it's hard to let go.
we grow up. and grow apart. everyone does. i'm not afraid to do it. i pretty much don't have a choice. but it's hard to let go of those who you so badly want to grow up with you. i've never understood why i can't just drag them along with me. but they aren't a puppet that i can control. i can't tell them what to do and certainly what not to do. besides, i doubt they'd listen. but you know, deep down, this person isn't the person they've always been. you've seen them differently before. it's like you want to shake them until they wake up from this nightmare of an imposter they've become. desperately begging for them to wake up. wake up. please, please. just wake up.
but is there really only so much you can do?
i hate feeling helpless. it drains me emotionally, physically, spiritually. it literally makes my stomach turn and it brings frustrated tears that never seem to cease. i put my head in my hands and weep. sitting on the side of my bed and just weep. or worse, being filled with grief that you collapse on the floor and just lay there. i just want to be held close. to hear soothing whispers reminding me i'm loved and that nothing is in my total control. disgustingly compassionate people need encouragement too you know.
i've never wanted to turn my back on anyone. i can't forget people. their laughs. that's what always sticks close.
my strength has become my weakness. compassion. it's almost annoying -- even to me. i so desperately want to just forget it and let them take care of themselves. they're old enough anyways. but then my weakness quietly speaks and begs me not to turn away. but then i analyze my choices. i can't just turn my back on them. someone that i love very deeply asked me if i thought Paul ever questioned himself when Christ showed up and broke into his life. did Paul ever wonder if he was doing the right thing when he turned away from all that was bringing him down? here's your answer - i highly doubt it.
being a compassionate person makes me want to rescue everyone. [i always threaten to bring home stray dogs that i find. mark returns the threat with "i'll kill them."] but i can't rescue anyone. i'm the one who needs rescue more than anything right now. i'd gladly welcome Christ Himself to sit on my futon, put His feet up on my coffee table and tell me what to do. i'd gladly listen and do what He says. He is perfect you know.
i can't just turn away and say forget it. i can't. i'd be breaking my own heart. sometimes i wonder if anyone could ever understand my heart. i know i can't rescue anyone. it's not my job to do so but its my conviction to try. with God's wisdom and strength, i want to try. i wonder if anyone turned away from Paul when he tried to tell them what Christ did for him. they probably thought he was crazy. or hopefully, someone listened and took up his cross and followed Christ.
it's harder to grow up and let go than i thought it would be.
i just want to be lonely tonight. just me and my Maker in this cool moonlight. with no one around to see this sight of me lying here. because this is the hardest thing i've ever done before. i don't want to be lonely. i won't be lonely tonight. because my Maker's holding me. -MW
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
exodus.
it's terrifying when you realize you're growing up. maybe you're already older than you look. maybe you're younger than you look. but obviously, everyone has to grow up.
it's like leaving your....what? childhood? no real responsibilities? blank word that i cannot think of? you can't look back. you can't pretend it's not happening. you're awakening to it. you're growing up. usually, this hits someone when they are on the brink of something major in their life.
hello. my name is lauren and i am on the brink of something huge in my life.
and in steps decisions. life decisions. i'm not making sense. i don't care. i can't sleep.
it's just so funny when you think you've got a plan laid out and everything is just perfect. but God being an unpredictable God reminds us that our plans are not His. His plans are far too good to let us be in charge of them. so of course, we hit a fork in the road. left. or right. or left. or right.
i want nothing more in life than to bring glory to God and to marry mark. but it's so hard having to comprise. i wanted to marry mark at christmas time 2009. i have this vision of me, in a beautiful maggie sorttero dress covered in lace, walking down the aisle on the arm of my dad. mark is waiting for me at the end with this huge smile on his face. white candles are everywhere dimly lighting the sanctuary creating an intimate atmosphere. my bridesmaids (still not sure who they are...) are standing on the steps in deep red dresses that match my deep red rose bouquet. they're holding one lilly with a white sash tied around it. the sanctuary is decorated with its annual christmas decorations that i adore. and i'm getting married.
