breathe in. breathe out.

i have never been more confused in my life. all that i thought was right now seems to be completely wrong. things are not making sense to me and i dont understand why. i always had the desire to teach but every lesson plan, every education class and every education majors meeting makes my stomach turn. the thought of me teaching seems so absurd and almost hilarious. and WHY now? WHY not 2 years ago? why does it all have to fall apart now?

i've got a few decisons to make. but oh they are not light. the next decisions i have to make could determine my career, my financial situation and what will happen to me for the next two years. i feel pulled in almost every direction. which one is right?

to be honest, i do not care to hear any one's opinion on why i should stay in the education program. this is not the time for someone to "encourage" me in the education program. because those of you wanting to say those things to me are probably getting ready to graduate or you are going to be an incredible teacher who has always had the creative mind for lesson plans. and take no offense please when i say i don't want to hear your opinion. now is just not the time.

i laid in bed last night completely under my covers desperate for a moment of peace. for five minutes i prayed that i could just...have...five...minutes. of nothing. no decisions. no doubts. no thoughts. no noise. just five minutes. that's all i wanted.

i finally made it to sleep with my pillow wet from where i had cried so hard. it was that cry where you long to be wrapped in someone's arms and just held close. to feel reassurance. serenity.

when i woke up this morning, my soccer player teddy bear from my sister was laying beside me. i forgot to move it down to the end of my bed where it usually sits while i sleep. when i was younger i used to sleep with five or six stuffed animals at night because i was afraid i'd hurt one's feelings. here is where my compassion as a child could be seen as vomit. now i see that my compassion and desire to please everyone could still be seen as vomit.

you know in the movies when a character is struggling with a huge internal conflict they always seem to go stand in the shower (i.e. every movie on Lifetime)? i tried that today. almost as an escape for a few minutes. but of course, some people, including me, get their "best" ideas in the shower. so my escape was just another few minutes to think. mark asked me last night what i wanted to do with my life. when i thought of that today i laughed because i was reminded of that scene in the notebook when Noah asks Allie what she wanted- him, her long, lost love of a summer 7 years before or rich, handsome, army Lon. he didn't want her to please anyone else but herself. it was that assertive "WHAT do you WANT?" mark is my Noah.

i want to look back and know that what i've done was more than enough. that i didn't settle for a mediocre life just to please someone else. that i did what was right. for me.

so right now i know only a few things i want. to glorify God in absolutely everything i do. to marry mark and serve God alongside him. to be a mom and drive my kids to their soccer games and dance classes. to remember that i am loved. i am still breathing.