.
its so funny how the smallest thing can just get to me. a comment or a facial expression- anything that doesn't matter, does matter. more than it should. and i HATE it.
i realized that my fears have been taken out on others things. and people. things and people that i have reassurance and promises in. people that i know will be around forever. i may take my fears out on them and i'm sorry. he knows who he is. thank you for being my human emotional punching bag.
friday, the day after the meeting, i came across something that still rubs me wrong. i realized that people i'm not even around anymore still manage to get under my skin. and they do it so well. i noticed that i started calling them out on their faults. how they aren't being original and REAL. the person they are portraying isn't someone i've ever seen before. and i've known them for years.
it just feels like satan has sent his demons to distract me and turn my focus on everything else but this trip. the fact that next week i'll be in the right place at the right time. the children that i'll fall in love with. im so caught up in the packing. and what to wear. and how many skirts do i need to take. i can't forget to update my iPod and charge it fully. i'm absolutely terrified of flying. thanks to pointless shows like LOST. i have never flown before and in the words of my one and only love, "i'm wigging out." and i can't forget to buy a few more memory cards for the 65287 pictures that i'll be taking while i'm in Kenya and...
deep breaths. in and out. exhale. inhale.
i broke down today at church. it wasn't like a few tears running down my face. it was like black tears from my mascara. i don't know why i lost it. i needed someone to hold my hand. i think it just hit me. that i'm actually doing this. its not just a dream anymore. its reality. i'm terrified. i'm not qualified to do this. i dont know anything. i don't have some amazing story that can change someone's life. im a spoiled little girl who grew up in a strong Christian family and is surrounded by ones that love her. i have a place to lay down at night. i have clean clothes to wear everyday. i have shoes. these people dont even have shoes to wear. they sleep on cardboard every night with a strip of cloth to keep them warm in 40 degree weather. i have two fans in my room to keep me cool at night. i dont understand. what if i can't communicate? what if they don't understand? i want so badly for them to see the desperation in my eyes. i want so badly to hug them and hold them and make them understand they are loved. i long to feel their hands in mine. i dont want this trip to slip through my fingers. i don't want to mess this up.
"Moses said to the Lord, ' O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow to speech and tongue.' The Lord said to him, 'Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say." Exodus 4:10-12
Father God, be with me. take my hand and don't let go. free me from these distractions so that i may focus only on You. i want so badly to carry Your Name and Your love to these people. i want to make a lasting impression so they may bring others to You after i leave. deliver me from my fears. remind me of the promise of protection that You have made to me. i so desperately need to feel You close to me Father God. continue to surround me in Your love and mercy. be with the others that are preparing for this trip. i pray that You will keep them safe this week and free from the same distractions. prepare our hearts for what we will see. open our eyes so that we will those who are searching for You. give us chance after chance to love those who especially need it. these people have seen pain and sorrow that not many of us can understand. let us disappear so they may only see You. i pray for the ones that we will meet. go before us Father God. begin to soften their hearts so they may hear the words You will speak through us. let them feel You move within their streets and their homes. i pray they will feel salvation and freedom on its way. be with us during the rest of this week. let us feel You near to us. calm our fears and nerves. i give this trip to You Father God. in your holy and precious name.
a few nights ago i had a group meeting with everyone going on the Kenya trip. our leader was reminding us to cling to the Father this week because everything that could go wrong will probably go wrong. hey guess what...it has.
its so funny how the smallest thing can just get to me. a comment or a facial expression- anything that doesn't matter, does matter. more than it should. and i HATE it.
i realized that my fears have been taken out on others things. and people. things and people that i have reassurance and promises in. people that i know will be around forever. i may take my fears out on them and i'm sorry. he knows who he is. thank you for being my human emotional punching bag.
friday, the day after the meeting, i came across something that still rubs me wrong. i realized that people i'm not even around anymore still manage to get under my skin. and they do it so well. i noticed that i started calling them out on their faults. how they aren't being original and REAL. the person they are portraying isn't someone i've ever seen before. and i've known them for years.
it just feels like satan has sent his demons to distract me and turn my focus on everything else but this trip. the fact that next week i'll be in the right place at the right time. the children that i'll fall in love with. im so caught up in the packing. and what to wear. and how many skirts do i need to take. i can't forget to update my iPod and charge it fully. i'm absolutely terrified of flying. thanks to pointless shows like LOST. i have never flown before and in the words of my one and only love, "i'm wigging out." and i can't forget to buy a few more memory cards for the 65287 pictures that i'll be taking while i'm in Kenya and...
deep breaths. in and out. exhale. inhale.
i broke down today at church. it wasn't like a few tears running down my face. it was like black tears from my mascara. i don't know why i lost it. i needed someone to hold my hand. i think it just hit me. that i'm actually doing this. its not just a dream anymore. its reality. i'm terrified. i'm not qualified to do this. i dont know anything. i don't have some amazing story that can change someone's life. im a spoiled little girl who grew up in a strong Christian family and is surrounded by ones that love her. i have a place to lay down at night. i have clean clothes to wear everyday. i have shoes. these people dont even have shoes to wear. they sleep on cardboard every night with a strip of cloth to keep them warm in 40 degree weather. i have two fans in my room to keep me cool at night. i dont understand. what if i can't communicate? what if they don't understand? i want so badly for them to see the desperation in my eyes. i want so badly to hug them and hold them and make them understand they are loved. i long to feel their hands in mine. i dont want this trip to slip through my fingers. i don't want to mess this up.
"Moses said to the Lord, ' O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow to speech and tongue.' The Lord said to him, 'Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say." Exodus 4:10-12
Father God, be with me. take my hand and don't let go. free me from these distractions so that i may focus only on You. i want so badly to carry Your Name and Your love to these people. i want to make a lasting impression so they may bring others to You after i leave. deliver me from my fears. remind me of the promise of protection that You have made to me. i so desperately need to feel You close to me Father God. continue to surround me in Your love and mercy. be with the others that are preparing for this trip. i pray that You will keep them safe this week and free from the same distractions. prepare our hearts for what we will see. open our eyes so that we will those who are searching for You. give us chance after chance to love those who especially need it. these people have seen pain and sorrow that not many of us can understand. let us disappear so they may only see You. i pray for the ones that we will meet. go before us Father God. begin to soften their hearts so they may hear the words You will speak through us. let them feel You move within their streets and their homes. i pray they will feel salvation and freedom on its way. be with us during the rest of this week. let us feel You near to us. calm our fears and nerves. i give this trip to You Father God. in your holy and precious name.
Monday, April 7, 2008
same girl.