dad and i talked the other night about sometimes we don't always get what we want and sometimes we have to make sacrifices to see the big picture. unfortunately, he's so right. gah, i hate when he's right. the best part about getting married is that i'm marrying mark. this time last year, i didn't even know what was going to happen with us. i loved him, he secretly loved me but we were too stubborn to lay our pride aside and admit it. and now i'm still blown away to think how the golden child from atlanta ended up in at a small christian college in south carolina and fell in love with a quirky goofball from a small town down the road. so i guess my rambling and nonsense have brought me to the solution - seeing the whole picture.
of our thousands of decisions, what's best for the both of us? is it best to wait until after i graduate? where are we going to live? are we capable of surviving paycheck to paycheck? am i being selfish? are we going to have cable? should i sell my 47 purses? am i going to be there enough to take care of him? what if i have to work all the time for the first few months and i never get to actually be married to him? are we trusting God enough or are we still wanting some control? why isn't this easier? i am however finally able to say that i am willing to give up my christmas dream wedding. just marrying mark is way beyond worth it. i must remember that God is in control. He is control. I am not in control. I am safe. protected. trusting. i'm waiting. and waiting. and waiting. i need God's email address. or a sticky note would be awesome.
Dear Lauren,
This is my plan for you.
[Insert plan here.]
You are loved.
Love, Your Almighty Father.
it's like leaving your....what? childhood? no real responsibilities? blank word that i cannot think of? you can't look back. you can't pretend it's not happening. you're awakening to it. you're growing up. usually, this hits someone when they are on the brink of something major in their life.
hello. my name is lauren and i am on the brink of something huge in my life.
and in steps decisions. life decisions. i'm not making sense. i don't care. i can't sleep.
it's just so funny when you think you've got a plan laid out and everything is just perfect. but God being an unpredictable God reminds us that our plans are not His. His plans are far too good to let us be in charge of them. so of course, we hit a fork in the road. left. or right. or left. or right.
i want nothing more in life than to bring glory to God and to marry mark. but it's so hard having to comprise. i wanted to marry mark at christmas time 2009. i have this vision of me, in a beautiful maggie sorttero dress covered in lace, walking down the aisle on the arm of my dad. mark is waiting for me at the end with this huge smile on his face. white candles are everywhere dimly lighting the sanctuary creating an intimate atmosphere. my bridesmaids (still not sure who they are...) are standing on the steps in deep red dresses that match my deep red rose bouquet. they're holding one lilly with a white sash tied around it. the sanctuary is decorated with its annual christmas decorations that i adore. and i'm getting married.
dad and i talked the other night about sometimes we don't always get what we want and sometimes we have to make sacrifices to see the big picture. unfortunately, he's so right. gah, i hate when he's right. the best part about getting married is that i'm marrying mark. this time last year, i didn't even know what was going to happen with us. i loved him, he secretly loved me but we were too stubborn to lay our pride aside and admit it. and now i'm still blown away to think how the golden child from atlanta ended up in at a small christian college in south carolina and fell in love with a quirky goofball from a small town down the road. so i guess my rambling and nonsense have brought me to the solution - seeing the whole picture.
of our thousands of decisions, what's best for the both of us? is it best to wait until after i graduate? where are we going to live? are we capable of surviving paycheck to paycheck? am i being selfish? are we going to have cable? should i sell my 47 purses? am i going to be there enough to take care of him? what if i have to work all the time for the first few months and i never get to actually be married to him? are we trusting God enough or are we still wanting some control? why isn't this easier? i am however finally able to say that i am willing to give up my christmas dream wedding. just marrying mark is way beyond worth it. i must remember that God is in control. He is control. I am not in control. I am safe. protected. trusting. i'm waiting. and waiting. and waiting. i need God's email address. or a sticky note would be awesome.
Dear Lauren,
This is my plan for you.
[Insert plan here.]
You are loved.
Love, Your Almighty Father.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
in this dark so dense, we talk so soft.
mark came over tonight and fell asleep on my bed while i worked on my futon. my sheets smell like him. it makes me all the more excited to marry him. i think that excitement increases every second. it makes me dream of being married to him and the things i want us to accomplish together.
things i can't wait to do and things i will do when i'm mrs. mark mcminn:
1. have a candlelight picnic in our living room with hardwood floors.
2. fall asleep wearing his t-shirt.
3. lay in bed late at night and talk. about things that matter.
4. have dinner waiting for him when he walks in from work.
5. wake up in the morning and see him laying beside me with sunlight streaming across his face.
