rescue.

it's hard to let go.

we grow up. and grow apart. everyone does. i'm not afraid to do it. i pretty much don't have a choice. but it's hard to let go of those who you so badly want to grow up with you. i've never understood why i can't just drag them along with me. but they aren't a puppet that i can control. i can't tell them what to do and certainly what not to do. besides, i doubt they'd listen. but you know, deep down, this person isn't the person they've always been. you've seen them differently before. it's like you want to shake them until they wake up from this nightmare of an imposter they've become. desperately begging for them to wake up. wake up. please, please. just wake up.

but is there really only so much you can do?

i hate feeling helpless. it drains me emotionally, physically, spiritually. it literally makes my stomach turn and it brings frustrated tears that never seem to cease. i put my head in my hands and weep. sitting on the side of my bed and just weep. or worse, being filled with grief that you collapse on the floor and just lay there. i just want to be held close. to hear soothing whispers reminding me i'm loved and that nothing is in my total control. disgustingly compassionate people need encouragement too you know.

i've never wanted to turn my back on anyone. i can't forget people. their laughs. that's what always sticks close.

my strength has become my weakness. compassion. it's almost annoying -- even to me. i so desperately want to just forget it and let them take care of themselves. they're old enough anyways. but then my weakness quietly speaks and begs me not to turn away. but then i analyze my choices. i can't just turn my back on them. someone that i love very deeply asked me if i thought Paul ever questioned himself when Christ showed up and broke into his life. did Paul ever wonder if he was doing the right thing when he turned away from all that was bringing him down? here's your answer - i highly doubt it.

being a compassionate person makes me want to rescue everyone. [i always threaten to bring home stray dogs that i find. mark returns the threat with "i'll kill them."] but i can't rescue anyone. i'm the one who needs rescue more than anything right now. i'd gladly welcome Christ Himself to sit on my futon, put His feet up on my coffee table and tell me what to do. i'd gladly listen and do what He says. He is perfect you know.

i can't just turn away and say forget it. i can't. i'd be breaking my own heart. sometimes i wonder if anyone could ever understand my heart. i know i can't rescue anyone. it's not my job to do so but its my conviction to try. with God's wisdom and strength, i want to try. i wonder if anyone turned away from Paul when he tried to tell them what Christ did for him. they probably thought he was crazy. or hopefully, someone listened and took up his cross and followed Christ.

it's harder to grow up and let go than i thought it would be.


i just want to be lonely tonight. just me and my Maker in this cool moonlight. with no one around to see this sight of me lying here. because this is the hardest thing i've ever done before. i don't want to be lonely. i won't be lonely tonight. because my Maker's holding me. -MW