2 months and 1 day. i leave for Kenya. my eyes will be opened. my heart will be broken. i'll learn to appreciate the usually unnoticeable things in life like my bed. or my shoes. or a bottle of water. i'll realize how blessed i really am.
but i'll be the same.
my fingers will have interlocked with fingers of children who have lost everything. my hands will have held infants who will never know their parents. my arms will have hugged amazing people each with an amazing amount of faith. my fire and my desperation to share Christ will only be fueled.
but i'll be the same.
i'll be the same girl who had a pancake in her mouth when you walked by her last august. i'll still love coldplay and hoodies. i'll still testify that drinking Simply Orange juice is better out of the bottle than drinking it out of a cup. i'll still love daisies and i'll still hate the word "chunk." i'll still be the girl who faithfully watches your soccer games in silence so you can focus. i'll still carry my sunglasses with me wherever i go. i'll still love club sandwiches and i'll still be obsessed with my camera.
i'll still be the same girl who has loved you since she met you. i'll still be the same girl who loves to sit with you under the stars for hours. i'll still be the same girl who would rather sit and talk with your family then go out with tons of friends. i'll still be the same girl who makes you read the Dove chocolate wrappers before you eat the chocolate.
when i come back from kenya and i get off the plane and run into your arms, i'll be the same girl as the one who left two weeks before. although my desire for peace and salvation for Kenya will be increased, i'll still be the same girl. nothing and no one can ever change any of that. atlanta, rock hill, kenya...distance doesn't mean anything. nothing will change. i have the reassurance, the confidence, the promise that you aren't going anywhere. neither am i. this summer will only make us grow stronger in our faith in God and in each other. you and i just fit. life with you makes sense to me. you promised to fight and defend me and i'll hold fast to that promise.
i'm not going to throw a pity party about any of this. of course, i'll be upset every once and a while - that's expected. but this summer will be too good for both of us to sit around and pout. you're going to be doing amazing things over the next few months. i cannot express to you how proud i am of you. i cannot wait to brag about what you're doing this summer. yes, it will kill me to have to say goodbye to you...but actually, no. we're not saying goodbye. i hate that. we'll say "see you soon." just like at christmas. we'll see each other every chance we can get. talking every night on the phone or online will be a must (you knew that). i cannot wait for what God has planned for you and i this summer - together and seperately.
i hope you know how i desperately love you. i can't explain it. its something i thought i had but i was wrong - so very wrong. you've shown me what love really is. its a faithful, trusting, reassuring love that i've never felt before. i could never throw it away or even begin to lose it. i refuse to let that happen. the night you and i met, was a night that was only planned by God. everything i have been through led me to that kitchen on that monday night. all that i've done led me to that front porch where you walked up to me in that Nationals t-shirt, black bandana and wild hair. you stole my heart that night and i'm never asking for it back. you promised to fight for me and to defend me. you know i'm a fighter and i'm stubborn so trust that i won't let this slip away. i could never imagine my life without you. this summer will be a time of growing and learning for both of us. we just won't physically see each other every day. but always know and remember - i love you. always and forever.
So let's be through with this one
Cause some things never change.
I know you're still my same girl
Who builds her own frames
Right back to my same girl.
How can you be so calm when the truth is sometimes
Living in the eye of the storm?
With everything going on around us
I feel comfort in the sounds when you say
It will be ok.
Like a star that's immune to the light of the day
Told dreams it could follow me
But not with my same girl.
- Jack Johnson "Same Girl"
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
crawl
I've had things to say to you for a few months now. But I've never found the right words to say or the appropriate time to say these words. Today I felt God pushing me to say these things. Its taken me hours to get all of this together because I wanted to get these thoughts across perfectly. I don't know if they'll be of some comfort but I want you to know.
I replay October 20th in my head over and over again. I cannot get the sound of you crying out of my head. I am reminded of it often. There is not a day that goes by that I don't hear the pain and the sorrow in your voice. Or the way it felt to drop to my knees in the hallway- the same way my heart dropped when you told me. Your voice and your exact words will stay with me for the rest of my life.
The next night when I saw you was the night I saw the physical definition of being broken and lost. You listened to "Fire and Rain" over and over again. This is another image that still haunts my thoughts...the site of you sitting in the car not knowing what to do or where to go. Every time I hear that song, that image is thrown back into my thoughts. I remember you didn't look me in the eye or barely speak at all. You rested your head on your hand while you sat. I sat there too...praying for the words to say. Apparently, my prayer was unanswered because I didn't speak either. I knew that nothing I could say would take away the pain or be of any comfort. I was scared...scared that I wouldn't be able to help you at all. or that the words I thought of to say wouldn't be comforting or would be words that you had just heard before and you didn't want to hear them again.
I don't think I slept for more than an hour for the next several nights. I was hurting because you were hurting. I hated the look in your eyes that screamed how bad you hurt. I wanted it all to go away. I wished there was something...anything that I could do to take this pain away from you. I had never experienced anything like this before in my life and I was not ready for it. I remember laying on my couch for an entire night sobbing and crying out to God. I went out to our spot many times during that week and just sat under the stars searching for answers and praying for you and your family. I didn't feel as though God was listening. Shame on me for that.
God most certainly was listening because I saw His power and His glory on October 23rd. I saw a broken family find comfort in the peace and love of God. I saw a family who had been stripped of their Dad, their husband and their spiritual leader still have the strength and the faith to give the glory to God. I saw a church who lost their pastor, but yet they refused to fall apart and they promised to carry on with he had only just begun. Through my tears, I saw you stand in front of hundreds and talk about the impact that your dad had on your life. I have never been more proud of you than at that moment. I thanked God over and over again for your concrete faith in Him and for the peace that I knew He was going to pour over you.
After the funeral, I met you at the gas station in Greenwood so that Wil and I could follow you to the burial site. As we pulled up, you were blaring "Day by Day" from the Freaked album. I remember that for some reason. Before we left the gas station, I realized I didn't want you to be alone. I knew you wanted to be alone but that was the last thing I was going to let you do. So I asked to ride with you...not just so I could be near you or talk to you but just so you had someone to sit with you.
I've done all that I can to support you and to be of some help to you. I doubt I've done anything much but as long as you know that I've tried.I promise I'll do that for the rest of our lives. I lift you and your family up daily in my prayers asking God to give you all His everlasting peace and reassurance. I know now that if you want to be left alone then I'll leave you alone. But every time that happens, I pray that God will not leave you alone. that you feel His presence in a way that completely sweeps you away from this world. and that He will just be near you. Just to know that God is near you is enough for me.
I know that you have days when it seems like there is nothing you can do to get your dad or your pain off your mind. On those days...run, stagger, crawl to Christ. Love is here. Love is waiting at His feet. It is pouring from His hands. It is a love that satifies. It wraps us up and takes us away to a place where we find unceasing peace from our pain. Take everything you have to Him no matter how small and weak you feel. His arms are open and waiting for you. When we are broken, all we can do is turn to Christ. The pain, the sorrow and the tears we cry are all things He has experienced. But the beauty through this is that we can still believe in Him and His power when we feel as though He is silent. It's just like believing in the sun when it's not shining. or believing that love still exists even when we don't feel it. When you feel as though your strength is gone and the agony is too much, remember that Christ's love is stronger than the weight of your sorrow. His love fills the emptiness that you feel and then you begin to feel His healing. Our God is a God who saves. He loves to rescue His children from their pain and suffering but we have to let Him. We have to let Him find us. He always finds us at the right time.