6. in his words - lay my head in his lap, listen to jazz music and watch the sparks rise from the fire in our fireplace.
7. spend Christmas in New York.
8. raise our children to be God-fearing children.
9. lay in bed and eat ice cream. 100 calorie ice cream bars.
10. make cookies for Christmas time.
11. take as many pictures of mark and our children as possible.
12. have one dog at a time.
13. look up from the dinner table and catch mark looking at me.
14. wake our kids up in the middle of the night, bundle them up, hand them a mug of hot chocolate and go outside and watch the stars.
15. take weekend trips away.
16. hear mark introduce me as his wife.
17. feel his feet against mine in the middle of the night.
18. hear his laugh whenever i want.
19. be with him and his family on holidays.
20. travel to northern california with him
21. paint a room in the middle of the night.
22. have a marriage that brings glory to God.
23. text each other during the day to see when we're coming home for dinner
24. see his laundry mixed in with mine.
25. go out on dates :)
26. move from our first house into our second
27. when we actually decide to have kids, announce to everyone that we're having a baby.
28. get tattoos together.
29. be out running errands together and feel him put his hand in mine.
30. change my relationship status to "married" and change my name to Lauren Kirby McMinn
31. go on trips for our anniversary
32. buy gifts for each other.
33. see the Christmas tree being lit at Rockefeller Center
34. go to concerts together
35. lay in bed and read
36. watch him preach every Sunday morning
37. nap together every Friday afternoon
38. cook him breakfast. lunch. and dinner.
39. lay in the floor of our living room or sit in the floor of his office and talk.
40. feel his heart beat when he's holding me close.
41. get really, really tickled together.
42. pick up the phone whenever his mom calls
43. have a little boy who looks and acts just like him
44. see his toothbrush beside mine. (is that weird?)
45. call things "ours"
46. go shopping together.
47. steal his clothes.
48. have dinner dates with wil ray and whitney.
49. hear him moving around the house late at night or early in the morning.
50. wake up in the morning and catch him watching me sleep.
51. hiding the remote from him so he can't watch espn 24/7
52. move into our first house together.
53. decorate our christmas tree together
54. play hooky.
55. get in arguments. me cry. and then us apologize to each other and then laugh at how dumb we are.
56. organize our house.
57. go to downtown atlanta for dinner.
58. decorate the house for birthdays.
59. lay in bed with the windows open listening to the rain.
60. have jazz music playing while we cook together.
61. beg him for more dogs but laugh when he says no every time.
62. come home from a bad day and find he filled a bubble bath for me.
63. fall asleep while he works and feel him crawl into bed with me.
64. walk into the living room and find him asleep on the couch with one of our kids.
65. feel him cover me up with a blanket when i'm cold.
66. pretend like we're still in college and go away on a "spring break"
67. take our kids to see the Nutcracker every Christmas
68. work in the yard.
69. finally getting a mac for my birthday or Christmas
70. hearing him talk to our children about God and His love for us
71. go to asheville for the day.
72. take our kids shopping for back to school supplies.
73. naming our son Phillip
74. calling him throughout the day to tell him what hilarious things our kids have done.
75. find notes he's left for me all over the house.
76. take a spur of the moment road trip.
77. visit colleges with our kids.
78. hearing him read to our children.
79. surprising him with tickets to a UGA football game or Braves game
80. fall more and more in love with him every day
81. holding hands.
82. him letting me stick my toes under his feet when im cold.
83. playing out in the snow.
84. him coming home for lunch when our children are little.
85. still learning and studying him after years of being married.
86. getting so mad at him that i can't see straight.
87. talking to his mom for hours.
88. leaving him notes in his car and briefcase.
89. hearing him say my name.
90. still being in love after years of being married.
91. stealing his hoodies when i'm cold.
92. having our house smell like him
93. lighting candles at night.
94. seeing a wedding band on my left hand.
95. complaining to him about a bad day and then him making me laugh
96. fighting over the middle of the bed and the covers during the night.
97. seeing his bed-head hair whenever he wakes up from a nap.
98. teaching our puppy new tricks.
99. still wondering after 50 years of being married why God blessed me with such an incredible husband.
