exodus.

it's terrifying when you realize you're growing up. maybe you're already older than you look. maybe you're younger than you look. but obviously, everyone has to grow up.

it's like leaving your....what? childhood? no real responsibilities? blank word that i cannot think of? you can't look back. you can't pretend it's not happening. you're awakening to it. you're growing up. usually, this hits someone when they are on the brink of something major in their life.

hello. my name is lauren and i am on the brink of something huge in my life.

and in steps decisions. life decisions. i'm not making sense. i don't care. i can't sleep.


it's just so funny when you think you've got a plan laid out and everything is just perfect. but God being an unpredictable God reminds us that our plans are not His. His plans are far too good to let us be in charge of them. so of course, we hit a fork in the road. left. or right. or left. or right.

i want nothing more in life than to bring glory to God and to marry mark. but it's so hard having to comprise. i wanted to marry mark at christmas time 2009. i have this vision of me, in a beautiful maggie sorttero dress covered in lace, walking down the aisle on the arm of my dad. mark is waiting for me at the end with this huge smile on his face. white candles are everywhere dimly lighting the sanctuary creating an intimate atmosphere. my bridesmaids (still not sure who they are...) are standing on the steps in deep red dresses that match my deep red rose bouquet. they're holding one lilly with a white sash tied around it. the sanctuary is decorated with its annual christmas decorations that i adore. and i'm getting married.

dad and i talked the other night about sometimes we don't always get what we want and sometimes we have to make sacrifices to see the big picture. unfortunately, he's so right. gah, i hate when he's right. the best part about getting married is that i'm marrying mark. this time last year, i didn't even know what was going to happen with us. i loved him, he secretly loved me but we were too stubborn to lay our pride aside and admit it. and now i'm still blown away to think how the golden child from atlanta ended up in at a small christian college in south carolina and fell in love with a quirky goofball from a small town down the road. so i guess my rambling and nonsense have brought me to the solution - seeing the whole picture.

of our thousands of decisions, what's best for the both of us? is it best to wait until after i graduate? where are we going to live? are we capable of surviving paycheck to paycheck? am i being selfish? are we going to have cable? should i sell my 47 purses? am i going to be there enough to take care of him? what if i have to work all the time for the first few months and i never get to actually be married to him? are we trusting God enough or are we still wanting some control? why isn't this easier? i am however finally able to say that i am willing to give up my christmas dream wedding. just marrying mark is way beyond worth it. i must remember that God is in control. He is control. I am not in control. I am safe. protected. trusting. i'm waiting. and waiting. and waiting. i need God's email address. or a sticky note would be awesome.

Dear Lauren,
This is my plan for you.
[Insert plan here.]
You are loved.
Love, Your Almighty Father.