I also know that you will have days when you are happy and it feels good to remember your dad. Rejoice in those days. Hold on to those days with all you are. Thank God for the time you had with your dad. Thank Him for the moments that you were able to share with him. for those silly little things you two would do together. for the times that you two worked on cars. or for the times he watched you at your soccer games. for cheering you on and being an encouragment to you. for the texts and voicemails. but especially thank Him for the lessons your dad taught you. for his amazing and concrete faith in God. and for his influence he has had in your walk with Christ. because of God and your dad, you are where you are today.
You are a man who seeks nothing less than to bring glory to God with your life. You have surrended your life and your will to receive the blessings that He wants to pour on you. I praise God for that. I thank Him for you over and over...hundreds of times a day. God has opened my eyes to amazing things through you and your famiy...not only my eyes but hundreds of others...even people you don't know. You have an amazing testimony and I cannot wait to hear you tell it. Your story is one that exists because of your strong faith in God and His everlasting love for you. I praise Him because He is a father to the fatherless, he rescues the widows in their mourning and wraps His arms around those whose hearts are breaking, giving them a peace they can find nowhere else.
These past few months have taught me that life is precious. I am only here for a blink of an eye and for this short time I must make my time worth something. But we know that it is only worth something if I live my life for God, seeking His kingdom first. I can picture your dad encouraging you to "seek first His kingdom." Continue to do so. God has written an amazing story for your life but He wants you to share that story now. In the times where you are sad, seek Him. In the times where you are happy, seek Him. In Christ alone is where you will find God. It is where you will find love. It is where you will find peace. Seek Him first.
I replay October 20th in my head over and over again. I cannot get the sound of you crying out of my head. I am reminded of it often. There is not a day that goes by that I don't hear the pain and the sorrow in your voice. Or the way it felt to drop to my knees in the hallway- the same way my heart dropped when you told me. Your voice and your exact words will stay with me for the rest of my life.
The next night when I saw you was the night I saw the physical definition of being broken and lost. You listened to "Fire and Rain" over and over again. This is another image that still haunts my thoughts...the site of you sitting in the car not knowing what to do or where to go. Every time I hear that song, that image is thrown back into my thoughts. I remember you didn't look me in the eye or barely speak at all. You rested your head on your hand while you sat. I sat there too...praying for the words to say. Apparently, my prayer was unanswered because I didn't speak either. I knew that nothing I could say would take away the pain or be of any comfort. I was scared...scared that I wouldn't be able to help you at all. or that the words I thought of to say wouldn't be comforting or would be words that you had just heard before and you didn't want to hear them again.
I don't think I slept for more than an hour for the next several nights. I was hurting because you were hurting. I hated the look in your eyes that screamed how bad you hurt. I wanted it all to go away. I wished there was something...anything that I could do to take this pain away from you. I had never experienced anything like this before in my life and I was not ready for it. I remember laying on my couch for an entire night sobbing and crying out to God. I went out to our spot many times during that week and just sat under the stars searching for answers and praying for you and your family. I didn't feel as though God was listening. Shame on me for that.
God most certainly was listening because I saw His power and His glory on October 23rd. I saw a broken family find comfort in the peace and love of God. I saw a family who had been stripped of their Dad, their husband and their spiritual leader still have the strength and the faith to give the glory to God. I saw a church who lost their pastor, but yet they refused to fall apart and they promised to carry on with he had only just begun. Through my tears, I saw you stand in front of hundreds and talk about the impact that your dad had on your life. I have never been more proud of you than at that moment. I thanked God over and over again for your concrete faith in Him and for the peace that I knew He was going to pour over you.
After the funeral, I met you at the gas station in Greenwood so that Wil and I could follow you to the burial site. As we pulled up, you were blaring "Day by Day" from the Freaked album. I remember that for some reason. Before we left the gas station, I realized I didn't want you to be alone. I knew you wanted to be alone but that was the last thing I was going to let you do. So I asked to ride with you...not just so I could be near you or talk to you but just so you had someone to sit with you.
I've done all that I can to support you and to be of some help to you. I doubt I've done anything much but as long as you know that I've tried.I promise I'll do that for the rest of our lives. I lift you and your family up daily in my prayers asking God to give you all His everlasting peace and reassurance. I know now that if you want to be left alone then I'll leave you alone. But every time that happens, I pray that God will not leave you alone. that you feel His presence in a way that completely sweeps you away from this world. and that He will just be near you. Just to know that God is near you is enough for me.
I know that you have days when it seems like there is nothing you can do to get your dad or your pain off your mind. On those days...run, stagger, crawl to Christ. Love is here. Love is waiting at His feet. It is pouring from His hands. It is a love that satifies. It wraps us up and takes us away to a place where we find unceasing peace from our pain. Take everything you have to Him no matter how small and weak you feel. His arms are open and waiting for you. When we are broken, all we can do is turn to Christ. The pain, the sorrow and the tears we cry are all things He has experienced. But the beauty through this is that we can still believe in Him and His power when we feel as though He is silent. It's just like believing in the sun when it's not shining. or believing that love still exists even when we don't feel it. When you feel as though your strength is gone and the agony is too much, remember that Christ's love is stronger than the weight of your sorrow. His love fills the emptiness that you feel and then you begin to feel His healing. Our God is a God who saves. He loves to rescue His children from their pain and suffering but we have to let Him. We have to let Him find us. He always finds us at the right time.
I also know that you will have days when you are happy and it feels good to remember your dad. Rejoice in those days. Hold on to those days with all you are. Thank God for the time you had with your dad. Thank Him for the moments that you were able to share with him. for those silly little things you two would do together. for the times that you two worked on cars. or for the times he watched you at your soccer games. for cheering you on and being an encouragment to you. for the texts and voicemails. but especially thank Him for the lessons your dad taught you. for his amazing and concrete faith in God. and for his influence he has had in your walk with Christ. because of God and your dad, you are where you are today.
You are a man who seeks nothing less than to bring glory to God with your life. You have surrended your life and your will to receive the blessings that He wants to pour on you. I praise God for that. I thank Him for you over and over...hundreds of times a day. God has opened my eyes to amazing things through you and your famiy...not only my eyes but hundreds of others...even people you don't know. You have an amazing testimony and I cannot wait to hear you tell it. Your story is one that exists because of your strong faith in God and His everlasting love for you. I praise Him because He is a father to the fatherless, he rescues the widows in their mourning and wraps His arms around those whose hearts are breaking, giving them a peace they can find nowhere else.
These past few months have taught me that life is precious. I am only here for a blink of an eye and for this short time I must make my time worth something. But we know that it is only worth something if I live my life for God, seeking His kingdom first. I can picture your dad encouraging you to "seek first His kingdom." Continue to do so. God has written an amazing story for your life but He wants you to share that story now. In the times where you are sad, seek Him. In the times where you are happy, seek Him. In Christ alone is where you will find God. It is where you will find love. It is where you will find peace. Seek Him first.