100. being married to mark mcminn.
things i can't wait to do and things i will do when i'm mrs. mark mcminn:
1. have a candlelight picnic in our living room with hardwood floors.
2. fall asleep wearing his t-shirt.
3. lay in bed late at night and talk. about things that matter.
4. have dinner waiting for him when he walks in from work.
5. wake up in the morning and see him laying beside me with sunlight streaming across his face.
6. in his words - lay my head in his lap, listen to jazz music and watch the sparks rise from the fire in our fireplace.
7. spend Christmas in New York.
8. raise our children to be God-fearing children.
9. lay in bed and eat ice cream. 100 calorie ice cream bars.
10. make cookies for Christmas time.
11. take as many pictures of mark and our children as possible.
12. have one dog at a time.
13. look up from the dinner table and catch mark looking at me.
14. wake our kids up in the middle of the night, bundle them up, hand them a mug of hot chocolate and go outside and watch the stars.
15. take weekend trips away.
16. hear mark introduce me as his wife.
17. feel his feet against mine in the middle of the night.
18. hear his laugh whenever i want.
19. be with him and his family on holidays.
20. travel to northern california with him
21. paint a room in the middle of the night.
22. have a marriage that brings glory to God.
23. text each other during the day to see when we're coming home for dinner
24. see his laundry mixed in with mine.
25. go out on dates :)
26. move from our first house into our second
27. when we actually decide to have kids, announce to everyone that we're having a baby.
28. get tattoos together.
29. be out running errands together and feel him put his hand in mine.
30. change my relationship status to "married" and change my name to Lauren Kirby McMinn
31. go on trips for our anniversary
32. buy gifts for each other.
33. see the Christmas tree being lit at Rockefeller Center
34. go to concerts together
35. lay in bed and read
36. watch him preach every Sunday morning
37. nap together every Friday afternoon
38. cook him breakfast. lunch. and dinner.
39. lay in the floor of our living room or sit in the floor of his office and talk.
40. feel his heart beat when he's holding me close.
41. get really, really tickled together.
42. pick up the phone whenever his mom calls
43. have a little boy who looks and acts just like him
44. see his toothbrush beside mine. (is that weird?)
45. call things "ours"
46. go shopping together.
47. steal his clothes.
48. have dinner dates with wil ray and whitney.
49. hear him moving around the house late at night or early in the morning.
50. wake up in the morning and catch him watching me sleep.
51. hiding the remote from him so he can't watch espn 24/7
52. move into our first house together.
53. decorate our christmas tree together
54. play hooky.
55. get in arguments. me cry. and then us apologize to each other and then laugh at how dumb we are.
56. organize our house.
57. go to downtown atlanta for dinner.
58. decorate the house for birthdays.
59. lay in bed with the windows open listening to the rain.
60. have jazz music playing while we cook together.
61. beg him for more dogs but laugh when he says no every time.
62. come home from a bad day and find he filled a bubble bath for me.
63. fall asleep while he works and feel him crawl into bed with me.
64. walk into the living room and find him asleep on the couch with one of our kids.
65. feel him cover me up with a blanket when i'm cold.
66. pretend like we're still in college and go away on a "spring break"
67. take our kids to see the Nutcracker every Christmas
68. work in the yard.
69. finally getting a mac for my birthday or Christmas
70. hearing him talk to our children about God and His love for us
71. go to asheville for the day.
72. take our kids shopping for back to school supplies.
73. naming our son Phillip
74. calling him throughout the day to tell him what hilarious things our kids have done.
75. find notes he's left for me all over the house.
76. take a spur of the moment road trip.
77. visit colleges with our kids.
78. hearing him read to our children.
79. surprising him with tickets to a UGA football game or Braves game
80. fall more and more in love with him every day
81. holding hands.
82. him letting me stick my toes under his feet when im cold.
83. playing out in the snow.
84. him coming home for lunch when our children are little.
85. still learning and studying him after years of being married.
86. getting so mad at him that i can't see straight.
87. talking to his mom for hours.
88. leaving him notes in his car and briefcase.
89. hearing him say my name.
90. still being in love after years of being married.
91. stealing his hoodies when i'm cold.
92. having our house smell like him
93. lighting candles at night.
94. seeing a wedding band on my left hand.
95. complaining to him about a bad day and then him making me laugh
96. fighting over the middle of the bed and the covers during the night.
