i need to be reminded of who i was when i took that first step out the door.
all i said now follows me around. i'm reminded i'm not like that anymore.
i uprooted and miles behind me are the faces and the home i love.
You've brought to my attention i'm slowly changing
and becoming what i wanted to stop.
isn't that just like a finite mind? setting out with such righteous indignation.
but now i'm at Your feet.
could You look at me with some imagination?
the bush before me, i slip my sandals off.
i only stopped to look in the depths of the sea, in the midst of a great storm.
and i run from You.
and isn't that just like a finite mind setting out with such righteous indignation
but now i'm at Your feet.
could You look at me with some imagination?
so remind me why You woke me up and why You wake me every morning.
the staff in my hand, held in by Your love. just stay close, stay close.
because i know my own mind. i set out with righteous indignation.
but when i'm at Your feet please, please look at me with some imagination.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Sunday, June 1, 2008
distractions.
i leave for Kenya in a week. i've waited for 4 years. and now it comes down to one week.
a few nights ago i had a group meeting with everyone going on the Kenya trip. our leader was reminding us to cling to the Father this week because everything that could go wrong will probably go wrong. hey guess what...it has.
its so funny how the smallest thing can just get to me. a comment or a facial expression- anything that doesn't matter, does matter. more than it should. and i HATE it.
i realized that my fears have been taken out on others things. and people. things and people that i have reassurance and promises in. people that i know will be around forever. i may take my fears out on them and i'm sorry. he knows who he is. thank you for being my human emotional punching bag.
friday, the day after the meeting, i came across something that still rubs me wrong. i realized that people i'm not even around anymore still manage to get under my skin. and they do it so well. i noticed that i started calling them out on their faults. how they aren't being original and REAL. the person they are portraying isn't someone i've ever seen before. and i've known them for years.
it just feels like satan has sent his demons to distract me and turn my focus on everything else but this trip. the fact that next week i'll be in the right place at the right time. the children that i'll fall in love with. im so caught up in the packing. and what to wear. and how many skirts do i need to take. i can't forget to update my iPod and charge it fully. i'm absolutely terrified of flying. thanks to pointless shows like LOST. i have never flown before and in the words of my one and only love, "i'm wigging out." and i can't forget to buy a few more memory cards for the 65287 pictures that i'll be taking while i'm in Kenya and...
deep breaths. in and out. exhale. inhale.
i broke down today at church. it wasn't like a few tears running down my face. it was like black tears from my mascara. i don't know why i lost it. i needed someone to hold my hand. i think it just hit me. that i'm actually doing this. its not just a dream anymore. its reality. i'm terrified. i'm not qualified to do this. i dont know anything. i don't have some amazing story that can change someone's life. im a spoiled little girl who grew up in a strong Christian family and is surrounded by ones that love her. i have a place to lay down at night. i have clean clothes to wear everyday. i have shoes. these people dont even have shoes to wear. they sleep on cardboard every night with a strip of cloth to keep them warm in 40 degree weather. i have two fans in my room to keep me cool at night. i dont understand. what if i can't communicate? what if they don't understand? i want so badly for them to see the desperation in my eyes. i want so badly to hug them and hold them and make them understand they are loved. i long to feel their hands in mine. i dont want this trip to slip through my fingers. i don't want to mess this up.
"Moses said to the Lord, ' O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow to speech and tongue.' The Lord said to him, 'Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say." Exodus 4:10-12
Father God, be with me. take my hand and don't let go. free me from these distractions so that i may focus only on You. i want so badly to carry Your Name and Your love to these people. i want to make a lasting impression so they may bring others to You after i leave. deliver me from my fears. remind me of the promise of protection that You have made to me. i so desperately need to feel You close to me Father God. continue to surround me in Your love and mercy. be with the others that are preparing for this trip. i pray that You will keep them safe this week and free from the same distractions. prepare our hearts for what we will see. open our eyes so that we will those who are searching for You. give us chance after chance to love those who especially need it. these people have seen pain and sorrow that not many of us can understand. let us disappear so they may only see You. i pray for the ones that we will meet. go before us Father God. begin to soften their hearts so they may hear the words You will speak through us. let them feel You move within their streets and their homes. i pray they will feel salvation and freedom on its way. be with us during the rest of this week. let us feel You near to us. calm our fears and nerves. i give this trip to You Father God. in your holy and precious name.
a few nights ago i had a group meeting with everyone going on the Kenya trip. our leader was reminding us to cling to the Father this week because everything that could go wrong will probably go wrong. hey guess what...it has.
its so funny how the smallest thing can just get to me. a comment or a facial expression- anything that doesn't matter, does matter. more than it should. and i HATE it.
i realized that my fears have been taken out on others things. and people. things and people that i have reassurance and promises in. people that i know will be around forever. i may take my fears out on them and i'm sorry. he knows who he is. thank you for being my human emotional punching bag.
friday, the day after the meeting, i came across something that still rubs me wrong. i realized that people i'm not even around anymore still manage to get under my skin. and they do it so well. i noticed that i started calling them out on their faults. how they aren't being original and REAL. the person they are portraying isn't someone i've ever seen before. and i've known them for years.
it just feels like satan has sent his demons to distract me and turn my focus on everything else but this trip. the fact that next week i'll be in the right place at the right time. the children that i'll fall in love with. im so caught up in the packing. and what to wear. and how many skirts do i need to take. i can't forget to update my iPod and charge it fully. i'm absolutely terrified of flying. thanks to pointless shows like LOST. i have never flown before and in the words of my one and only love, "i'm wigging out." and i can't forget to buy a few more memory cards for the 65287 pictures that i'll be taking while i'm in Kenya and...
deep breaths. in and out. exhale. inhale.
i broke down today at church. it wasn't like a few tears running down my face. it was like black tears from my mascara. i don't know why i lost it. i needed someone to hold my hand. i think it just hit me. that i'm actually doing this. its not just a dream anymore. its reality. i'm terrified. i'm not qualified to do this. i dont know anything. i don't have some amazing story that can change someone's life. im a spoiled little girl who grew up in a strong Christian family and is surrounded by ones that love her. i have a place to lay down at night. i have clean clothes to wear everyday. i have shoes. these people dont even have shoes to wear. they sleep on cardboard every night with a strip of cloth to keep them warm in 40 degree weather. i have two fans in my room to keep me cool at night. i dont understand. what if i can't communicate? what if they don't understand? i want so badly for them to see the desperation in my eyes. i want so badly to hug them and hold them and make them understand they are loved. i long to feel their hands in mine. i dont want this trip to slip through my fingers. i don't want to mess this up.
"Moses said to the Lord, ' O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow to speech and tongue.' The Lord said to him, 'Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say." Exodus 4:10-12
Father God, be with me. take my hand and don't let go. free me from these distractions so that i may focus only on You. i want so badly to carry Your Name and Your love to these people. i want to make a lasting impression so they may bring others to You after i leave. deliver me from my fears. remind me of the promise of protection that You have made to me. i so desperately need to feel You close to me Father God. continue to surround me in Your love and mercy. be with the others that are preparing for this trip. i pray that You will keep them safe this week and free from the same distractions. prepare our hearts for what we will see. open our eyes so that we will those who are searching for You. give us chance after chance to love those who especially need it. these people have seen pain and sorrow that not many of us can understand. let us disappear so they may only see You. i pray for the ones that we will meet. go before us Father God. begin to soften their hearts so they may hear the words You will speak through us. let them feel You move within their streets and their homes. i pray they will feel salvation and freedom on its way. be with us during the rest of this week. let us feel You near to us. calm our fears and nerves. i give this trip to You Father God. in your holy and precious name.
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