Monday, January 21, 2008
my bucket list
1. Bring glory to God in absolutely everything that I am and everything I do.
2. Go to Africa (after June 8, I can check this one off!)
3. Marry my best friend.
4. Make sure my girls know how much they mean to me and that they are a God-sent blessing to my life.
5. Go fishing at the Great Lakes.
6. Become an amazing chef (better than Paula Deen or Racheal Ray)
7. Serve Christ alongside my husband.
8. Karaoke.
9. Visit Ireland.
10. Learn to wakeboard and snowboard.
11. Have children who are madly in love with Jesus.
12. Go to Santorini, Greece for my 50th wedding anniversary.
13. Make someone smile. and then they ask why I smile. and I'll answer Jesus.
14. Run in Race for the Cure.
15. Adopt a child.
16. See the Rockefellar Christmas Tree lighting ceremony.
17. Learn to paint.
18. See Kaylee graduate high school.
19. Write a book.
20. Make scrapbooks for all my children.
21. Send Mom and Dad on a cruise for their wedding anniversary.
22. See the house Mom and Dad lived in while Dad was in seminary.
23. Buy a lakehouse or a beach house...or both...
24. Sit in a rocking chair, drinking coffee, watching the sunrise and be completely at peace.
25. Change the world.
more to come...
2. Go to Africa (after June 8, I can check this one off!)
3. Marry my best friend.
4. Make sure my girls know how much they mean to me and that they are a God-sent blessing to my life.
5. Go fishing at the Great Lakes.
6. Become an amazing chef (better than Paula Deen or Racheal Ray)
7. Serve Christ alongside my husband.
8. Karaoke.
9. Visit Ireland.
10. Learn to wakeboard and snowboard.
11. Have children who are madly in love with Jesus.
12. Go to Santorini, Greece for my 50th wedding anniversary.
13. Make someone smile. and then they ask why I smile. and I'll answer Jesus.
14. Run in Race for the Cure.
15. Adopt a child.
16. See the Rockefellar Christmas Tree lighting ceremony.
17. Learn to paint.
18. See Kaylee graduate high school.
19. Write a book.
20. Make scrapbooks for all my children.
21. Send Mom and Dad on a cruise for their wedding anniversary.
22. See the house Mom and Dad lived in while Dad was in seminary.
23. Buy a lakehouse or a beach house...or both...
24. Sit in a rocking chair, drinking coffee, watching the sunrise and be completely at peace.
25. Change the world.
more to come...
Saturday, January 19, 2008
for my love.
february 29th - march 2, i'll be in my favorite place in the world with some of my favorite people. folly beach. simpsonville first baptist high school girls retreat. i have never been more excited.
i think i went every year i was in high school but this year is going to be different. i've been asked to help lead this retreat. today i received an email about the theme this year, "Virtuous Reality". our topics this year are hopefully going to help these high school girls to find out what it means to be a woman of God. our topics for the four sessions of the weekend are the Proverbs 31 woman (of course), a woman of worth and purpose, a woman of wisdom and virtuous dating. as i begin praying for each girl on this retreat and for God to prepare my heart to share with these girls, i realize that i must first find out what it really means to be a woman of God. to be the Proverbs 31 woman. to be a woman of worth and purpose. to be a woman of wisdom. and to have a virtuous dating relationship.
i think most Christian women can quote something from the Proverbs 31 woman passage. i know i can quote many verses from it. i strive to be that woman. although i am not married yet, i do hope my husband will have full confidence in me. i want to bring him good, not harm all the days of my life. i cannot wait to serve him. to bring him honor. and to serve Christ with him. that will be my greatest joy. to serve Christ along side my husband. my best friend.
this past Christmas Eve, my dad shared a devotion with my mom, my sister and i where he shared verses that he prays for us. the verses he shared for my mom were the verses from Proverbs 31. as he read them aloud, i saw how much he loves my mom. my mom is an amazing woman. a strong and passionate woman of God. i hope to be like her one day.
every one wants to be considered worthy and to know their purpose in life. i thought my purpose years ago was just to be a 5th grade teacher. but God has bigger plans. i'm going to be a revolutionary. a warrior for Christ. in June i'll be a missionary.
*side track - i just thought of my best friend Heather. i miss her. but while skiing a few weeks ago, heather and i were talking about Jesus coming back and the end of the world. we started talking about the battle that is mentioned in Revelations and Heather looks at me, and in all honesty says, "I hope i get a sword to fight some demons with." Jesus, thank You for my beautiful best friend and her spirit and fire for You.*
okay back to what i was saying. i've always known God valued me as worthy and had a purpose for my life. but He is slowly revealing His purpose for me. i'm so glad that i'm searching for it. He shows me bits and pieces of it daily. and its like unwrapping a present in slow motion. if God just emailed me and told me exactly what i'd be doing for the rest of my life, the search would be over. i'd know. i'd be content. i never want to be content. God is too big and too magnificent for me to be content. if i become content, i stop searching Him. i'd make myself believe that i knew everything there is to know about God. but no. i know so little. and i'm excited about spending the rest of my life still searching and craving to know him. i thirst for Him.
wow. i got side-tracked. that's what God does to me. He blows my mind. i begin searching Him and i cannot stop. i NEVER want to stop. but anyways...worth and purpose. yes. "A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies." well...how sweet. but that's a wife. i am not a wife yet. i am a woman of God. my favorite quote from Captivating says that "creation is incomplete without women." yes, true, God saw the earth and everything He made. and it was good. but still it was incomplete. He made women. without us, creation is incomplete. anytime i feel unworthy or just another person, God always reminds me of that. i am worthy. i am a daughter of the King.
"gaze into my eyes and let me know you'd fight thousands for my love. slip your hand in mine and ask me to dance tonight. just ask me for my love..." -Bethany Dillon
i love that. absolutely love that. God wants to romance us. He wants us to fall in love with Him and to know how much He so desperately loves us. not just loves. but looooooooves. God tells me every day. i am looooooved. go ahead. say it out loud. "God looooooooves me." if you don't tell yourself that right now, i'll call you up and tell you. God looooooooooooves you. passionately. desperately. you are loooooved.
so i don't see myself as being very wise. i mean i try. i could probably pretend to come off as wise. my mom always tells me that i was wise from the beginning. i was the little evangelist in our family. i'd take off down the beach giving out cheese its to people. sandy, dirty little hands and all. apparently my passion for feeding the poor started off when i was two. i just wanted to make sure no one was hungry. thank You lord i haven't lost sight of that passion. i should have known then You were going to use me to feed the hungry.
funny story, i also wanted to start a church when i was four. i wanted to call it "High Heavens Baptist Church." yet again, little evangelist here. crazy thing is i still want to start a church somewhere. i'm going to do it before i die. i'm adding that to my bucket list.