97. seeing his bed-head hair whenever he wakes up from a nap.
98. teaching our puppy new tricks.
99. still wondering after 50 years of being married why God blessed me with such an incredible husband.
100. being married to mark mcminn.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
breathe in. breathe out.
i have never been more confused in my life. all that i thought was right now seems to be completely wrong. things are not making sense to me and i dont understand why. i always had the desire to teach but every lesson plan, every education class and every education majors meeting makes my stomach turn. the thought of me teaching seems so absurd and almost hilarious. and WHY now? WHY not 2 years ago? why does it all have to fall apart now?
i've got a few decisons to make. but oh they are not light. the next decisions i have to make could determine my career, my financial situation and what will happen to me for the next two years. i feel pulled in almost every direction. which one is right?
to be honest, i do not care to hear any one's opinion on why i should stay in the education program. this is not the time for someone to "encourage" me in the education program. because those of you wanting to say those things to me are probably getting ready to graduate or you are going to be an incredible teacher who has always had the creative mind for lesson plans. and take no offense please when i say i don't want to hear your opinion. now is just not the time.
i laid in bed last night completely under my covers desperate for a moment of peace. for five minutes i prayed that i could just...have...five...minutes. of nothing. no decisions. no doubts. no thoughts. no noise. just five minutes. that's all i wanted.
i finally made it to sleep with my pillow wet from where i had cried so hard. it was that cry where you long to be wrapped in someone's arms and just held close. to feel reassurance. serenity.
when i woke up this morning, my soccer player teddy bear from my sister was laying beside me. i forgot to move it down to the end of my bed where it usually sits while i sleep. when i was younger i used to sleep with five or six stuffed animals at night because i was afraid i'd hurt one's feelings. here is where my compassion as a child could be seen as vomit. now i see that my compassion and desire to please everyone could still be seen as vomit.
you know in the movies when a character is struggling with a huge internal conflict they always seem to go stand in the shower (i.e. every movie on Lifetime)? i tried that today. almost as an escape for a few minutes. but of course, some people, including me, get their "best" ideas in the shower. so my escape was just another few minutes to think. mark asked me last night what i wanted to do with my life. when i thought of that today i laughed because i was reminded of that scene in the notebook when Noah asks Allie what she wanted- him, her long, lost love of a summer 7 years before or rich, handsome, army Lon. he didn't want her to please anyone else but herself. it was that assertive "WHAT do you WANT?" mark is my Noah.
i want to look back and know that what i've done was more than enough. that i didn't settle for a mediocre life just to please someone else. that i did what was right. for me.
so right now i know only a few things i want. to glorify God in absolutely everything i do. to marry mark and serve God alongside him. to be a mom and drive my kids to their soccer games and dance classes. to remember that i am loved. i am still breathing.
i've got a few decisons to make. but oh they are not light. the next decisions i have to make could determine my career, my financial situation and what will happen to me for the next two years. i feel pulled in almost every direction. which one is right?
to be honest, i do not care to hear any one's opinion on why i should stay in the education program. this is not the time for someone to "encourage" me in the education program. because those of you wanting to say those things to me are probably getting ready to graduate or you are going to be an incredible teacher who has always had the creative mind for lesson plans. and take no offense please when i say i don't want to hear your opinion. now is just not the time.
i laid in bed last night completely under my covers desperate for a moment of peace. for five minutes i prayed that i could just...have...five...minutes. of nothing. no decisions. no doubts. no thoughts. no noise. just five minutes. that's all i wanted.
i finally made it to sleep with my pillow wet from where i had cried so hard. it was that cry where you long to be wrapped in someone's arms and just held close. to feel reassurance. serenity.
when i woke up this morning, my soccer player teddy bear from my sister was laying beside me. i forgot to move it down to the end of my bed where it usually sits while i sleep. when i was younger i used to sleep with five or six stuffed animals at night because i was afraid i'd hurt one's feelings. here is where my compassion as a child could be seen as vomit. now i see that my compassion and desire to please everyone could still be seen as vomit.
you know in the movies when a character is struggling with a huge internal conflict they always seem to go stand in the shower (i.e. every movie on Lifetime)? i tried that today. almost as an escape for a few minutes. but of course, some people, including me, get their "best" ideas in the shower. so my escape was just another few minutes to think. mark asked me last night what i wanted to do with my life. when i thought of that today i laughed because i was reminded of that scene in the notebook when Noah asks Allie what she wanted- him, her long, lost love of a summer 7 years before or rich, handsome, army Lon. he didn't want her to please anyone else but herself. it was that assertive "WHAT do you WANT?" mark is my Noah.
i want to look back and know that what i've done was more than enough. that i didn't settle for a mediocre life just to please someone else. that i did what was right. for me.
so right now i know only a few things i want. to glorify God in absolutely everything i do. to marry mark and serve God alongside him. to be a mom and drive my kids to their soccer games and dance classes. to remember that i am loved. i am still breathing.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
be near me when i've given up.
i need to be reminded of who i was when i took that first step out the door.
all i said now follows me around. i'm reminded i'm not like that anymore.
i uprooted and miles behind me are the faces and the home i love.
You've brought to my attention i'm slowly changing
and becoming what i wanted to stop.
isn't that just like a finite mind? setting out with such righteous indignation.
but now i'm at Your feet.
could You look at me with some imagination?
the bush before me, i slip my sandals off.
i only stopped to look in the depths of the sea, in the midst of a great storm.
and i run from You.
and isn't that just like a finite mind setting out with such righteous indignation
but now i'm at Your feet.
could You look at me with some imagination?
so remind me why You woke me up and why You wake me every morning.
the staff in my hand, held in by Your love. just stay close, stay close.
because i know my own mind. i set out with righteous indignation.
but when i'm at Your feet please, please look at me with some imagination.
all i said now follows me around. i'm reminded i'm not like that anymore.
i uprooted and miles behind me are the faces and the home i love.
You've brought to my attention i'm slowly changing
and becoming what i wanted to stop.
isn't that just like a finite mind? setting out with such righteous indignation.
but now i'm at Your feet.
could You look at me with some imagination?
the bush before me, i slip my sandals off.
i only stopped to look in the depths of the sea, in the midst of a great storm.
and i run from You.
and isn't that just like a finite mind setting out with such righteous indignation
but now i'm at Your feet.
could You look at me with some imagination?
so remind me why You woke me up and why You wake me every morning.
the staff in my hand, held in by Your love. just stay close, stay close.
because i know my own mind. i set out with righteous indignation.
but when i'm at Your feet please, please look at me with some imagination.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
distractions.
i leave for Kenya in a week. i've waited for 4 years. and now it comes down to one week.
a few nights ago i had a group meeting with everyone going on the Kenya trip. our leader was reminding us to cling to the Father this week because everything that could go wrong will probably go wrong. hey guess what...it has.
its so funny how the smallest thing can just get to me. a comment or a facial expression- anything that doesn't matter, does matter. more than it should. and i HATE it.
i realized that my fears have been taken out on others things. and people. things and people that i have reassurance and promises in. people that i know will be around forever. i may take my fears out on them and i'm sorry. he knows who he is. thank you for being my human emotional punching bag.
friday, the day after the meeting, i came across something that still rubs me wrong. i realized that people i'm not even around anymore still manage to get under my skin. and they do it so well. i noticed that i started calling them out on their faults. how they aren't being original and REAL. the person they are portraying isn't someone i've ever seen before. and i've known them for years.
it just feels like satan has sent his demons to distract me and turn my focus on everything else but this trip. the fact that next week i'll be in the right place at the right time. the children that i'll fall in love with. im so caught up in the packing. and what to wear. and how many skirts do i need to take. i can't forget to update my iPod and charge it fully. i'm absolutely terrified of flying. thanks to pointless shows like LOST. i have never flown before and in the words of my one and only love, "i'm wigging out." and i can't forget to buy a few more memory cards for the 65287 pictures that i'll be taking while i'm in Kenya and...
deep breaths. in and out. exhale. inhale.
i broke down today at church. it wasn't like a few tears running down my face. it was like black tears from my mascara. i don't know why i lost it. i needed someone to hold my hand. i think it just hit me. that i'm actually doing this. its not just a dream anymore. its reality. i'm terrified. i'm not qualified to do this. i dont know anything. i don't have some amazing story that can change someone's life. im a spoiled little girl who grew up in a strong Christian family and is surrounded by ones that love her. i have a place to lay down at night. i have clean clothes to wear everyday. i have shoes. these people dont even have shoes to wear. they sleep on cardboard every night with a strip of cloth to keep them warm in 40 degree weather. i have two fans in my room to keep me cool at night. i dont understand. what if i can't communicate? what if they don't understand? i want so badly for them to see the desperation in my eyes. i want so badly to hug them and hold them and make them understand they are loved. i long to feel their hands in mine. i dont want this trip to slip through my fingers. i don't want to mess this up.