but wise. no. i try. i wish i knew all the answers to give someone. all i can do is pray for you. offer advice and words of encouragement that i've prayed God would give me. but i am not wise on my own.
and when it comes to dating. my goodness. i am blessed. blessed beyond words. i've been blessed by God to have an amazing boyfriend. to steal from Ben Folds, "all the wrong turns, stumbles and falls brought me here..." mark and i meeting each other was what i like to call a divine appointment. at the shotgun house, both of us were supposed to be standing in that kitchen. i was supposed to have a pancake in my mouth and telling my roommate that i needed some milk. mark was supposed to walk by and overhear my dumb comment. i still remember the look he gave me. i was so embarassed that a really good looking guy heard me say something incredibly stupid. he looked like he was almost in disbelief and maybe wonder that a girl would say that. but hey. it paid off right? no i usually dont talk with food in my mouth, thats disgusting. but i was just being silly. and thank God mark walked by. and that he actually found me later that night. we talked for about two hours on that front porch. we talked about everything.from a goofy movie to being pastor's kids to coldplay. i walked away that night and felt as though my life was about to change.
but although mark and i both desire to have the perfect relationship. we don't. and we never will. but to have a virtuous dating relationship is something we can only pursue. to have something that honors Christ in everything we do. to see Christ in each other's actions and words. i want mark to look at me and not see me at all but see Christ in me and through me. i want to be beautiful to him because of my passion and fire for Christ. i am so blessed to have someone who loves Christ with everything that he is. i love the fact that mark is so passionate for God. one of my favorite dates that we had was sitting on top of mark's car under a sky full of billions of stars and just sitting. not talking. not laughing. but sitting. and worshipping. taking God in with every breath.
this reminds me of beach camp a few years ago. our speaker, Marcus....Marcus something. i wish i could remember his last name but he was awesome. anways...he reminded us that we are to worship and praise God with all that we are. with every breath we breathe. so when we breathe in, we worship God. we take Him in. when we breathe out, we praise Him. we extol His name. breathe in. breathe out. constant worship and praise.
i love hearing about what God is doing in mark's life. i love the fact that mark prays for me. that he prays for my life apart from our life as a couple. mark prays for me and my daily walk with Christ. i woke up from a nap one day with an IM from mark that simply said, "good morning. i'm about to pray for you. look for a chance to share Christ with someone today." i will never forget that. mark always encourages me to look for a chance to share Christ.
i pray for mark and his passion for Christ. i pray for him several times a day. not only do i thank God for him but i pray that mark will feel God move in him constantly. that God will surround him and pour His love into his life. i pray that mark will be overwhelmed and left speechless by God. that his life will be constantly revolutionized by God. that he will learn new things every day. that his fire and his passion for God will never fade, even the slightest bit. i hope and pray with everything i am that mark will continue to search God. to thirst for Him. to never be content in where he is at. to always want to know more. mark doesn't know this but sometimes when we're hanging out or riding in the car, i'm praying to God for him. sometimes i'll squeeze his hand only to hint at him that i'm praying for him. i hope he gets that.
this may have been the longest blog i've ever written. but i dont care. i hope this helped someone to want to become a woman of God or to want to know how to be one. i'll do the best i can to help but remember i'm learning too. please, please please be praying for this retreat in february. i'm so very excited to be going to folly beach with my favorite high school girls. they're all amazing and i thank God for them every day.
i think i went every year i was in high school but this year is going to be different. i've been asked to help lead this retreat. today i received an email about the theme this year, "Virtuous Reality". our topics this year are hopefully going to help these high school girls to find out what it means to be a woman of God. our topics for the four sessions of the weekend are the Proverbs 31 woman (of course), a woman of worth and purpose, a woman of wisdom and virtuous dating. as i begin praying for each girl on this retreat and for God to prepare my heart to share with these girls, i realize that i must first find out what it really means to be a woman of God. to be the Proverbs 31 woman. to be a woman of worth and purpose. to be a woman of wisdom. and to have a virtuous dating relationship.
i think most Christian women can quote something from the Proverbs 31 woman passage. i know i can quote many verses from it. i strive to be that woman. although i am not married yet, i do hope my husband will have full confidence in me. i want to bring him good, not harm all the days of my life. i cannot wait to serve him. to bring him honor. and to serve Christ with him. that will be my greatest joy. to serve Christ along side my husband. my best friend.
this past Christmas Eve, my dad shared a devotion with my mom, my sister and i where he shared verses that he prays for us. the verses he shared for my mom were the verses from Proverbs 31. as he read them aloud, i saw how much he loves my mom. my mom is an amazing woman. a strong and passionate woman of God. i hope to be like her one day.
every one wants to be considered worthy and to know their purpose in life. i thought my purpose years ago was just to be a 5th grade teacher. but God has bigger plans. i'm going to be a revolutionary. a warrior for Christ. in June i'll be a missionary.
*side track - i just thought of my best friend Heather. i miss her. but while skiing a few weeks ago, heather and i were talking about Jesus coming back and the end of the world. we started talking about the battle that is mentioned in Revelations and Heather looks at me, and in all honesty says, "I hope i get a sword to fight some demons with." Jesus, thank You for my beautiful best friend and her spirit and fire for You.*
okay back to what i was saying. i've always known God valued me as worthy and had a purpose for my life. but He is slowly revealing His purpose for me. i'm so glad that i'm searching for it. He shows me bits and pieces of it daily. and its like unwrapping a present in slow motion. if God just emailed me and told me exactly what i'd be doing for the rest of my life, the search would be over. i'd know. i'd be content. i never want to be content. God is too big and too magnificent for me to be content. if i become content, i stop searching Him. i'd make myself believe that i knew everything there is to know about God. but no. i know so little. and i'm excited about spending the rest of my life still searching and craving to know him. i thirst for Him.
wow. i got side-tracked. that's what God does to me. He blows my mind. i begin searching Him and i cannot stop. i NEVER want to stop. but anyways...worth and purpose. yes. "A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies." well...how sweet. but that's a wife. i am not a wife yet. i am a woman of God. my favorite quote from Captivating says that "creation is incomplete without women." yes, true, God saw the earth and everything He made. and it was good. but still it was incomplete. He made women. without us, creation is incomplete. anytime i feel unworthy or just another person, God always reminds me of that. i am worthy. i am a daughter of the King.