"Moses said to the Lord, ' O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow to speech and tongue.' The Lord said to him, 'Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say." Exodus 4:10-12
Father God, be with me. take my hand and don't let go. free me from these distractions so that i may focus only on You. i want so badly to carry Your Name and Your love to these people. i want to make a lasting impression so they may bring others to You after i leave. deliver me from my fears. remind me of the promise of protection that You have made to me. i so desperately need to feel You close to me Father God. continue to surround me in Your love and mercy. be with the others that are preparing for this trip. i pray that You will keep them safe this week and free from the same distractions. prepare our hearts for what we will see. open our eyes so that we will those who are searching for You. give us chance after chance to love those who especially need it. these people have seen pain and sorrow that not many of us can understand. let us disappear so they may only see You. i pray for the ones that we will meet. go before us Father God. begin to soften their hearts so they may hear the words You will speak through us. let them feel You move within their streets and their homes. i pray they will feel salvation and freedom on its way. be with us during the rest of this week. let us feel You near to us. calm our fears and nerves. i give this trip to You Father God. in your holy and precious name.
a few nights ago i had a group meeting with everyone going on the Kenya trip. our leader was reminding us to cling to the Father this week because everything that could go wrong will probably go wrong. hey guess what...it has.
its so funny how the smallest thing can just get to me. a comment or a facial expression- anything that doesn't matter, does matter. more than it should. and i HATE it.
i realized that my fears have been taken out on others things. and people. things and people that i have reassurance and promises in. people that i know will be around forever. i may take my fears out on them and i'm sorry. he knows who he is. thank you for being my human emotional punching bag.
friday, the day after the meeting, i came across something that still rubs me wrong. i realized that people i'm not even around anymore still manage to get under my skin. and they do it so well. i noticed that i started calling them out on their faults. how they aren't being original and REAL. the person they are portraying isn't someone i've ever seen before. and i've known them for years.
it just feels like satan has sent his demons to distract me and turn my focus on everything else but this trip. the fact that next week i'll be in the right place at the right time. the children that i'll fall in love with. im so caught up in the packing. and what to wear. and how many skirts do i need to take. i can't forget to update my iPod and charge it fully. i'm absolutely terrified of flying. thanks to pointless shows like LOST. i have never flown before and in the words of my one and only love, "i'm wigging out." and i can't forget to buy a few more memory cards for the 65287 pictures that i'll be taking while i'm in Kenya and...
deep breaths. in and out. exhale. inhale.
i broke down today at church. it wasn't like a few tears running down my face. it was like black tears from my mascara. i don't know why i lost it. i needed someone to hold my hand. i think it just hit me. that i'm actually doing this. its not just a dream anymore. its reality. i'm terrified. i'm not qualified to do this. i dont know anything. i don't have some amazing story that can change someone's life. im a spoiled little girl who grew up in a strong Christian family and is surrounded by ones that love her. i have a place to lay down at night. i have clean clothes to wear everyday. i have shoes. these people dont even have shoes to wear. they sleep on cardboard every night with a strip of cloth to keep them warm in 40 degree weather. i have two fans in my room to keep me cool at night. i dont understand. what if i can't communicate? what if they don't understand? i want so badly for them to see the desperation in my eyes. i want so badly to hug them and hold them and make them understand they are loved. i long to feel their hands in mine. i dont want this trip to slip through my fingers. i don't want to mess this up.
"Moses said to the Lord, ' O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow to speech and tongue.' The Lord said to him, 'Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say." Exodus 4:10-12
Father God, be with me. take my hand and don't let go. free me from these distractions so that i may focus only on You. i want so badly to carry Your Name and Your love to these people. i want to make a lasting impression so they may bring others to You after i leave. deliver me from my fears. remind me of the promise of protection that You have made to me. i so desperately need to feel You close to me Father God. continue to surround me in Your love and mercy. be with the others that are preparing for this trip. i pray that You will keep them safe this week and free from the same distractions. prepare our hearts for what we will see. open our eyes so that we will those who are searching for You. give us chance after chance to love those who especially need it. these people have seen pain and sorrow that not many of us can understand. let us disappear so they may only see You. i pray for the ones that we will meet. go before us Father God. begin to soften their hearts so they may hear the words You will speak through us. let them feel You move within their streets and their homes. i pray they will feel salvation and freedom on its way. be with us during the rest of this week. let us feel You near to us. calm our fears and nerves. i give this trip to You Father God. in your holy and precious name.
Monday, April 7, 2008
same girl.
2 months and 1 day. i leave for Kenya. my eyes will be opened. my heart will be broken. i'll learn to appreciate the usually unnoticeable things in life like my bed. or my shoes. or a bottle of water. i'll realize how blessed i really am.
but i'll be the same.
my fingers will have interlocked with fingers of children who have lost everything. my hands will have held infants who will never know their parents. my arms will have hugged amazing people each with an amazing amount of faith. my fire and my desperation to share Christ will only be fueled.
but i'll be the same.
i'll be the same girl who had a pancake in her mouth when you walked by her last august. i'll still love coldplay and hoodies. i'll still testify that drinking Simply Orange juice is better out of the bottle than drinking it out of a cup. i'll still love daisies and i'll still hate the word "chunk." i'll still be the girl who faithfully watches your soccer games in silence so you can focus. i'll still carry my sunglasses with me wherever i go. i'll still love club sandwiches and i'll still be obsessed with my camera.
i'll still be the same girl who has loved you since she met you. i'll still be the same girl who loves to sit with you under the stars for hours. i'll still be the same girl who would rather sit and talk with your family then go out with tons of friends. i'll still be the same girl who makes you read the Dove chocolate wrappers before you eat the chocolate.
when i come back from kenya and i get off the plane and run into your arms, i'll be the same girl as the one who left two weeks before. although my desire for peace and salvation for Kenya will be increased, i'll still be the same girl. nothing and no one can ever change any of that. atlanta, rock hill, kenya...distance doesn't mean anything. nothing will change. i have the reassurance, the confidence, the promise that you aren't going anywhere. neither am i. this summer will only make us grow stronger in our faith in God and in each other. you and i just fit. life with you makes sense to me. you promised to fight and defend me and i'll hold fast to that promise.
i'm not going to throw a pity party about any of this. of course, i'll be upset every once and a while - that's expected. but this summer will be too good for both of us to sit around and pout. you're going to be doing amazing things over the next few months. i cannot express to you how proud i am of you. i cannot wait to brag about what you're doing this summer. yes, it will kill me to have to say goodbye to you...but actually, no. we're not saying goodbye. i hate that. we'll say "see you soon." just like at christmas. we'll see each other every chance we can get. talking every night on the phone or online will be a must (you knew that). i cannot wait for what God has planned for you and i this summer - together and seperately.
i hope you know how i desperately love you. i can't explain it. its something i thought i had but i was wrong - so very wrong. you've shown me what love really is. its a faithful, trusting, reassuring love that i've never felt before. i could never throw it away or even begin to lose it. i refuse to let that happen. the night you and i met, was a night that was only planned by God. everything i have been through led me to that kitchen on that monday night. all that i've done led me to that front porch where you walked up to me in that Nationals t-shirt, black bandana and wild hair. you stole my heart that night and i'm never asking for it back. you promised to fight for me and to defend me. you know i'm a fighter and i'm stubborn so trust that i won't let this slip away. i could never imagine my life without you. this summer will be a time of growing and learning for both of us. we just won't physically see each other every day. but always know and remember - i love you. always and forever.
So let's be through with this one
Cause some things never change.
I know you're still my same girl
Who builds her own frames
Right back to my same girl.
How can you be so calm when the truth is sometimes
Living in the eye of the storm?
With everything going on around us
I feel comfort in the sounds when you say
It will be ok.
Like a star that's immune to the light of the day
Told dreams it could follow me
But not with my same girl.
- Jack Johnson "Same Girl"
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