"gaze into my eyes and let me know you'd fight thousands for my love. slip your hand in mine and ask me to dance tonight. just ask me for my love..." -Bethany Dillon
i love that. absolutely love that. God wants to romance us. He wants us to fall in love with Him and to know how much He so desperately loves us. not just loves. but looooooooves. God tells me every day. i am looooooved. go ahead. say it out loud. "God looooooooves me." if you don't tell yourself that right now, i'll call you up and tell you. God looooooooooooves you. passionately. desperately. you are loooooved.
so i don't see myself as being very wise. i mean i try. i could probably pretend to come off as wise. my mom always tells me that i was wise from the beginning. i was the little evangelist in our family. i'd take off down the beach giving out cheese its to people. sandy, dirty little hands and all. apparently my passion for feeding the poor started off when i was two. i just wanted to make sure no one was hungry. thank You lord i haven't lost sight of that passion. i should have known then You were going to use me to feed the hungry.
funny story, i also wanted to start a church when i was four. i wanted to call it "High Heavens Baptist Church." yet again, little evangelist here. crazy thing is i still want to start a church somewhere. i'm going to do it before i die. i'm adding that to my bucket list.
but wise. no. i try. i wish i knew all the answers to give someone. all i can do is pray for you. offer advice and words of encouragement that i've prayed God would give me. but i am not wise on my own.
and when it comes to dating. my goodness. i am blessed. blessed beyond words. i've been blessed by God to have an amazing boyfriend. to steal from Ben Folds, "all the wrong turns, stumbles and falls brought me here..." mark and i meeting each other was what i like to call a divine appointment. at the shotgun house, both of us were supposed to be standing in that kitchen. i was supposed to have a pancake in my mouth and telling my roommate that i needed some milk. mark was supposed to walk by and overhear my dumb comment. i still remember the look he gave me. i was so embarassed that a really good looking guy heard me say something incredibly stupid. he looked like he was almost in disbelief and maybe wonder that a girl would say that. but hey. it paid off right? no i usually dont talk with food in my mouth, thats disgusting. but i was just being silly. and thank God mark walked by. and that he actually found me later that night. we talked for about two hours on that front porch. we talked about everything.from a goofy movie to being pastor's kids to coldplay. i walked away that night and felt as though my life was about to change.
but although mark and i both desire to have the perfect relationship. we don't. and we never will. but to have a virtuous dating relationship is something we can only pursue. to have something that honors Christ in everything we do. to see Christ in each other's actions and words. i want mark to look at me and not see me at all but see Christ in me and through me. i want to be beautiful to him because of my passion and fire for Christ. i am so blessed to have someone who loves Christ with everything that he is. i love the fact that mark is so passionate for God. one of my favorite dates that we had was sitting on top of mark's car under a sky full of billions of stars and just sitting. not talking. not laughing. but sitting. and worshipping. taking God in with every breath.
this reminds me of beach camp a few years ago. our speaker, Marcus....Marcus something. i wish i could remember his last name but he was awesome. anways...he reminded us that we are to worship and praise God with all that we are. with every breath we breathe. so when we breathe in, we worship God. we take Him in. when we breathe out, we praise Him. we extol His name. breathe in. breathe out. constant worship and praise.
i love hearing about what God is doing in mark's life. i love the fact that mark prays for me. that he prays for my life apart from our life as a couple. mark prays for me and my daily walk with Christ. i woke up from a nap one day with an IM from mark that simply said, "good morning. i'm about to pray for you. look for a chance to share Christ with someone today." i will never forget that. mark always encourages me to look for a chance to share Christ.
i pray for mark and his passion for Christ. i pray for him several times a day. not only do i thank God for him but i pray that mark will feel God move in him constantly. that God will surround him and pour His love into his life. i pray that mark will be overwhelmed and left speechless by God. that his life will be constantly revolutionized by God. that he will learn new things every day. that his fire and his passion for God will never fade, even the slightest bit. i hope and pray with everything i am that mark will continue to search God. to thirst for Him. to never be content in where he is at. to always want to know more. mark doesn't know this but sometimes when we're hanging out or riding in the car, i'm praying to God for him. sometimes i'll squeeze his hand only to hint at him that i'm praying for him. i hope he gets that.
this may have been the longest blog i've ever written. but i dont care. i hope this helped someone to want to become a woman of God or to want to know how to be one. i'll do the best i can to help but remember i'm learning too. please, please please be praying for this retreat in february. i'm so very excited to be going to folly beach with my favorite high school girls. they're all amazing and i thank God for them every day.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
i need You to love me
Why are You still here with me? Didn't You see what I've done? In my shame I want to run and hide myself there. But its here I see the truth, I don't deserve You.
But I need You to love me. And I won't keep my heart from You this time. I'll stop this pretending that I can somehow deserve what I already have. I need You to love me.
I have wasted so much time pushing You away from me. I just never saw how You could cherish me because You're a God who has all things and still You want me.
I need You to love me. I won't keep my heart from You this time. I'll stop this pretending that I can somehow deserve what I already have.
Your love makes me forget what I have been. Your love makes me see who I really am. Your love makes me forget what I have been.
I need You to love me. I'll stop this pretending that I can somehow deserve what I already have. I need You to love me.
-BG
"But You are a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love..." Nehemiah 9:17
"Nothing can hinder the Lord from saving, whether by many or by few." 1 Samuel 14:6
"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." Romans 8:18
"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9
"For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to Him." 2 Chronicles 16:9
"My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to Your word." Psalm 119:28
"Strengthen the feeble hands, steady the knees that give way. Say to those with fearful hearts, 'Be strong. Do not fear. Your God will come, He will come with vengeance, with divine retribution. He will come to save you." Isaiah 35:3
"So do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
But I need You to love me. And I won't keep my heart from You this time. I'll stop this pretending that I can somehow deserve what I already have. I need You to love me.
I have wasted so much time pushing You away from me. I just never saw how You could cherish me because You're a God who has all things and still You want me.
I need You to love me. I won't keep my heart from You this time. I'll stop this pretending that I can somehow deserve what I already have.
Your love makes me forget what I have been. Your love makes me see who I really am. Your love makes me forget what I have been.
I need You to love me. I'll stop this pretending that I can somehow deserve what I already have. I need You to love me.
-BG
"But You are a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love..." Nehemiah 9:17
"Nothing can hinder the Lord from saving, whether by many or by few." 1 Samuel 14:6
"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." Romans 8:18
"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9
"For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to Him." 2 Chronicles 16:9
"My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to Your word." Psalm 119:28
"Strengthen the feeble hands, steady the knees that give way. Say to those with fearful hearts, 'Be strong. Do not fear. Your God will come, He will come with vengeance, with divine retribution. He will come to save you." Isaiah 35:3
"So do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
Thursday, January 10, 2008
oh the name of Jesus.
4 years.
4 years of praying. tears. reading. researching. more praying. more tears. more praying. finally i'm going. i'm going to Kenya. i leave June 8 and will return to the States on June 19. i have never been more excited but mostly scared out of my mind. absolutely terrified. to the point of tears.
"Father, please forgive me for I cannot compose the fear that lives within me or the rate at which it grows. Struggle has a purpose on the narrow road you've carved Why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar? Do they see the fear in my eyes? Are they so revealing? This time I cannot disguise all the doubt I'm feeling..." "what if i stumble?" - dc talk
yes that is dc talk. and i still listen to them. those few lines are my exact feelings right now. what if i stumble? what i don't get through to those who need to hear the good news? what if i arrive and i see the pain and the sorrow in their eyes and i freeze because i feel uncapable? unprepared? unworthy? what if i get to Kenya and my fear comes to rule me and i become silent? what if i don't express the message of Christ's love enough? too many what ifs...
i've known for 4 years that God was calling me...no He was making it absolutely clear to me that He wants me in Kenya. funny thing is He began to soften my heart for this aching country through a Marie Claire magazine. God surely does work in mysterious ways. i truly am excited about going but my fear and my nerves have become to wear me down. i refuse to let this happen. i cannot let this happen. i refuse to let myself grow silent. to let my excitement and my fire die. these past 4 years of growing and learning have been worth it. my dad reminded me this past weekend that sometimes the journey is really when you learn the most, not even on the actual trip that you've been preparing for. i may arrive in Kenya and realize that i am not called to work here but it was actually the growing and learning from God that has brought me to the place where i am.
tonight while riding in mark's car, i began to listen intensely to the words of "How Wonderful" by Leeland. at one part, Leeland sings "oh the name of Jesus..." over and over again. a calmness and peace swept me away. i heard God whisper "i love you. i love you. i love you." just by hearing this one part of the song, the name of Jesus brought a peace and helped to rekindle my fire. it amazes me that just by saying this holy name brings comfort to me. that is how powerful, how mind blowing Christ's love is. i felt mark's hand holding tight to mine and i realized that God was still holding my hand but stronger and tighter than anyone else could. He's never let go. even in my fear. in my doubt. in my stupid thoughts of stumbling...He has not let go of my hand. sometimes i think mark knows when i'm not in a good mood or when something is weighing on my mind, he always seems to grab hold of my hand at the perfect time. i believe this is God's way of me physically feeling His hand in mine. thank You God for mark and for what You've done in our lives.
i'm not saying my fear has subsided. or my thoughts of failure have been silenced. this is only the beginning. satan is going to do everything he can to tear me away and to dampen my fire for Kenya. i know God and the strength He provides is stronger than any fear or thought of failure but i am human. i am not completely fearless. i hope and pray that over the next few months i will learn to be. i want to arrive in Kenya completely on fire and unable to be silenced. i thank God for people like mark who listen to me and remind me that its okay to be scared as long as my faith and trust is in God. i know my trip will be amazing. my eyes will be opened. my ears will hear the stories that are told by the eyes of the ones i will meet. i will be moved in a way that i can find nowhere else. i'm scared but willing. i am hard pressed on every side but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair; persecuted but not abandoned; struck down but not destroyed. i am ready. scared out of my mind. absolutely terrified. but ready.
I hear you whispering my name ..."My love for you will never change"
oh the name of Jesus...
4 years of praying. tears. reading. researching. more praying. more tears. more praying. finally i'm going. i'm going to Kenya. i leave June 8 and will return to the States on June 19. i have never been more excited but mostly scared out of my mind. absolutely terrified. to the point of tears.
"Father, please forgive me for I cannot compose the fear that lives within me or the rate at which it grows. Struggle has a purpose on the narrow road you've carved Why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar? Do they see the fear in my eyes? Are they so revealing? This time I cannot disguise all the doubt I'm feeling..." "what if i stumble?" - dc talk
yes that is dc talk. and i still listen to them. those few lines are my exact feelings right now. what if i stumble? what i don't get through to those who need to hear the good news? what if i arrive and i see the pain and the sorrow in their eyes and i freeze because i feel uncapable? unprepared? unworthy? what if i get to Kenya and my fear comes to rule me and i become silent? what if i don't express the message of Christ's love enough? too many what ifs...
i've known for 4 years that God was calling me...no He was making it absolutely clear to me that He wants me in Kenya. funny thing is He began to soften my heart for this aching country through a Marie Claire magazine. God surely does work in mysterious ways. i truly am excited about going but my fear and my nerves have become to wear me down. i refuse to let this happen. i cannot let this happen. i refuse to let myself grow silent. to let my excitement and my fire die. these past 4 years of growing and learning have been worth it. my dad reminded me this past weekend that sometimes the journey is really when you learn the most, not even on the actual trip that you've been preparing for. i may arrive in Kenya and realize that i am not called to work here but it was actually the growing and learning from God that has brought me to the place where i am.
tonight while riding in mark's car, i began to listen intensely to the words of "How Wonderful" by Leeland. at one part, Leeland sings "oh the name of Jesus..." over and over again. a calmness and peace swept me away. i heard God whisper "i love you. i love you. i love you." just by hearing this one part of the song, the name of Jesus brought a peace and helped to rekindle my fire. it amazes me that just by saying this holy name brings comfort to me. that is how powerful, how mind blowing Christ's love is. i felt mark's hand holding tight to mine and i realized that God was still holding my hand but stronger and tighter than anyone else could. He's never let go. even in my fear. in my doubt. in my stupid thoughts of stumbling...He has not let go of my hand. sometimes i think mark knows when i'm not in a good mood or when something is weighing on my mind, he always seems to grab hold of my hand at the perfect time. i believe this is God's way of me physically feeling His hand in mine. thank You God for mark and for what You've done in our lives.
i'm not saying my fear has subsided. or my thoughts of failure have been silenced. this is only the beginning. satan is going to do everything he can to tear me away and to dampen my fire for Kenya. i know God and the strength He provides is stronger than any fear or thought of failure but i am human. i am not completely fearless. i hope and pray that over the next few months i will learn to be. i want to arrive in Kenya completely on fire and unable to be silenced. i thank God for people like mark who listen to me and remind me that its okay to be scared as long as my faith and trust is in God. i know my trip will be amazing. my eyes will be opened. my ears will hear the stories that are told by the eyes of the ones i will meet. i will be moved in a way that i can find nowhere else. i'm scared but willing. i am hard pressed on every side but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair; persecuted but not abandoned; struck down but not destroyed. i am ready. scared out of my mind. absolutely terrified. but ready.
I hear you whispering my name ..."My love for you will never change"
oh the name of Jesus...
Sunday, January 6, 2008
you belong to Me
blessed -divinely or supremely favored; fortunate; blissfully happy or contented.
this definition, provided by dictionary.com thank you very much, fits me perfectly. i am blessed. blessed beyond words. beyond emotion. my smile and tears of joy do not even come to close to what i feel. as i sit here with my piece of pizza, tall glass of sweet lemonade and my new favorite cd playing in the background (Sara Bareilles "Little Voice" go buy it or go home.), i realize that my blessings have only begun. this is only the beginning.
"Jabez called out to the God of Israel, 'Oh that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let Your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain.' And God granted his request..." 1 Chronicles 4:10
before one can recieve the blessings, one must surrender. surrender and give up control of your life. your life is not yours to call your own. your life is God's to use to share His love and to bring glory to His name. but you must surrender to Him and His love for you. and with surrender comes the blessings. God rewards those who take positive daily steps in His direction. december 7th 2007, while driving home, i threw myself a pity party because i though this Christmas break was going to suck. no...more than just suck. i was going to be completely away from my best friend, from my other half. it was going to be nothing more than a miserable holiday, that for once in my life, i wasn't in the mood for. but two days later, i cried out to God in my car. i hated the fact that i had only been home for two days and i was already miserable. i was scared. so scared and confused. i had never been that way. when i had problems with a guy, i never held on. i let go because it wasn't worth my time. but now i had held on for all i had in me. something was different. i was being held without chains.
finally through the tears i cried, i surrendered everything to God, asking Him to take complete control of me. to show me what he wants for me. separate from all relationships i have. i want to know His love song for me. i want to know His plan for me. i need to know this. it is vital in order for me to survive in this world. so by the grace of God, all my miserable thoughts were cleared away. the rain had finally come to a stop and the blessings began. the right doors were open once i completely surrendered control. on my own, away from my best friend, i had to grow.
grace is free. salvation is free. spritual growth is not.
weeks later on December 21, part of God's plan for my life was revealed to me. on december 27th, i recieved the best Christmas present i could ever ask for. after 4 months of prayer and faith, my best friend and i finally recieved God's blessing to be together. it sounds so silly but i became a girlfriend. i have a boyfriend who still leaves me speechless with his reckless love and faith in Christ.*and trust me. if you're laughing i really don't care. because 1. im laughing at myself. and 2. i'll be laughing when you realize your boyfriend is extremely lame when it comes to mine. there is no comparison to him*
since that day, it has been nothing but a blessing. a blessing to wake up in the morning and know, without a doubt, that i am loved. loved in a way i thought i had before, but that was not love. that was far from it. now i am in loved in a way so deep and so passionate that i could never trade it for anything in this world. i know that when my world is a mess and to steal a quote from The Fray, "when my city spins around" i know who i can run to. i have someone who will hold me in his arms and reassure me that i am okay. that God is in control. i am constantly encouraged in my daily walk with Christ and i am loved for me. for what i am. for what i was created by God to be. it feels so good. to know that i was created for someone. that i now belong with someone. i am his and he is mine.
but all the more...i am still me. i thank God with all that i am that i have someone who has not let me lose sight of what i am. mom and i talked today about how sometimes in a relationship, one person is lost in the shadow of another and they are forgotten. i praise God that this will never happen to me. i will not be lost in the shadow. my other half has only helped me to further pursue God's will for my life, apart from our life together. i can create my own shadow where i pray to God no one will ever stand. i refuse to let that happen. although i know who i belong with, i know who i belong to. i am child of the King. i belong to Him. no one else will ever have my love. my fire. my passion for my King. He has rescued me over and over again. when things are not going right, when i feel all the world is against me, i can hold on to the knowledge that i am rescued. that i am saved by grace. i hear God quietly whisper "you belong to Me." praise God. praise God with all that i am and with all that is in me. i belong to Him.
"Into Your hands, I commit my spirit. Redeem me, O Lord, the God of truth...You have not handed me over to the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place." Psalm 31:5 &8
this definition, provided by dictionary.com thank you very much, fits me perfectly. i am blessed. blessed beyond words. beyond emotion. my smile and tears of joy do not even come to close to what i feel. as i sit here with my piece of pizza, tall glass of sweet lemonade and my new favorite cd playing in the background (Sara Bareilles "Little Voice" go buy it or go home.), i realize that my blessings have only begun. this is only the beginning.
"Jabez called out to the God of Israel, 'Oh that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let Your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain.' And God granted his request..." 1 Chronicles 4:10
before one can recieve the blessings, one must surrender. surrender and give up control of your life. your life is not yours to call your own. your life is God's to use to share His love and to bring glory to His name. but you must surrender to Him and His love for you. and with surrender comes the blessings. God rewards those who take positive daily steps in His direction. december 7th 2007, while driving home, i threw myself a pity party because i though this Christmas break was going to suck. no...more than just suck. i was going to be completely away from my best friend, from my other half. it was going to be nothing more than a miserable holiday, that for once in my life, i wasn't in the mood for. but two days later, i cried out to God in my car. i hated the fact that i had only been home for two days and i was already miserable. i was scared. so scared and confused. i had never been that way. when i had problems with a guy, i never held on. i let go because it wasn't worth my time. but now i had held on for all i had in me. something was different. i was being held without chains.
finally through the tears i cried, i surrendered everything to God, asking Him to take complete control of me. to show me what he wants for me. separate from all relationships i have. i want to know His love song for me. i want to know His plan for me. i need to know this. it is vital in order for me to survive in this world. so by the grace of God, all my miserable thoughts were cleared away. the rain had finally come to a stop and the blessings began. the right doors were open once i completely surrendered control. on my own, away from my best friend, i had to grow.
grace is free. salvation is free. spritual growth is not.
weeks later on December 21, part of God's plan for my life was revealed to me. on december 27th, i recieved the best Christmas present i could ever ask for. after 4 months of prayer and faith, my best friend and i finally recieved God's blessing to be together. it sounds so silly but i became a girlfriend. i have a boyfriend who still leaves me speechless with his reckless love and faith in Christ.*and trust me. if you're laughing i really don't care. because 1. im laughing at myself. and 2. i'll be laughing when you realize your boyfriend is extremely lame when it comes to mine. there is no comparison to him*
since that day, it has been nothing but a blessing. a blessing to wake up in the morning and know, without a doubt, that i am loved. loved in a way i thought i had before, but that was not love. that was far from it. now i am in loved in a way so deep and so passionate that i could never trade it for anything in this world. i know that when my world is a mess and to steal a quote from The Fray, "when my city spins around" i know who i can run to. i have someone who will hold me in his arms and reassure me that i am okay. that God is in control. i am constantly encouraged in my daily walk with Christ and i am loved for me. for what i am. for what i was created by God to be. it feels so good. to know that i was created for someone. that i now belong with someone. i am his and he is mine.
but all the more...i am still me. i thank God with all that i am that i have someone who has not let me lose sight of what i am. mom and i talked today about how sometimes in a relationship, one person is lost in the shadow of another and they are forgotten. i praise God that this will never happen to me. i will not be lost in the shadow. my other half has only helped me to further pursue God's will for my life, apart from our life together. i can create my own shadow where i pray to God no one will ever stand. i refuse to let that happen. although i know who i belong with, i know who i belong to. i am child of the King. i belong to Him. no one else will ever have my love. my fire. my passion for my King. He has rescued me over and over again. when things are not going right, when i feel all the world is against me, i can hold on to the knowledge that i am rescued. that i am saved by grace. i hear God quietly whisper "you belong to Me." praise God. praise God with all that i am and with all that is in me. i belong to Him.
"Into Your hands, I commit my spirit. Redeem me, O Lord, the God of truth...You have not handed me over to the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place." Psalm 31:5 &8
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